Just a short story I wrote, wondering if anyone would be kind enough to provide feedback Cheers.
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
'Hero'
So here I am lying in a ditch filled with dirty water, to my back sits the bulk of The Hills. A one time nature reserve and now a breeding ground for Roo’s and worse, trees ride landscape in abundance as massive boulders sit and watch the land around them, grey silent sentinels who have seen it all. The Hills are surrounded by abandoned suburbs, parks and designer lakes that once were graced by small boats and laughing people and off in the haze of the day sits the city proper, a collection of tall buildings that now slowly fall apart as the years wore on. I pray to what ever god is listening I never get sent there.
It’s funny you know, they said that global warming was going to kill the earth and all that lived on it, they were so wrong! I guess no one knew that the Ripples would come and life as we know it was going to be ed seven ways to Sunday. A narrow dirt track separates the valley below from The Hills, a mass of broken homes and town houses litter the valley floor, I can’t believe I once lived down there, now it was really a no mans land. Only a complete idiot would try and live back down there, and let me en tell you a few had tried, but none had lived to talk about it. Now getting back to my troubles, I, well we of the Civilian Defenders Force or the C.D.F had been given orders to come and try and get back six families that had tried to come and resettle a townhouse complex down near the lake.
The day had started off like any other in this ed up world of ours; the sun had just crested and lit the sky a brilliant gold colour with just a touch of orange. I stand before the mirror of my tiny room, my bleary eyes look back at my wore face, a smattering of gray litters my dark brown hair as I scrub a hand over my face trying to wake myself up, man what a way to start the day, I think as I ready myself for the coming journey.
As beams of light painted the land around us we piled into a few beat up trucks, twenty men and women; most young unlike me at the age of thirty six I was considered a veteran of this unit. Anyone who managed to live more than a few weeks in the C.D.F was thought to be a mad killer and a veteran in the ways of war. Leaning back against the thick canvass I try and relax knowing that soon I’m going to be in the yet again.
The trucks had roared out of the old shopping centre we called home, past the outer wall of packed earth, twisted metal and sharpened steaks, towers with men and women of our town armed with shotties and fraggers and a few had old hunting rifles. In the hay day before the Ripples ripped the world apart this area was an up market shopping district. Now the sporting grounds were used to grow food and keep live stock and the small lakes used for fishing. There were a few places like this that populated the surrounding area, our town was call Belco One and off to the North was the township of Gunn all linked by the Parkway a stretch of dual carriage way that you only travelled if you really needed to and in numbers. The land around the Parkway was now thick with forests and the massive lake that once was the focal point for the broken city now sat silent expect for the occasional ripple as something big moved under the deep blue of the lakes water. To the south sat the township of The Plaza, a tangle of high rises and a shopping district much like ours, didn’t go there much too many people for my liking, arrogant as well, just because they live in high rises…en losers.
We roar off under the watch of grim eyed men and women as we went to try and save the families, en council should know that the dumb s are more than likely dead by now. The regular army wouldn’t help since we were outside the area they deemed important, mostly they guarded the few major cities that didn’t go to , which were only a few along the coast. I guess that’s why we of the glorious C. D. F were formed…we do the and fight the wilderness and save the fools who try and make a living out here, go us…We had arrived at a deserted local shops, broken widows stare back at us as we climb down from the trucks. The men and women of my unit start to check their weapons, most of us are armed with shotties and carry fraggers, and a few have side arms or carry a blade. Me I have my trusty shotgun and two fraggers and a little surprise hidden in my mismatched body armour. As the sun paints the surrounding area in bright light I squint up at The Hills, knowing the complex the families had travel to be just below the start of that tangled wilderness. They should have known better than to try and re-settle such a ed up area and I guess they found out when the distress signal fired up during the night. The others grumble about having to hoof it up there, but the roads are pretty messed up. Much of the area was over grown with thick stands of trees and gardens gone wild, probably the only good thing to come from the Ripples was the Earth seemed to right its self and rains fell again, crops grew like mad and there was actually enough food for all…those of us that still lived. A strange future indeed we had found ourselves in.
Weapons ready fifteen of us set off, all wary and hopefully ready for action. We make a motley bunch in our body armour that doesn’t quite match as we trudge up the hill and towards the complex. It’s not long before we know this is going to be one ed up situation. Between two houses is the first body, the man has had his ribs ripped open and his insides eaten, a look of horror is stretched over his face. A few of the newer members are sick in the lush grass the surrounds the corpse, as I watch the surrounding area, there are too many places for anything to hide as homes stretch off into the distance riding the swell and dips of this valley that was once home to so many. We leave him and try and decide if we go any further when the comm’s girl picks up a fresh signal coming from just up on the edge of The Hills. I know that no one is alive and maybe that’s why I still live because I don’t take stupid risks for dead people, but the others want to see if anyone is still kicking so we continue on. We come to the complex and find the carnage inside. Even I’m slightly sickened by what we find; it looked as if someone chopped up the families with a lawn mower and then decided to eat bits as the fancy took them. From the looks of things it got crazy judging from the spent shells and a few fragger blast marks that mar the ground. Now most want to leave but as we turn and begin to head back we hear a faint wail on the wind, me someone is alive. Not waiting for the others I start to make my way towards the wailing. I slip and scrabble my way over broken ground and old retaining wall fighting my way towards the thin wail that the tries to steal away every chance it gets.
