Something not quite right

[!ck]

I’m not sure what is wrong, only that something is not quite right. Sorry about the long post btw.

Some minor back-story that might be relevant. As a young child I was a loner, and didn’t show a particular interest in playing with other children. To a degree I eventually began to interact with them, but I could be loud and obnoxious, and my interactions with them did not seem quite smooth. When I was about six for whatever reason my family moved to the other side of the country. Though at first things were ok, I soon was rejected by my classmates and didn’t fit in at all. As a result I became more withdraw and less trustful of others. Eventually, we returned to where we had originally been living. However, to avoid a repeat of rejection I decided to try and do nothing that could be considered objectionable. As a result I was significantly more reserved.

Anyway, I seem unable to relate to people on any real level. I’m unable to make idle chit-chat without considerable effort. It seems pointless to me. I find it difficult to follow conversations most of the time or to find appropriate responses to what people are saying. When I do have a conversation it’s usually stilted or fake. I also find it difficult to make eye contact with people. The best I can manage is fleeting one second glances then I have to pull away. I have extreme anxiety of social situations, particularly where there will be larger crowds. Sometimes I’ll freeze up or shutdown socially. I find myself avoiding such events almost entirely now. I also tend to try and avoid people I know if I see them randomly.

My interactions with my family don’t seem quite right either. I’m not close with my mother or father and wouldn’t talk to them about issues or feelings or any of that stuff. My relationships with my brother and sister are somewhat better I think. My relationship with my brother is probably the closest to normalcy. My sister I would be more inclined to tell stuff, but to a rather rare and limited extent. My relationship with her is more jokey/cheeky/sarcastic.

I have a part-time job, somewhat oddly in customer service. Didn’t really have to interview for it, more went down to the place, the manager showed me around and asked if I felt like giving it ago. However, my manager would like it if I were to chat more with the customers as well as give them eye conduct. I can give them eye conduct to a degree, again fleeting glances never sustained. Occasionally I can make conversation but only in short bursts and again it feels fake. However, I can do the other more ‘technical’ aspects of my job very well and my manager appreciates this so I’m safe there. With the other staff my attitude to them is similar to with my sister, jokey/cheeky/sarcastic as this is the only way I feel able to relate to them. It makes it feel hollow and superficial though. Strangely though I can be sarcastic and recognise when people respond sarcastically back to me, I find it quite difficult to recognise if people are being sarcastic to me when I haven’t instigated it. This is particularly true with people I’ve only just met or don’t know well. It can make it difficult to understand where they’re coming from.

Emotionally things seem quite off as well. I’m not really capable of responding adequately to problems people might have in their lives. I can come off as quite cold and uncaring even when I am sympathetic. My brother has said a few times that I’m dead inside, but I’ve never been able to determine if he was actually joking. Also, a girl I know once told me she didn’t think I loved anyone. Though I don’t quite think I understand love, I know I care about certain people and wouldn’t want to see them distressed or hurt. I seem to have trouble with expressing my emotions. I’m often extremely angry or filled with rage (often disproportionately so by what should be minor annoyances) though I won’t show it outwardly. One of my co-workers once said she had never seen me angry or even annoyed, when in reality I’ve been so, many times, in her presence. I have had public displays of anger, though less and less over the years as I do a good job of controlling it. I don’t seem quite able to read people. A girl at school apparently had a crush or something on me. She would frequently approach me to talk to (I could talk to her, but again was largely jokey/sarcastic), and a number of people told me she had a crush on me(they weren’t the sort to screw with me either) but I never actually registered it. Also, I don’t really like other people to touch me. I don’t care for hugs or anything and any time I would end up hugging someone it would feel completely unnatural.

Overall I feel increasingly isolated, and disconnected from the world and unable to relate to people. Anyone know what’s wrong with me because all this can’t be normal? Any help would be appreciated.

[cfmonkey45]

I see this is your first post here. A bit curious, but nevertheless, I'll still respond. I can pretty much say that I've had a strikingly similar experience of life. Ultimately, it all boils down to attitude and confidence. Attitude helps you motivate yourself to reach outward. Confidence helps you stick out and get accepted by others. Don't worry, everyone has anxiety about meeting new people and going deeper than the superficial.

