What if...?

**Mank** · September 05, 2013, 10:42 PM

Deep roads the Dwarves will cut and delve,
Strong ale their barrels brew,
Their stories are as old as hills,
They bathe in gold and jewels.

So drink a pint my furry friends,
And may your beards grow low,
But if you'd rather read than drink,
Then pack your things and go!

~Dwarven Drinking Song

**Ngugi** · September 06, 2013, 06:27 AM

Think their whole race need to go to an AA meeting ^^

**Cyclops** · September 19, 2013, 12:14 AM

Eowyn: I found “Nazgul Zero” behind the locked door of an abandoned house across town. He was twelve hundred years old.

Max Brooks - World War R

**Ngugi** · September 19, 2013, 08:30 AM

And what does the mob of Isildur say? It follows fortune, as it always does, and rails against the condemned.
That same rabble, if Sauron had smiled upon the Easterlings, if the aged Steward had been struck down unawares, would in that very hour have conferred upon Aragorn the title of High-King.
Now that no one buys our votes, the public has long since cast off its cares; the people that once bestowed commands, lordships, legions and all else, now meddles no more and longs eagerly for just two things - Lembas and Games!

Satire - Juvenal

**Cyclops** · October 02, 2013, 07:49 PM

A meeting at Rivendell Casino:

Elrond: Eight oughta do it, don't you think? Gandalf: [Stares of in silence, not looking at Elrond]
Elrond: You think we need one more?
Gandalf: [Silence]
Elrond: You think we need one more.
Gandalf: [Silence]
Elrond: All right, we'll get one more.
Gandalf: [Blinks]

Later in Valinor:

Manwe: Good morning.
Gandalf: Morning.
Manwe: Please state your name for the record.
Gandalf: Gandalf Greyhame.
Manwe: Thank you. Mr. Greyhame, the purpose of this hearing is to determine whether, if released, you are likely to oppose smoke pipeweed again.

Ted Griffen Gandalf's Nine

**Ngugi** · August 05, 2014, 07:45 AM

Life is like a hurricane
here in Hornburg
Race wargs, arrows, eagle claws,
it's an Orc-blur!
Might solve a mystery
Or rewrite history!

[Chorus]
OrcTales! Woo-oo!
Everyday they're out there making
OrcTales! Woo-oo!
Tales of derring do-bad and good
Uruk Tales! Woo-oo!

D-d-d-danger! Watch behind you!
There's a Ranger out to find you
What to do, just grab on to some...
Orc Tales, oo-oo!
Not pony tales or Rohan tales, no,
Orctales! Woo-oo!

When it seems Uruks headed for the final curtain
Bold destruction never fails, that's for certain
The worst of messes
become successes!
OrcTales, Oo-oo

OrcTales - Mark Meuller

And also, an updated version of an old Tarantino-What If, that veterans here seen already, but I felt to repost in its new form (and that indirectly explain why there were two blokes who called themselves Blue wizards in Middle-earth);

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

**Ngugi** · August 07, 2014, 04:02 AM

Dashing and daring,

Courageous and caring,
Faithful and friendly,
With ponies to share.
All through Mirkwood forest,
They roar out in chorus,
Marching along
Goblin cries fills the air.

Beorn Bears!!
Raging here and there and everywhere.
Goblin slaying that's beyond compare.
They are the Beorn Bears!

Shapeshift and mystery
Are part of their history,
Along with the secret
Of honey-made cakes.
Their legend is growing,
They take pride in knowing,
They'll fight for their mountains,
In whatever they do.

Beorn Bears!!
When a Dwarf's in danger they'll be there
Lives and magic that we all can share
They are the Beorn Bears!
They are the Beorn Bears!

Adventures of the Beorn Bears - Michael Silversher and Patricia Silversher

**Cyclops** · October 14, 2014, 06:51 PM

Forge the Ring, forge the Ring
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Forge the Ring, forge the Ring
And Annatar is gone!

