how to react to flirting?

[Inhuman One]

While I feel like I do understand women to some degree, I just dont get what they want from flirting.

I just have no idea how to react to it.

Occasionly when I go out for dinner with my family for some occasion, a waitress is flirting with me, or at least I suspect she is, it always remains a rather grey area with women.

It just doesnt go further than eye contact though, with her being at work it wouldnt be right to show more initiative so it would be up to me to take it a step further, having the entire family there including my parents, brother, sisters and their partners and children doesnt help much either.

What should I do? what should I say?

Thats the most common situation of flirting I find myself in, more general occasions with some eyecontact in a store, in the streets or anywhere else would probably need a different approach, but I wouldnt really know how to go about that first step there either.

The only situation that I do know what to do is when at a dancefloor for ballroom and latin dancing, I can dance so then it only requires a polite smile and an extended hand to ask a girl to dance, and then the talk comes during the dance.

Sadly these evenings are few, and usually attract very few single girls in my prefered age group.

[DisgruntledGoat]

eye contact does not equal flirting, nor is it an invitation for flirting.

Prolonged eye contact, a smile and getting in your personal space then yes flirt away. The girl in the store makes eye contact.... not flirting. Does that mean you can't initiate the flirting. No, of course not. Anyways, long story short, the waitress is being polite.

[Nutsack]

sorry to bring this to your attention, but I'm sure the waitress is flirting with you because she wants to make money off of you.

[infinite duderonomy]

listen here semi-bro she wants you to rock her with a bit of the pants dance

pop that collar, walk up to her with a swagger and give that bird everything she wants ya dig?

[Nazgūl Killer]

Waitresses and bar tenders will flirt with you for the rest of your life (Despite what you said not actually being flirting) because that way they assure you'll think of them next time you want to hang out somewhere, it's business, and definitely not pleasure. No offense, of course.

And how to react to flirting? Flirt back. Witty remarks (NOT insulting), smiling, confidence, prolonged eye contact - And if she initiates some sort of touch, it means you're doing it right.

[Capt. Fozdike]

Well, I always thought the reaction was quite simple; flirt back. That is, if you're interested. Make witty remarks, and eye contact is always good. And if you're American, the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach .

[Visna]

While I feel like I do understand women to some degree, I just dont get what they want from flirting.

I just have no idea how to react to it.

Occasionly when I go out for dinner with my family for some occasion, a waitress is flirting with me, or at least I suspect she is, it always remains a rather grey area with women.

It just doesnt go further than eye contact though, with her being at work it wouldnt be right to show more initiative so it would be up to me to take it a step further, having the entire family there including my parents, brother, sisters and their partners and children doesnt help much either.

I think there's a good chance you're confusing costumer service with flirting.

What should I do? what should I say?

A few important points (I obviously can't speak for all, but for myself at least)

Don't be sloppy with personal hygiene, but don't be overly metrosexual either. (Tastes vary on that one obviously).
Don't be desperate. This includes a number of factors.
1) Don't make the rounds. I think I can safely say that women in general don't appreciate being second, third, fourth etc choice. Know what you want and go for it, if that doesn't work, too bad. You'll get another chance somewhere else or some other time.
2) Be a bit unreachable, think of yourself as special and deserving of something special without being arrogant. In both flirting, dating and the possible relationship that comes out of it, there are only a few things worse than a man who lets himself be mistaken for a doormat. When it comes to the initial contact this can be done simply by looking away and then looking again. (Tastes vary) Remember to smile. (Pretty much universal). In general, if you feel good about you, others will feel good about you too.
When you're starting to talk, keep your mind on the conversation, not the possible later date. While a simple "hello, I was wondering what you would say about sleeping with me" or variations thereof might get you the desired result, women in general prefer to know a bit about the fellow before even being asked out on a date. For both the possible later date and the first steps into getting to know each other this is always good, and apply not only to dating, but to all conversational purposes. People in general (and perhaps women in particular, not sure) like to talk about themselves. Use that. Ask open ended and leading questions and offer your own opinions, views, feelings etc as well. A good way to keep the conversation flowing and to turn it in the directions you want. And play along if she starts playing the same game with you, it means she finds you interesting as well, and that she wants to know more about you.
Respect private space. Some women love those touchy-feely type encounters, others cringe at the thought of them.
Don't be a mean pig. Self explanatory.
And, last but certainly not least, have fun.