I would suggest that you start striking up conversations with co-workers, school mates, and practically anyone. If you're anxious, just take slow, deep breaths. It alters your heart rate and helps to release certain hormones that relax the body and muscles (in essence, ridding yourself of anxiety). With the confidence part, you need to consider it this way, no one is going to openly chastise you if you screw up. Most people are very eager to talk to people, few are overtly judgmental. If they are, you shouldn't hang around with them. Secondly, you have to realize that most of them are total strangers. If you screw up, make a bad impression, or whatever, it's not like it will matter. If you don't want to, you'll never have to see them again.

[chriscase]

OP, how old are you?

It sounds to me like you are still pretty young. Late teens?

[Ishoss]

What's your interests? I must say I can relate to your problems. It was really bad when I was younger, but I continually improved when I got more confidence. Before I got more confidence I played MMO's (and still log in from time to time) and that was, well, I dunno. Sort of good, sort of bad. It gave me someone to chat with but not anything to chat about.

My current problems are the same as yours, well sort of. I am crap at chit-chatting. I, like you, don't like pointless conversations... I can discuss football, games, computers, internet culture, music and so on but when it comes to main-stream stuff I am lost. It doesn't help that my musical taste isn't well liked by most at my school Nor does it help that most of my mates are Man United fans, when I am a Liverpool fan. That reminds me: Going to be a fun day at school!

My advise to you is: Gain some courage. I felt worthless in 8th, 9th and 10th grade, despite my grades being significantly better than most people in some subjects. When I got a 6 (the best) on my English exams I finally got a wee bit of confidence.

Simple stuff like walking with a firm back can give people the impression that you have a lot of confidence.

[chriscase]

Not a lot of those around, are there?

Isn't that like going to the career counselor and being told that you are perfectly suited for the job "King of Spain"?

[hellheaven1987]

I have similar situation, but unlike OP, I can actually talk, but only in passive way; generally I don't like to be the one who lead the conversation, but that is mostly because I feel very tired physically after doing that, which is bad because my blood sugar is already low naturally...

But, from my experience, if you don't force yourself to talk, the situation would only become worse.

[Romanos IV]

Maturity is a big thing to have, and a necessary one when entering the PH&A. This is an area where we try to help members, and everyone is expected to behave accordingly. Given that this is a 'special' area of the forums, a warning has been given. Thanks.

[LoZz]

I am just going to come and say it. Go and get professional help. I am talking about a therapist here. Rarely do I recommend such an approach but I sense some deep issues here. Things that perhaps you are not aware of and so are not telling us and as such we cannot help with. I am not saying you’re nuts or insane or anything but I do strongly recommend going to see a professional with this. You have some serious withdrawal issues and some major shyness going on here. That I think only professional help is going to solve. Yes you may well still be a teen and you still have some maturing to do but your cognitive skills are seriously lacking. It does sound largely self-inflicted as well. You simply care to much what others think of you but its gone into the extremes now.

[chriscase]

I am just going to come and say it. Go and get professional help. I am talking about a therapist here.

Ya, I was sort of heading this way too.

The problem is with teens there is sometimes an existential pain contest, especially if we are dealing with artistic aspirations and suchlike. By validating the "yea you are really messed up" persona, we may be encouraging it.

OP, I don't know how old you are. If you are over 21, there is a wider range of self-therapy that might be appropriate. But I can't recommend anything like that to someone who might be 15 or 16 years old. So the safest bet is what LoZz is saying. See a counselor of some kind. Get some help.

BTW is this a drive-by? I never understand drive-by threads for personal help.

[!ck]

OP, how old are you?

It sounds to me like you are still pretty young. Late teens?

Recently turned 20

What's your interests?

ETW, reading about the timeperiod around it, and photography. That's about it.

My advise to you is: Gain some courage. I felt worthless in 8th, 9th and 10th grade, despite my grades being significantly better than most people in some subjects. When I got a 6 (the best) on my English exams I finally got a wee bit of confidence

I was top of my year in history but it didn't inspire any confidence in me. It didn't really seem meaningful to me.

I am just going to come and say it. Go and get professional help. I am talking about a therapist here. Rarely do I recommend such an approach but I sense some deep issues here. Things that perhaps you are not aware of and so are not telling us and as such we cannot help with. I am not saying you’re nuts or insane or anything but I do strongly recommend going to see a professional with this. You have some serious withdrawal issues and some major shyness going on here. That I think only professional help is going to solve. Yes you may well still be a teen and you still have some maturing to do but your cognitive skills are seriously lacking. It does sound largely self-inflicted as well. You simply care to much what others think of you but its gone into the extremes now.