Here I stand
In the Mount of Doom
Let the eruption rage on,
The fire never bothered me anyway!

UNFROZEN Idina Menzel

**Ngugi** · October 15, 2014, 05:09 AM

Now Túrin talks to Dorlas and says -
"We shall ride east across the fell and down into Nen Girith, and fare stealthily over Glaurung's country, for I have it in my mind to get myself carried abroad south in Mouth of Sirion."
"This is a very riskful journey," said Dorlas, "and few would have the heart to take it save thou and I."
"If thou backest Turambar ill," said his housewife, "know this, that thou shalt never come afterwards into my bed, and my kinsmen shall share our goods between us."
...

Then Túrin said to Dorlas -
"What shall we do now if Orcs fall down upon us here from the fell?"
"Are there not but two things to be done," said Dorlas; "one to ride away from them north under the crags, and so let them ride by us, or to wait and see if any of them lag behind, and then to fall on them."
They talked much about this, and one while Dorlas was for flying as fast as he could in every word he spoke, and at another for staying and fighting it out with them, and Túrin hade much fun from it.

The Story of Burnt Túrin - Islandic saga

**Cyclops** · October 15, 2014, 04:45 PM

Elrond: "You know the scary thing about them? They don't need lembas, miruvor, pipeweed, nothing. That's their advantage. That's what makes them stronger."
---
Shagrat: "From Elves, Shagrat learned only hatred. Nothing else".

Mark Bomback, Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver- Dawn of the Planet of the Orcs

**Cyclops** · October 19, 2014, 11:21 PM

It was 7 minutes after midnight. The dragon was lying on the water in the middle of the lake in front of Mr Bard's house. Its eyes were closed.

Mark Haddon - The curious Incident of the Dragon in the Night Time

**Ngugi** · October 20, 2014, 04:46 PM

[Pippin, narrator:] My life fades. The vision dims. All that remains are memories. I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This Desolated land. But most of all, I remember The Road Goes Ever On Warrior. The man we called "Bilbo".

To understand who he was, you have to go back to another time. When the world was powered by at least six meals a day. And the Shire sprouted great cities of pipe and smoke. Gone now, swept away. For reasons long forgotten (it was gold), twelve greedy Dwarves went to war and touched off a blaze which engulfed the east. Without their second breakfast, they were nothing. They built a Laketown of straw. The thundering egos sputtered and stopped. The leaders talked and talked and talked. But nothing could stem the Battle of teh Five Armies. Their world crumbled. The cities exploded. A whirlwind of a Dragon, a firestorm of fear.

Big Folk began to feed on Big Folk. On the roads it was a Nazgûl nightmare. Only those mobile enough to scavenge, brutal enough to pillage would survive. The Rangers took over the highways, ready to wage war for a tank of Earl Grey. And in this maelstrom of decay, ordinary Halflings were battered and smashed. Men like Bilbo. The warrior Bilbo.

In the roar of an 111th Birtday, he lost everything. And became a shell of a man, a burnt out, desolate man, a man haunted by the prescious of his past, a man who wandered out into the wasteland. And it was here, in this blighted place, that he learned to live again...

Hayes, Miller, Hannant - Mad Bilbo 2: The Road Goes Ever On Warrior

**Cyclops** · October 21, 2014, 04:24 PM

Sea, Mountains, Sun, Moon. My grandmother (Ungoliant) used to tell me stories about the old days, a time of peace when Morgoth kept balance between the Orcs, Trolls, Worms, and Fell Beasts. But that all changed when the Elf Nation attacked.

Michael Dante DiMartino et al - Annatar, the Last Ringbender.

**Ngugi** · October 22, 2014, 04:41 PM

Good one C' ^^

There was only one catch and that was Catch-9, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind.
Khamul was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more fell beast missions.
Khamul would be crazy to fly more fell beast missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane, he had to fly them. If he flew them, he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to, he was sane and had to.
The Witch-king was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-9 and let out a respectful whistle.