[Capt. Fozdike]

Listen to Visna. I think she knows more than all of us put together.

[infinite duderonomy]

Ey I think I've been scoring chicks longer than she has

[Nutsack]

I like Visna, this is me flirting with Visna:

[Capt. Fozdike]

Ey I think I've been scoring chicks longer than she has

Perhaps but she's a girl. And I think girls know what other girls would want more than men. Just food for thought.

I like Visna, this is me flirting with Visna:

Be careful. She bites.

But in reference to the OP, I think that confidence can also make the world of difference. When I was younger I'd make a hash of talking with girls just through lacking confidence and everything going wrong. So just build up your confidence, walk in there with everything you need and you'll be fine.

[hollowfaith]

Do NOT use Armfelts advice. I tried that once, just once. She kicked me so hard I thought my testicles popped out of my nostrils.

[Nutsack]

Be careful. She bites.

Bites? Why are you talking about her.

if she did that then she would have nothing to do in this thread.

[elfdude]

Whether someone is flirting for customer service or not (because they are flirting with you) if you can grasp their interest you can still initiate a relationship. IMO customer service flirting presents a golden opportunity to be witty and original given that they have to listen to it all day everyday.

The key thing with flirting is simply to play. Have some light hearted fun. Use a mix of different flirting and keep your flirtations ambiguous. If your flirtations are too dramatic or overly obvious you may send a woman running if she pegs you as a creep. If you can imagine you're hanging out with your friend just use the type of jokes and conversation you would with them while being sure to keep overtly offensive ideas out. Your goal is to watch and listen and learn. While it might be ok to use overtly general flirtations initially you need to tailor your strategy to the woman and figuring out what she likes and doesn't like is good.

This does not mean give her only the good though, play also involves teasing. A bit of light hearted teasing tells people you can recognize flaws this makes you appear to be a discerning character. At the same time identifying nothing but flaws will tell someone you're a arrogant prick. Then there's also the possibility of identifying flaws that people are overly sensitive about. For example everyone tends to get something stuck in their teeth and everyone hates it when no one tells them about it and they discover it hours later, teasing them about it a little bit, then admitting your own experience with getting stuff in your teeth makes you both discerning but also shows you have things in common, and you're not overly full of yourself.

Never allow your thoughts to drift into what ifs and anticipating what will happen. You simply can't anticipate what someone will do. At the same time people rarely hide their tells so listening and observing (keeping your head in the game and focused on the present) will tell you whether your attempts are failing or succeeding.

Basically, play and have fun, match their intensity and keep them guessing. Jokes, innuendo, and teasing will be your primary social tools in flirting.

[Incomitatus]

There are thousands of ways to flirt and none of them are always the right choice! But... a few general thoughts:

1. Nothing is more pathetic to watch than someone trying to awkwardly be someone they aren't to try to impress a girl. Successful flirtation builds upon your natural character, interests, mannerisms, etc. If your mother was like mine and most people's, I'm sure she advised you to 'Just be yourself'... well, what that really means is have confidence in yourself and don't try to be anyone else!

2. Most people are bored, most of the time. Most people really want some excitement to enter their lives and liven things up. Flirtation is a great way to give that gift to someone... be exciting, energetic, and lively. Talk about things that you naturally get excited and passionate about (if you haven't got such a thing, find one... stat!). Talk about things that she gets excited and passionate about. Be as interesting as you can be, and as interested as you can be, but most of all, be present in the moment and ALIVE!

3. If she is someone you know you will see again fairly soon, don't be afraid to keep the conversation short and walk away. It demonstrates confidence and sets you apart from most men who tend to whip the flirtation horse until it's dead.

4. Waitresses, bartenders, customer service representatives, etc. etc. flirt with customers all day long - it passes what would otherwise be a long and boring time. It's not just about getting money from you or getting you to come back to their business, but usually it isn't personal either. That said, it's not rude to flirt back and can be good practice. Those who have been in that type of work for a long time tend to be very good flirts, and understand more than most people that it's just a bit of fun... so they will challenge you and not make assumptions about your intentions... assuming you have some class and realise it's just a game yourself. Now, if you really fancy such a lady... well... you should probably approach things differently, but we'll leave that for the master class, eh?

