Iím not sure what is wrong, only that something is not quite right. Sorry about the long post btw.
Some minor back-story that might be relevant. As a young child I was a loner, and didnít show a particular interest in playing with other children. To a degree I eventually began to interact with them, but I could be loud and obnoxious, and my interactions with them did not seem quite smooth. When I was about six for whatever reason my family moved to the other side of the country. Though at first things were ok, I soon was rejected by my classmates and didnít fit in at all. As a result I became more withdraw and less trustful of others. Eventually, we returned to where we had originally been living. However, to avoid a repeat of rejection I decided to try and do nothing that could be considered objectionable. As a result I was significantly more reserved.
Anyway, I seem unable to relate to people on any real level. Iím unable to make idle chit-chat without considerable effort. It seems pointless to me. I find it difficult to follow conversations most of the time or to find appropriate responses to what people are saying. When I do have a conversation itís usually stilted or fake. I also find it difficult to make eye contact with people. The best I can manage is fleeting one second glances then I have to pull away. I have extreme anxiety of social situations, particularly where there will be larger crowds. Sometimes Iíll freeze up or shutdown socially. I find myself avoiding such events almost entirely now. I also tend to try and avoid people I know if I see them randomly.
My interactions with my family donít seem quite right either. Iím not close with my mother or father and wouldnít talk to them about issues or feelings or any of that stuff. My relationships with my brother and sister are somewhat better I think. My relationship with my brother is probably the closest to normalcy. My sister I would be more inclined to tell stuff, but to a rather rare and limited extent. My relationship with her is more jokey/cheeky/sarcastic.
I have a part-time job, somewhat oddly in customer service. Didnít really have to interview for it, more went down to the place, the manager showed me around and asked if I felt like giving it ago. However, my manager would like it if I were to chat more with the customers as well as give them eye conduct. I can give them eye conduct to a degree, again fleeting glances never sustained. Occasionally I can make conversation but only in short bursts and again it feels fake. However, I can do the other more Ďtechnicalí aspects of my job very well and my manager appreciates this so Iím safe there. With the other staff my attitude to them is similar to with my sister, jokey/cheeky/sarcastic as this is the only way I feel able to relate to them. It makes it feel hollow and superficial though. Strangely though I can be sarcastic and recognise when people respond sarcastically back to me, I find it quite difficult to recognise if people are being sarcastic to me when I havenít instigated it. This is particularly true with people Iíve only just met or donít know well. It can make it difficult to understand where theyíre coming from.
Emotionally things seem quite off as well. Iím not really capable of responding adequately to problems people might have in their lives. I can come off as quite cold and uncaring even when I am sympathetic. My brother has said a few times that Iím dead inside, but Iíve never been able to determine if he was actually joking. Also, a girl I know once told me she didnít think I loved anyone. Though I donít quite think I understand love, I know I care about certain people and wouldnít want to see them distressed or hurt. I seem to have trouble with expressing my emotions. Iím often extremely angry or filled with rage (often disproportionately so by what should be minor annoyances) though I wonít show it outwardly. One of my co-workers once said she had never seen me angry or even annoyed, when in reality Iíve been so, many times, in her presence. I have had public displays of anger, though less and less over the years as I do a good job of controlling it. I donít seem quite able to read people. A girl at school apparently had a crush or something on me. She would frequently approach me to talk to (I could talk to her, but again was largely jokey/sarcastic), and a number of people told me she had a crush on me(they werenít the sort to screw with me either) but I never actually registered it. Also, I donít really like other people to touch me. I donít care for hugs or anything and any time I would end up hugging someone it would feel completely unnatural.
Overall I feel increasingly isolated, and disconnected from the world and unable to relate to people. Anyone know whatís wrong with me because all this canít be normal? Any help would be appreciated.