What if...?

[Inarus]

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away.
Ring Wars!

A long, long time ago, upon this Earth...

actually

[Cyclops]

You will believe a Wraith can fly

SuperNazgul

[Muffer Nl]

As a wraith you don't dream at all. It doesn't feel like thousands of years. More like more like a fit of tequila if you'd ask it me.

Wraith by James Cameron - Avatar (2009)

[commercial]
Great movie BTW
[/commercial]
Really it is...

[Cyclops]

Avatar is great, and I am not a spambot [also check out these great deals at spambotsRus.com.au]

Its a groundbreaking movie but its more like Jurassic Park than Seven Samuria if you know what I mean: no-one turns in a better-than-competent acting performance. The action is breath-taking: after the first chase scene I thought "hmm thats great, how will they keep that up?", but they did.

If we're doing tag lines:

In Sammath Naur, no-one can hear you scream.

-Ridley Scott Halflien

[Muffer Nl]

Frodo: I wan´t the truth!
Gandalf: You can't handle the truth!
A few good men.

Frodo: There's two rings
Gandalf: You can count, I'm impressed now go!
Frodo: Rule number one, never change the deal. The deal was to transport one magical evil ring to Mordor, not two.
The transporter 1

Man: I'm so sorry my cart broke. Can you help me?
Frodo: I?m sorry I'm in a bit of a hurry.
Man: Well yould you rather be late or dead?
Frodo: You don't wanna do this.
Man: Step down from there.
*Massive fighting scene with other highwaymen
Frodo: Late...
The transporter 2

Frodo: Save Middle Earth. Whenever I read that sign I had to laugh. Save Middle Earth
Middle Earth AD

Frodo: Hello, my name is Baggins, Frodo Baggins.
Frodo Baggins.

Guess which movies

[trance]

What if they converted LOTR into a series, starring Kiefer Sutherland as Aragorn!?

I'll tell you.

*Aragorn interrogates Gollum*

Aragorn: What is happening at eight o' clock?! I am not messing with you. (flips table) You are going to tell me what is happening at eight o' clock!
(stabs Gollum in the leg)
What is your primary objective?! What is your primary objective!?!
Gollum: *Wails* Bagginssss
Aragorn: Baggins? Ringcarrier Baggins is the target! Give the Dúnedain Service a shout! NOW!

[Muffer Nl]

Storm clouds gather over Middle Earth. Mistrust and rivalries between realms threaten to break and flood the world in a tide of Total War

[Inarus]

A cloud has fallen on our shore,
The mighty hand and sword of Orcish War,
And I'll be brave, be strong, be true, my love
And I'll be waiting for you, forever...

- Forever, RTW Credits Theme

[Muffer Nl]

Is this the real life?
Is it just fantasy?
Caught in the wraith world?
No escape from the one ring,

Open your eyes,
Look up to the skies and see,
It's just some vulcanic ash,
It needs not be feared,
Cause it's not magic, not evil, not good,
Little fear, little flow,
Anyway Sauron talks, doesn't really matter,

To me,
To me!

Melkor, Melkor?
Yah, Melkor
*sigh*
Melkor
Melkor...
Melkor ahahahaha
Melkor Melkor Melkor Melkor Melkor Melkor Melkor Melkor
Hiyah!
Melkor, youhoo
Melkor...
Youhoo Melkor
Melkor?
Melkor
Sauron?
Sauron!

I see a little silhouetto of a Hobbit,
Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango
Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very fright’ning me
(Mimimimi) Galileo (Mimimimi) Galileo, (Mimimimi ) Galileo figaro
I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
He’s just a poor boy from a poor family,
Spare him his life from this monstrosity

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go
Ma nah ma nah! Tutututututu
(Let me throw!) Ma nah ma nah! I will not let you throw
(Let me blow!) Ma nah ma nah! They will not let you blow
(Let me joke) Do not like your jokes
(Let me joke) Do not like your jokes ohoho(Let me go) Ahaha
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
(Furdegnity furdegnity) Mama mia, let me go
Does anyoneknow if there is a heart for me?
For me?
For mii?

So they tell us to pity the Orc way to fly!
All I know is we´re not getting paid tonight!
Oooh, baby, can´t you listen to me, baby
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here
(Get out)
Oooohoooohoooo
Ooh yeah, Ooh yeah

Nothing really matters, Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters, but moi
Any way the wind blows

Witch King?
Yeah chief?
Remind me to stop setting up these Ring powered remote conferences, hmm, not very productive.
You got it.
Jeez.