5. Like everything else in life, you only get better at flirting by practising and paying attention to what works for you and what doesn't. Don't take yourself too seriously, realise that while flirting can be a precursor to other things it can also just be a bit of fun and shouldn't be taken too seriously, and relax and enjoy the experience.

[Inhuman One]

Thanks for all the advice, theres some good suggestions here.

As someone that has had an education in retail and with some understanding of people, I know that often service staff flirts to sell something. Few are skilled enough to make it believable though, and there would also be little to gain for the business by flirting with one guy thats having dinner with the family, and that would most likely not pay the bill, being the youngest adult present. Giving tips is also not that common here in the Netherlands so it couldnt be aimed at that either. Tips arent given frequently enough for that.

As for my personal hygiene, its good. I take dance lessons, thats rather intensive and close to a woman. Never heard any complaints, I shower 3-4 times a week, wash every day, use deodorant, make sure that I shave myself whenever heading out and I am rather slim as well.

I do my best to treat all women with the utmost respect, but here might also be my problem. I might keep too much distance sometimes because I wouldnt want to be disrespectfull. I would feel terrible about making a girl feel uncomfortable.

Its just that very first step thats my issue, too much fear and doubt about the reaction of the girl. Several rejections in the past dont make it easier either.

Them having an interest or not is what I cant figure out, many things about women I do seem to get. Usually when I see a couple argueing I find myself agreeing with the woman. Not always, but mostly with young couples of about my age, I do.

Emotions I can pick up rather well too, I can usually see rather well what someone's mood is, probably because my own sister can change moods several times a day, I had to get used to that.

[Каие]

sorry to bring this to your attention, but I'm sure the waitress is flirting with you because she wants to make money off of you.

^^


lol I'm afraid to say I was reminded of the Insurance guy from family guy who did not know insurance fraud even existed.

[Nutsack]

I like pointing out peoples habits and vurnabilities, makes them feel less value in themselves. I once heard that to become a pimp, you have to tell her you don't think women should be able to vote, and follow this up by pointing out her low value in her social environment etc. But I try not to take it that far . What you want to do is exploit personality issues like how she talks a lot, or maybe she is very protective of her items? Just like how you mess with your friends, with them a lot and constantly try to mind each other, you can control a relation with someone of the opposite sex. YOU should be in total control of how you two interact, talk, walk, etc, set the lead!

As I was saying earlier before I completely derailed, exposing someone elses vurnabilities shows dominance, and also makes that person feel less value. A woman wants to feel like she is a mouse compared to her man, she wants to feel like she is the luckiest woman on the earth being with you. Therefore you have to make her feel like, a "mouse", not by coming off as rude or annoying, but by being more attractive than her.

This is not exactly how to react to flirting, I'm only saying what methods of seduction I would incorporate into your flirtation.

[Aeneas Veneratio]

I like pointing out peoples habits and vurnabilities, makes them feel less value in themselves. I once heard that to become a pimp, you have to tell her you don't think women should be able to vote, and follow this up by pointing out her low value in her social environment etc. But I try not to take it that far . What you want to do is exploit personality issues like how she talks a lot, or maybe she is very protective of her items? Just like how you mess with your friends, with them a lot and constantly try to mind each other, you can control a relation with someone of the opposite sex. YOU should be in total control of how you two interact, talk, walk, etc, set the lead!

As I was saying earlier before I completely derailed, exposing someone elses vurnabilities shows dominance, and also makes that person feel less value. A woman wants to feel like she is a mouse compared to her man, she wants to feel like she is the luckiest woman on the earth being with you. Therefore you have to make her feel like, a "mouse", not by coming off as rude or annoying, but by being more attractive than her.

This is not exactly how to react to flirting, I'm only saying what methods of seduction I would incorporate into your flirtation.

Hmm, please tell me, how many girls/women you have been with so far in general and by using that sort of thinking...

[elfdude]

As for my personal hygiene, its good. I take dance lessons, thats rather intensive and close to a woman. Never heard any complaints, I shower 3-4 times a week, wash every day, use deodorant, make sure that I shave myself whenever heading out and I am rather slim as well.