Joseph Heller - Catch-9

**Ngugi** · October 24, 2014, 11:06 AM

Ar-Pharazon: The Valar bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our Edain, and from our Edain's Edain.
Ar-Zimraphel: And from our Edain's Edain's Edain.
Ar-Pharazon: Yeah.
Ar-Zimraphel: And from our Edain's Edain's Edain's Edain.
Ar-Pharazon: Yeah. All right, Míriel. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?!

Amandil: Long lives?
Ar-Pharazon: What?
Amandil: Long lives.
Ar-Pharazon: Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah.
King's Man #3: And the sanitation.
Ar-Zimraphel: Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Pharazon. Remember what our villages used to be like?
Ar-Pharazon: Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the long lives and the sanitation are two things that the Valar have done.

Elendil: And this island.
Ar-Pharazon: Well, yeah. Obviously this island. I mean, the island go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, our long lives, and this island--
King's Man: Irrigation.
Amandil: Medicine.
King's Men: Huh? Heh? Huh...
King's Man #2: Education.
King's Men: Ohh...
Ar-Pharazon: Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.

King's Man #1: And the wine.
King's Men: Oh, yes. Yeah...
Captain of King's Ships: Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Pharazon, if the Valar had not been. Huh.
King's Man: The white tree.
Ar-Zimraphel: And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Pharazon.
Captain of King's Ships: Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a Middle-earth like this.
King's Men: Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

Ar-Pharazon: All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, Númenor, a fresh water system, and the white tree - what have the Valar ever done for us?
Amandil: Brought peace.
Ar-Pharazon: Oh. Peace? Shut up!

J. Cleese, T. Gilliam, T. Jones etc. - The Life of isildur

**Ngugi** · November 07, 2014, 10:00 AM

Dr. Saruman: Of course, the whole point of a Doomsday Ring is lost, if you *keep* it a *secret*! Why didn't you tell the world, EH?
Gandalf: It was to be announced at the 111th Party on Monday. As you know, the Baggins loves surprises.

~~~

King Théoden: You mean people could actually stay down there for a hundred years?
Dr. Saruman: It would not be difficult, my Dark Lord. Glittering caves could - heh, I'm sorry - my King - glittering caves could provide quarters almost indefinitely.

P. George, S. Kubrick and T. Southern - Dr. Saruman or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Ring

**Cyclops** · January 05, 2015, 06:06 PM

I saw Morgoth in the flesh,
I cut my teeth on Silmarils, in Aman,
And I'm not proud of my escape
From the burning town, the kinslaying

But then Mandos says stop there Noldor turn back or I'll curse you
Fight the Dark lord no-one gonna help you
We don't care, we fight Balrogs in our dreams
And everybody's like War of Wraths done are you gonna come back?
Stay in Endor marry little Celeborn
We don't care, I got caught up in their ring affair

Cos I'll never be mortal (mortal)
Power's in my blood, magic rings were made for us, we crave a different kind of buzz
I will be your ruler (ruler!), you can call me Queen G,
And I'll rule I'll rule I'll rule, I'll rule!
Let me live that fantasy.

I made a mirror in my grove, helped Frodo on his way, to the mountain,
And we gave Mithrandir some clothes, he turned up bare, must've been some party,

And everybody's like Swan boats, lembas, grey cloaks, elf rope,
Gold nuts, light phials, freaking all the hobbits out
We don't care, we give presents of three hairs

And everybody's like Arwens pretty no Galadriel's prettier
Now my rings bust , heading down to Mithlond,
We don't care, we knocked Dol Guldur down and laid it bare,

Cos I'll never be mortal (mortal)
Power's in my blood, magic rings were made for us, we crave a different kind of buzz
I will be your ruler (ruler!), you can call me Queen G,
And I'll rule I'll rule I'll rule, I'll rule!
Let me live that fantasy.

Lorde (of the Rings)- Mortals