Muppets, Bohemian Rapsody

[Cyclops]

This thread is going strange new places. Excellent.

LOTR the Musical could be the next smash hit. Numbers could all be pinched adapted from other musicals

I'm just a troll who can't say Maaaaauuugh!

The Witch King and I

Bo-romir: a man I fear
Ra-ngers: are a lot of fun
Mi-nas Tirith: full of wealth
Fa-ramir is on the run!
Sa-uron is the bad guys head
La-medon where axemen grow
Ti-rion where elves have fled
That should bring us back to Do-win-ion

Hmm. R&H I ain't.

[Inarus]

This thread is going strange new places. Excellent.

LOTR the Musical could be the next smash hit. Numbers could all be pinched adapted from other musicals

I'm just a troll who can't say Maaaaauuugh!

The Witch King and I

Bo-romir: a man I fear
Ra-ngers: are a lot of fun
Mi-nas Tirith: full of wealth
Fa-ramir is on the run!
Sa-uron is the bad guys head
La-medon where axemen grow
Ti-rion where elves have fled
That should bring us back to Do-win-ion

Hmm. R&H I ain't.

LotR the Musical? Argh! what could be worse? [Mamma Mia]

I was just adapting the Rome Total War song, not starting a musical thread.

[Cyclops]

...starting a musical thread.

Wha...? I only heard that last bit. Great idea dude! GleeTW!

[Inarus]

Wha...? I only heard that last bit. Great idea dude! GleeTW!

[Looks for suicide smiley]
[...]
[Can't find suicide smiley]
[...]
[...]
[Jumps out of window]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[THUMP--]

[Muffer Nl]

Yeah where did the Suicide smiley go?

On another note after hearing Viva La Vida by Coldplay and seeing this picture:


I used to rule Angmar
Orcs would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone (Sounds like seed the lawn doesn't it?)
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the Witch king is dead!
Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Osgiliath bells a ringing
Rohan Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never, never an honest word
That was when I ruled Angmar
(Ohhh)

It was the wicked and witch king
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows with the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become

Gondorians wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Osgiliath bells a ringing
Rohan Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Eru Illuvatar won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled Angmar
(Ohhhhh Ohhh Ohhh)

I hear Osgiliath bells a ringing
Rohan Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Eru Illuvatar will call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled Angmar
Oooooh Oooooh Oooooh

[Juli]

These are not mine, they are from a website called Flying Moose of Nargothrond. It's an awesome website by the way

This jewel I quote below (Pulp Tolkien), I took it from the Tolkien Crackpot Theories section. It's hilarious. Enjoy

Posted by Andrew Solovay:
Frodo: And ya know what they call a "Quarter Pounder with Cheese" in the Undying Lands?
Sam: They don't call it "Quarter Pounder with Cheese?"
Frodo: Nah, they got Feanorian weights. They wouldn't know what the a "Quarter Pound" is.
Sam: So whadda they call it?
Frodo: "Valar with Cheese".
Sam: "Valar with cheese..." Whadda they call a "Big Mac"?
Frodo: Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it "Big tar-Mac".
Sam: "Big tar-Mac"... whadda they call a Whopper?

Posted by Caroline Christian:
What's it got in the suitcase? The jewels? The rings? The thief, the Vincent, we hates him forever...

Posted by The Dark Knight:
Frodo: Whose horse is that?
Gandalf: That's not a horse, it's a steed.
Frodo: Whose steed is that?
Gandalf: Theoden's.
Frodo: Who's Theoden?
Gandalf: Theoden's dead, baby...Theoden's dead.
Hey...this could work!!!

Posted by Bob-Nob:
Would that mean Frodo had the ring that says "Bad Mother " on it? Would there be a scene in which Sam grabs a hammer, then a shotgun, then a chainsaw, and then ultimately Sting, before storming the tower to save Frodo from goodness knows what? Would Gimli take Galadriel out on the instructions of Celeborn and win the Jack Rabbit Slim's twist contest? And most importantly, who would be The Gimp?

