If there's anyone here who's been a constant in the PH&A you may have heard this story before so please excuse the recap if it sounds familiar. However there are some new things I'd like a little advice on or maybe some people to bring things into perspective.
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Where to start...well there's this girl. I've know her for almost six years now. Back when I was a junior in high school she, a sophomore at the time, started dating one of the guys in my group of 5 friends. As the two of them went out for most of that year the rest of us got to know her pretty well and she was a legitimately cool girl to have around (she'd actually enjoy coming over and playing 4 person split screen Call of Duty 2 with us - what?!). So they went out for the rest of that year and well into my senior year.
Unfortunately, one night my friend, her b/f, got a little too intoxicated at this party and ended up making out with some other girl who he always had a major crush on. Being an honest and all around good guy who just happened to make a mistake, he told her what happened about a week later and she was pretty pissed - she broke up with him.
Now by this point her and I had already emerged as having a stronger friendship than she had with the other guys so naturally I stayed in contact with her and played the voice of reason/mediator to the both of them as they unsuccessfully tried to work things out.
Over that summer we became closer friends and started hanging out and doing stuff pretty exclusively. I believe at one point around the later half of the summer we were seeing each other at least once or twice a week.
Eventually it came time for me to go college and her to move to Atlanta to finish out her senior year of high school. We said our goodbyes but we kept in contact - nearly talking to each other in one form or another every day for the first few months I was at college.
Being away from her I suddenly realized that I had developed some pretty strong feelings for her and cared for her quite deeply. At the time I also believed there to be something there on her side as well since I was sort of picking up on some cues and signals in how we talked to one another and such.
Around November I decided to take a chance and let her know how I felt. She didn't out-rightly reject me but said that she needed some time to think about it because she didn't know exactly what she felt for me. A few days later she called me up and told me her feelings didn't go past "close friends" and that even if they did it wouldn't make much sense to start a relationship while she was in Georgia and I was going to college in Maryland and living back in Pennsylvania. I had to admit, I agreed. Anything we tried would've been purely an over-the-phone kind of relationship with maybe a visit here and there...ultimately not very satisfying or fair to either of us.
Naturally I was pretty hurt and feeling kind of bad but at the same time I came to accept it.
Unfortunately it was more-or-less after that happened that the two of us fell out of contact with one another. We'd send each other a text message or an email here and there but for the most part we didn't have any sort of sustained contact with one another for a little over and year and half.
In that time I dated some girls, she dated some guys, I continued my college life in MD and she ended up going to some art school in North Carolina.
Then out of nowhere we started speaking again pretty frequently this spring. Her family had moved back to town and she'd left her school in NC to pursue another academic path somewhere else (she's hoping for NYU). I came back for the summer and we started talking even more and finally got around to meeting up a few weeks ago (should have been sooner but I've been going through some family issues that have been taking priority). We plan on getting together as much as we can before I have to leave to go back for my final year of college.
So, with all that in mind, I must now admit that I've fallen for her again...and I think this time I may have fallen a bit harder than last.
They tell you not to put a woman you love on a pedestal (well actually what they say is a bit more graphic haha) but it's really hard not to be absolutely stunned by this girl. I've known her for almost six years and I can seriously not point out a single flaw - she's absolutely beautiful, is emotional (in a good way), has a great relationship with her family and friends, generally cares about people (and does a lot of community service work), has a great personality, and has a great mind....she's almost too good to be true but like I said...there's little to nothing to make me or anyone else believe otherwise.
I honestly don't understand why her and I became good friends and possibly got up to the brink of something more than that. I'm nowhere near the kind of person she is. I have a list of physical, emotional, and mental flaws that you could wrap the entire world around twice.
Now I don't believe in fate and I'm not too keen on spirituality but I find myself thinking "there has to be a reason why the two of us keep coming into one anothers' lives" and why we're still able to talk and see each other with a certain degree of comfort even when we haven't seen each other for months or even years at a time.
There has to be, but why?
It's hard for me to put into words how I feel about her. She's one of the two women I've come across in my life that I can truly find peace with. The world seems brighter and full of color when I'm around her, I can take off this armor (metaphorically speaking of coarse) I've surrounded myself in, I can open up to her, and just the thought of being able to love her mystifies me.
I look at her and think "if there's truly one person I could spend the rest of my life with and be happy with just that, it's her".
Yet, I don't know what to do now. Sure I want to tell her and believe that my words will convince her that we're meant for each other but I'm also a very cold realist - I just know that if I tell her all this she's more likely to reject my advances once again and maybe this time I'll lose her for good instead of just a year or so.
I also am not sure if I want to run the risk of messing up things again. After falling away from one another we've started to really build up the kind of relationship we had had in that time between when she broke up with my friend and when I talked to her about my feelings the first time.