Chuck Norris jokes

[HansDuet]

No.

[Solid Snake]

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cellphone´s cord.



At the Creation when God said: "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said: "Say please."

[Poach]

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

When Chuck dives into a pool he does not get wet. Rather, the water gets Chuck Norris.

[Saint Nicholas]

This thread sounds and looks like Barrens Chat™. I love Chuck Norris jokes. MOAR.

[Solid Snake]

I saw that you posted in here, and I thought you had already closed the thread.

[Poach]

Ah Barrens chat, still looking for Mankirk's wife.

[EireEmerald]

I want to have hot sex with this thread.

[Double A]

This thread is the only thing from keeping Chuck Norris from destroying the world.

[Mr. Pink]

I saw that you posted in here, and I thought you had already closed the thread.

[empr guy]

god said he could create the universe in 7 days. Chuck told him to do it in 6.

[Double A]

god said he could create the universe in 7 days. Chuck told him to do it in 1.

Fixed.

The extra 5 were just drinking the blood of his enemies.

[asianboy]

'nough said

[Hounf of Culan]

The movie Anaconda was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.

Chuck Norris once round house kicked someone so hard and fast that his foot travelled backwards in time and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific ocean.

[Mugg]

I want to have hot sex with this thread.

WTF? lol

[LSD]

Chuck Norris knows where Mandrik's wife is.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris has seen Kyle.

[Freddie]

Not exactly a "chuck norris joke" but this really happened:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

If someone were to ask you who the last person anyone should ever dare to mug is, what name would be your answer? This lister is betting on 80% or better of respondents answering, “Chuck Norris.”

Amazingly, astoundingly, two idiots managed to try just that. It happened in 1994. Norris mentions this whole thing in his autobiography, “Against All Odds.” And, by his testimony, this is what happened. Honest to God, it really happened.

In 1994, right at the beginning of his run as Walker, Texas Ranger, Norris was, and still is, living in Dallas, Texas, where the show was filmed. One day he was walking down the street by himself, no entourage, no fans following him, no bodyguards, not even his wife. He turned a commercial block in the downtown skyscraper area and saw two men a little bigger than he coming straight for him from the other end of the block.

They were staring right at him, and he figured they wanted autographs, which he enjoys signing. So he walked up to them and stopped with a smile, whereupon they stood in front of him, whipped out a couple of large pocketknives, and one of them demanded, “Give me your wallet, Chuck! Give it here!”
Norris actually opened his mouth wide and then asked, “Are you insane!?”
“No! We know who you are! And we know you got a lot of money! Now give it up, or you’re dead!”

Now before we go further, let us just go over a few of the particulars. All jokes aside, Chuck Norris truly does have the following black belts: 1st degree in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, 8th Degree Grandmaster in Tae Kwon Do, 9th degree in Jeet Kune Do under Bruce Lee and Lee’s best student, Dan Inosanto, 10th degree in Shito Ryu Karate, 10th degree in Tang Soo Do, 11th degree in Chun Kuk Do.

Granted, the last art is his own concoction, a hybrid of all the best moves he has learned over the years, all blended for both self-defense and competition, and you are only allowed a 10th degree or better in anything when you found your own dojo. But suffice to say, the muggers didn’t even use guns. From a hundred feet away. They used knives within arm’s reach. What happened next was rather anti-climactic.

The police arrived about 4 minutes later, 3 officers in two cars, and were greeted by the scene of two men with SEVERELY broken arms (the bones had gone through the skin) sitting on the curb, two bloody knives in the gutter, and Chuck Norris, the Almighty Himself, leaning against the wall, wearing his beard, jeans, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat….he shrugged at them. The police started laughing so hard that they bent over, holding their sides, unable to put the handcuffs on the muggers. One of them managed to ask, “Did you not know who he was?!”

One of them said, “Yeah, we knew who he was! We figured all that crap on TV was fake!” FROM LISTVERSE

Bloody hell I've met some stupid people in my life but they two take the biscuit.

[Prince Odysseus]

Chuck Norris solved the Bermuda Triangle using the Pythagorean Theorum.

[Saint Nicholas]

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take from anybody.

[Mr. Pink]

Why doesn't Chuck Norris use contraception?

Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris

Check the thread first before re-posting jokes.

[Pious Agnost]

Ha, re-posting Chuck Norris jokes?

Never