I spot the source on top of a tall finger of rock; a young boy sits and cries as shadows from the clouds above race over the land, darkness and light paint the scene as I look around trying to see what could be lurking in the dappled land around the rock. Nothing… it I should know better than this, but that kid some how lived through a night of terror and I felt I owed it to him as the last of the survivors. Only one other has followed me as the rest of the unit mill about watching from below. The man looks at me and grins, his hands clutching at the grip of his shotgun and a slightly wild look in his eyes, he mumbles to me something about being a legend. Not sure if he’s talking about me or him and don’t really care as long as he knows what he’s doing.
As we move forward we find ourselves on a narrow dirt track, a fire break from the days when people actually worried about having their homes burnt down. Creeping forward I’m not really surprised when from the shadows of the rock a nightmare for most is given birth as a large Roo stalks out, now most would think the sight of a Kangaroo wouldn’t inspire too much fear in most people, but the Ripples had changed the Roo’s like so much in the world. Now the beasts sported front arms that had grown in length, ending in razor sharp claws. The rear legs enable them to jump great distances now being even more heavily muscled and the fact they now loved to eat people made them a right en nightmare, oh let’s not forget most stood taller than grown man and this one before us looked like he was ready to chow down on our flesh. My companion charges forward his shottie blazing, grass and dirt kick up around the Roo who suddenly bounds forward landing on the unfortunate man, knocking him flat. Both arms pinned by its thick legs the Roo latches onto the mans neck and tries to pull his head off. I fire landing a shot on in between the Roo’s shoulders, dirty grey fur and blood fly into the air as I fire again hoping to kill the bastard. Turning from its prey the Roo turns its blood shot eyes on me and lets out one of the distinctive barks as it readies to charge. Things seem to slow down as it comes for me, flesh and blood dribbling from its gore encrusted maw it barks again, diving to the side at the last moment the Roo’s flies past as I land another shot into its side, thinking I may have landed a killing shot I’m surprised when its tail lashes out and sends me spinning into the drainage ditch.
Dazed I lay in the dirty water I’m hoping it thinks I’m dead, me luck is with me as it goes back and worries the body of my companion a little more, but the boy, his luck just ran out as he loses balance and topples from his perch. Hitting the ground the kid cries out in pain and like a moth to the flame the Roo turns its hate filled eyes to the boy. Moving forward in its clumsy gait the Roo gets ready for desert, ah I hate being a hero but I think I have no choice now as I reach up into my body armour and pull out my one and only spiker.
Rising from the ditch like some sort of swamp monster I stagger forward the spiker held at the ready. The Roo spins with terrible speed, but not quite fast enough I guess being shot a few time slows one down. With a bellow I slam the spiker down into one of its muscle bound shoulders. Maybe I should have thought about it a little more but when it comes to hammer time most forget the little things…like the blast radius of the Spiker. Three rapid beeps and the spiker detonates, the last thing I see is blood and fire.
I must have blacked out for a moment for I wake up with the small boy shaking me, trying his best to drag me up right. Groaning I sit up and see why he’s so keen to get me up and moving. Three more Roo’s are making their way down toward us, each just as ugly and big as the last. I see the first laying still twitching but not getting up again; a gaping wound shows bone and pumps blood out in slowing spurts. Well I guess I’m dead, not much I can do about it now as I stand and push the boy behind me. Pulling a fragger I fling one at the approaching mob of Roo’s, dirt, grass and fur again fly into the this bright days air. I fling another…nothing, a dud. I briefly wonder if I could win a fist fight with these horrors, the thought makes me smile. Not long now as I pull the boy to me hiding his face so he won’t see his death coming. I’m surprised to see sudden flowers of blood and dirty grey fur plume from the Roo’s. Finally my fellow C.D.F members actually grow some balls and decide to help. With barks of rage the Roo’s are driven away and we retreat back down the hill and the relative safety of the trucks. Perhaps its time for a career change, I think as the trucks start to make their way back to our township. The boy has fallen asleep as he huddles in my lap, his little face dirty and streaked with tears, well at least we saved one today…
1. Don't keep anything from the reader for the sake of suspense. It may seem counter-intuitive to give away all the information in the beginning but a reader is more likely to stick around if he knows that interesting things are doing on rather than if he had to wait around to be filled-in.
2. Sometimes you have to start off with a popsicle.
Former Science Reporter for the Helios
Under the benevolent patronage of Annaeus.
A really good read. The idea of the story was astonishing, but you could have wrote it down better if you had put some more time for it.
Originally Posted by Feliks
1. Don't keep anything from the reader for the sake of suspense. It may seem counter-intuitive to give away all the information in the beginning but a reader is more likely to stick around if he knows that interesting things are doing on rather than if he had to wait around to be filled-in.
It's very right... I got kinda lost at the start, but anyway, it grows clearer as it moves towards the end.
And also, I think you should have tried to describe a little bit more at some places. One being the ending, It seems that you've rushed to finish the story. That final fight with the three Kangaroos deserved a bit more.
But anyway, it's a good read. Good luck to you.
A really good read. The idea of the story was astonishing, but you could have wrote it down better if you had put some more time for it.
It's very right... I got kinda lost at the start, but anyway, it grows clearer as it moves towards the end.
And also, I think you should have tried to describe a little bit more at some places. One being the ending, It seems that you've rushed to finish the story. That final fight with the three Kangaroos deserved a bit more.
But anyway, it's a good read. Good luck to you.
Hey thanks for reading, I did actually run out of time for this tale and had to rush it at the end (it was an entry for the tale of the week comp). Maybe I will re-look at it and see what I can do better and as you suggested spend abit more time with the details. Again thanks. Boris
Short story.
Cheers.
they were so wrong! I guess no one knew that the Ripples would come and life as we know it was going to be
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Originally Posted by Feliks