Posted by O. Sharp:
(Restaurant table. Vincent sitting across table from Gandalf.)
Vincent: I heard you did a pilot.
Gandalf: That was my "fifteen minutes".
Vincent: What was it?
Gandalf: It was a show about a team of secret agents called WizForce Five.
Vincent: What?
Gandalf: WizForce Five. "Wiz" as in we're a bunch of wizards. "Force" as in we're a force to be reckoned with (though we're forbidden to use it). "Five" because there's one, two, three, four, five of us. There was a blond one - Saruman O'Neill - he was the leader. The Japanese wizard was a Kung Fu master; the other blue wizard was a demolition expert; Radagast's specialty was sex.
Vincent: What was your specialty?
Gandalf: Fireworks. Character I played - Mithrandir McCoy - his background was he grew up raised by circus performers. According to the show he was the deadliest guy in the world with fire. And he knew a zillion old jokes. His Vala, an old vauevillian, taught him. And if we would've got picked up we would've worked in a gimmick where every time we destroyed a Great Ring, I would've told another joke...

And, much much later, at the foot of Mount Doom, after the Ring has just gone into the Fire...
Frodo: We should be in' dead, man... This was divine intervention. This doesn't just happen... What happened here was a miracle, and I want you to in' acknowledge it!

Posted by Andrew Solovay:
Nazgul: Describe Sauron for me.
Saruman: Well, he's dark...
Nazgul: And?
Saruman: ...and he's tall...
Nazgul: Does he look like a ?
Saruman: What?
<thud> <scream>
Nazgul: DOES HE LOOK LIKE A !?
Saruman: No!
Nazgul: Then why'd ya try to him like a ?

[Cyclops]

What if Ridley Scott made LOTR?

Witch King's dying monologue to Eowyn:

"I've seen things you people can't imagine. Corsairs on fire off the shores of Pinnath Gelin. I've seen green beams glittering in the dark by the Morgul Gate. And now all these moments will be lost in time like tears in rain. Time to die...(releases small fell beast which flutters into the breaking clouds)"

Mouth of Sauron to Olog Hai at the Black Gate.

"On my command, unleash Udun!"

Fellowship debates in the Chamber of Marzabul

Boromir: How long after we're declared overdue can we expect a rescue?

Aragorn: [pause] Seventeen days.

Legolas: Seventeen *days?* Hey man, I don't wanna rain on your parade, but we're not gonna last seventeen *hours!* Those things are gonna come in here just like they did before. And they're gonna come in here...

Boromir: Legolas!

Legolas: ...and they're gonna come in here AND THEY'RE GONNA GET US!

Boromir: LEGOLAS! This little dwarf survived longer than that with no weapons and no training.
[to Balin] Right?

[Balin fails to respond, being dead]

Legolas: Why don't you put him in charge?

Of course I was tempted to put in the "get away from him you !" in Sam's mouth but it seemed wrong.

[Cyclops]

More Ring Runner


Elrond: Hi ya Glor.

Glorfindel: Elrond.
Elrond: You wouldn't have come if I'd just asked you to. Sit down pal. C'mon don't be an Glorfindel. I've got nine spooks walking the streets.

Glorfindel: Spooks, that's what Elrond called ringwraiths. In history books he is the kind of Tark used to call Southrons "half-trolls".

Elrond: They jumped the Prancing Pony at Bree two weeks ago - killed ten pillows and a quilt. They found the duck-down drifting in the hills two weeks ago so we know they're around.

Glorfindel: Embarrassing.

Elrond: No sir. Not embarrassing, 'cause no one's ever going to find out they're up here. 'Cause you're going to spot them, and you're going to air them out. (pours drink)

Glorfindel: (tosses it down) I don't work here anymore. Give it to Frodo, he's good.

Elrond: I did. He can breathe okay as long as the knife fragment doesn't reach his heart. He's not good enough, not good as you. I need you, Glor. This is a bad one, the worst yet. I need the old Ring Runner, I need your magic.

Glorfindel: I was quit when I come in here, Elrond, I'm twice as quit now. (gets up to leave)

Elrond: Stop right where you are. You know the score pal. If you're not Noldor, you're little people.

Glorfindel: No choice, huh?

Elrond: No choice pal.

[Muffer Nl]

Aragorn: I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Saruman: Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well. (Samuel Butler)

[Cyclops]

More first lines:

The wight had been working very hard, all morning, spring-cleaning his little barrow.

-Kenneth Grahame The Wind in the Old Man Willows

[Muffer Nl]

It was the year 3000 of the Third Age. I was 5 years old...

-Muffer Nl- insert generic title of a book that contains massive battles and a lot of fighting like in lotr but without the stupid walking and talking