Yes you're probably right that I should seek some professional help. Probably is largely self-inflicted. I didn't always care what others thought, only did so after we moved away when I was young. Before then I didn't give a damn. I don't think I'm insane or anything, it's not quite that bad. More that something that seems so normal in people is lacking in me.

BTW is this a drive-by? I never understand drive-by threads for personal help.

A drive-by?

[Morkonan]

Yes, professional help seems to be the best way to go about solving your particular problem.

I don't mean that you're so screwed up it'll take a professional to untangle your knots! It's just that there are a lot of issues that probably need to be covered so you can get on the right track. It's also going to take some good 1:1 time to help you find ways to start being able to relate better with other people. A professional will be better able to structure some good exercises personally designed for you and not simply straight out of a book.

There are some actual disorders that sometimes manifest them in the ways you are describing. But, that doesn't mean there aren't ways to improve your life and your relationships even if you are diagnosed with one.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and have the ability to interpret your own feelings, or lack of same, on this issue. That's a head-start. You're not starting from Stage One: "WTF???" You're starting from Stage 2: "OK, I think I see what the problem is." So, you've got a headstart on most people - You've identified a problem. Now, all you need is someone to help you find ways to fix it. That's what professionals do and why they were invented.

[persianfan247]

I can relate to the op quite alot though I get along fine with my parents.

[chriscase]

Recently turned 20

I was top of my year in history but it didn't inspire any confidence in me. It didn't really seem meaningful to me.

Yes you're probably right that I should seek some professional help. Probably is largely self-inflicted. I didn't always care what others thought, only did so after we moved away when I was young. Before then I didn't give a damn. I don't think I'm insane or anything, it's not quite that bad. More that something that seems so normal in people is lacking in me.

A drive-by?

OK, you're getting to the age where you really ought to be maturing past the kind of social awkwardness and alienated behavior you're describing. I think seeing a counselor is the best suggestion. If you're more of a do-it-yourself kind of guy, there are other things you can try, but it's pretty hard to get the right kind of approach to that without some kind of experiential basis.

For example, holotropic breathwork and gestalt therapy did wonders for me in essentially the same areas as you are describing, but I didn't just read books about them. I lived and practiced with others who had lots of experience with these modalities.

Unless you can get some kind of experiential grounding, reading books and such is just as likely to send you off into exactly the wrong direction as the right one. In a way, the experiential grounding is part of what you are paying for when you see a therapist.

Oh, a drive-by is when someone makes an account, posts once, and never comes back. It's usually to tell everyone on the forum they are idiots or whatever, but sometimes it seems to happen in PH&A, which I find weird.

[Caledonian Rhyfelwyr]

Wow my situation is scarily simlar to yours OP... right from just turning 20, to being top in my year for history. Only difference is I've never been able to get a job.

[Copperknickers II]

Anyway, I seem unable to relate to people on any real level. I’m unable to make idle chit-chat without considerable effort. It seems pointless to me. I find it difficult to follow conversations most of the time or to find appropriate responses to what people are saying. When I do have a conversation it’s usually stilted or fake. I also find it difficult to make eye contact with people. The best I can manage is fleeting one second glances then I have to pull away. I have extreme anxiety of social situations, particularly where there will be larger crowds. Sometimes I’ll freeze up or shutdown socially. I find myself avoiding such events almost entirely now. I also tend to try and avoid people I know if I see them randomly.

Its a chain reaction, a long spiralling descent. There is no option sometimes but forcing yourself out of that descent. The longer you leave it, the further down you go. Just try and focus on the long term benefits. Eye contact is important, and perhaps the easiest thing to remedy - you need to hold eye contact when talking to people. You don't even have to do it, just look at their hair or something and they won't see the difference. Smile also. Btw, the more fear you have, the more likely you are to stutter or not speak, be positive.

Also, I don’t really like other people to touch me. I don’t care for hugs or anything and any time I would end up hugging someone it would feel completely unnatural.

That is because you aren't used to it. It doesn't matter how it feels to you, the important thing is how it feels to others. A pat on the back, or something, to accompany a joke or something (just not too much, just to show them that you aren't trying to keep away from them).