It might be an American thing but why no shower every day? What does 'wash' mean in the sense you're using it?

I do my best to treat all women with the utmost respect, but here might also be my problem. I might keep too much distance sometimes because I wouldnt want to be disrespectfull. I would feel terrible about making a girl feel uncomfortable.

You should feel bad but the reward for making a girl feel comfortable is worth the attempt. Further how you act on this uncomfortability determines the scope and the extent of that awkwardness. I.e. if you play it off as a joke or as a flirtation or as a statement that was intended to make her feel uncomfortable you can generally get away with it being interpreted neutrally if not as a positive. If you feel uncomfortable she will emulate you and feel more uncomfortable. Women are great at empathy and many empathize unconsciously. The last thing you want to do is feed them the wrong emotion just to have the same emotion spit back at you.

Many so-called 'nice' guys think of an ideal woman as the girl who sees their typical failures as cute or somehow knows that their motivations are pure. Unfortunately this is a rare archetype. Women like happy confident men because they like to feel happy and confident themselves. Women's emotions are much more dependent on those around them than a man's is. Which isn't to say their self esteem is not in place that they can't feel emotions independently or anything like that, empathy commonly just becomes an unconscious habit due to their affinity and it's ability to bring relationships close. In your case though it's working against you because you have difficultly exhibiting the emotions you should.

So what do you do from that point? Well the key thing is to fake it. Fake it to the best of your ability. An honest smile is wide, and causes crows feet around your eyes. When you smile in this way even if it's fake you should notice your mood begins to change if you let it. Try to help it along by thinking about things in confident terms such as 'I'm am doing this, I'm am happy, I'm am aloof, etc.' Literally think happy thoughts.

Your sibling is a great woman's perspective that you can use to practice your ability to influence her mood with yours. What you learn applies to both men and women. Try making her playful, you come at her with a playful approach, you might razzle her or tickle her or tell her a joke. This works for other women too although keep in mind physical contact must be established i.e. tickling your sister results in her laughing, tickling a stranger will creep them out. Try to make her happy, exhibit a pleasant and happy demeanor. Look at things from a positive perspective. Smile frequently and longly. Try to hold her attention. Try to get her to talk about her day.

These techniques that apply to your sister work on everyone (men and women) and it'll help build your confidence when you talk to other women. Your mom is great and your dad is great too. Many kids realize they've never had an extended conversation with their parents. Many of those same kids realize they don't know how to carry on a conversation that isn't completely about gay jokes and innuendos. If you can do it with your family you can do it with other people, humans are not that different in their overall behavior.

Its just that very first step thats my issue, too much fear and doubt about the reaction of the girl. Several rejections in the past dont make it easier either.

You can't pay attention to rejections in any other way than as a learning opportunity. Nothing that happened before is going to affect how this different social person reacts to you socializing. It can only affect how you socialize. It's rather illogical to internalize rejection and expect it from new unrelated individuals. I know it's not a logical problem you have but sometimes just thinking about it from an objective viewpoint helps significantly.

Them having an interest or not is what I cant figure out, many things about women I do seem to get. Usually when I see a couple argueing I find myself agreeing with the woman. Not always, but mostly with young couples of about my age, I do.

This has a lot to do with women's general sensitivity to social cues and typical men's rather insensitivity to social cues. Women use smaller tells to show that they are interested than men. It can be a simple thing such as the way they smile or look at you or the way they talk to you and its not often obvious. Thus you'll most often have to initiate with your own game. I already explained this part you just have to do it. Try to flirt with them in a playful jovial manner without real regard to whether it's successful or not. Don't make yourself too vulnerable with the flirt and don't make them feel uncomfortable with it.

Whether you craft a relationship, or start one casually you'll have to use the same tricks so you might as well practice while you're young.

Emotions I can pick up rather well too, I can usually see rather well what someone's mood is, probably because my own sister can change moods several times a day, I had to get used to that.

Right but knowing them is one thing, understanding the motivations behind those emotions is more important. Knowing how to influence those emotions is absolutely vital. Both general concepts can be learned by practicing on your family and friends and strangers.