Overall I feel increasingly isolated, and disconnected from the world and unable to relate to people. Anyone know what’s wrong with me because all this can’t be normal? Any help would be appreciated.

You are introverted and socially wary, probably due to the social stresses of moving into a new environment but partly natural predisposition. The important thing is that there is no such thing as 'normal'. You are by no means alone, many millions of people are in your position.

[Каие]

Personally I don't see anything wrong with you OP. It seems to me it's a textbook case of Introversion, which is neither wierd, nor uncommon. People have to accept that not everyone is the same, and some people are simply different. Should you seek professional help for being a little bit different? Of course not, and don't do it. You're still young, you've got time on your side and plenty of space and time to get better at social interaction. If you don't enjoy being around crowds and big parties or whatever, then that's your own preference.

It's classic introversion anyway, introverted people don't really enjoy being in crowdy social situations for prolonged periods of time, not that they generalyl avoid them completely, but it tends to sap more energy from them then if they were alone, or with a small handful of mates or siblings. And the small talk/idle chit chat bit, again a classic example of introversion. Introverted people sometimes are simply no good at small talk or see no point in it, preferring instead to have long and deep conversations about a certain topic they are interested. As is the whole people thinking you're cold thing and suppressing emotions. Introverted people don't like being the centre of attention, or really expressing feelings to get that attention, so they are sometimse mistaken for being cold and uncaring, which is not necessarily true.

This isn't a mental illness or anything either, it's just how humans are split up. Into introverted, or extraverted people. I'm a bit introverted as well, but perhaps not to the extent that you are. Not that that's a problem.

Look, just be yourself. Obviously you should make an effort to make friends (you will always meet people you have things in common with you,or are like you), and make an effort to socialise and get out there to events and whatever, maybe with your siblings if that helps, because that's generally better for your own self development. But no one's asking you to stop being yourself, or do things which make you too uncomfortable, because that isn't the point. The point is to have a little diversity in life, but retaining the core of who you are.

[Morkonan]

Personally I don't see anything wrong with you OP. It seems to me it's a textbook case of Introversion, which is neither wierd, nor uncommon. People have to accept that not everyone is the same, and some people are simply different. Should you seek professional help for being a little bit different? Of course not, and don't do it. You're still young, you've got time on your side and plenty of space and time to get better at social interaction. If you don't enjoy being around crowds and big parties or whatever, then that's your own preference. ...

Being introverted is, of course, not something that is a problem in and of itself.

However, when one has a problem with one's own withdrawal from society, then it IS a problem. Some people are perfectly comfortable with staying inside all day, never speaking with other people, avoiding personal contact, etc.. That's not particularly "healthy" but it also isn't life threatening. But, the OP does not sound as if they are comfortable with this. That's where it becomes an issue suitable to see a professional about.

Whenever a behavior affects the quality of life for a person, that's when it becomes worthy of being addressed even if it is a seemingly benign behavior. If it is something the person perceives to be a problem, they should seek out assistance in overcoming it no matter how inane it may appear from the outside.

[Каие]

Not really, he's merely under the perception that it is a problem because his personality and behaviour does not conform to social expectations and norms. As far as I can see, he gets along with his family, work colleagues and school mates rather well, or well enough, he just doesn't go that much further. It's not society he is rejecting, as it seems from where Im standing, but a certain part of society. If he sees this as normal, and quits worrying about it so much, then things will be a bit more relaxed and non-anxious which would allow him to discover himself in his own time and his own way. It's very easy to socialise and get involved once one has come to terms with themselves.

[Copperknickers II]

Personally I don't see anything wrong with you OP. It seems to me it's a textbook case of Introversion, which is neither wierd, nor uncommon. People have to accept that not everyone is the same, and some people are simply different.

That's a rather ideological piece of advice. The USA shouldn't execute people, but it does. Some people get a harder time in life than others - a lot of the time it balances out - popular people do badly in school, introverts are intelligent and soar through. Sometimes that is not the case. You get people who seem perfect, smart, funny, attractive, popular. You get others who aren't. But you can't do anything about it, you just have to accept that some things you don't have to accept, some you do.

[chriscase]

It's important to be able to hold the correct amount of eye contact with others. Too much or too little can cause extensive and prolonged bouts of difficulty and negative consequences. That problem needs to get fixed if nothing else.