[DM AAR] The damn great war

[S-te-Fan]

Ok, I'm starting this AAR because this is a damn great campaign I'm playing and I like to write sometime .

Well... It actually started around 1750. News reached the austrian president, who ruled an empire of only 1 province named Vienna, that his expedition of 1600 men had colonised and civilizated all of india and persia. The Austrian president responded like this:

President: "lol wut?"
Advisor: "omg! ve can take all over zhe world now!

Too bad for the austrians the rest of the world has gotten know this and that's why everyone started to hate Austria for being a republic, and because they whiped out the only factions whe can field elephants so the AI can't battle against elephants anymore AND they can't test their guns anymore on sword wielding crazy people who look like indians.

Poland has grown into a huge empire, conquered the balkan, and was untill I came fighting a heavy war against the ottomans. Because they're turkish... Britain invaded Prussia because they had better quality uniforms and the current british king wanted to make his father's dream come true: making sure that the british empire gets some decent uniforms.

So.. after they had annexed brandenburg they marched on to saxony. The lower classes got heavily repressed because they needed to make new uniforms for the whole british army. After the new uniforms were distributed they looked so splendid that they blinded the bavarian army and because of that the british could conquerer bavaria. But bavaria was catholic and after the invention of sunglasses the bavarian nationalists took their nation back and are driving the english out of mainland europe and have taken saxony already.

Meanwhile the french were becoming afraid of the austrian empire because it was seizing their colonies. French spies had discovered that if they killed one of my ancestors, the austrian empire would've never grown so powerful so they conquered the united provinces and heavily repressed the population but my ancestors fled to westphalia. After the french spies discovered that my ancestors were there the nation of westphalia was no more. Now my ancestors live in vienna and the french don't want to go to war with bavaria who is between me and france because they're kicking british ass (wow, smart AI) or just them being catholic. Now the french's only choice is to to go to italy. Which they are doing. Too bad for them I can built huge armies with my income of around 70.000 per turn.

At the moment I'm advancing from persia into the ottoman empire and I'm currently occupying northern italy to advance into france. My other priority is to reconquerer the balkans. So here starts my story.





Writing part 1...

[Legio]

Good start so far!

[Comrade the Colonel]

nice, im looking forward to more

[S-te-Fan]

Part 1 - Just some fighting

The austrians were preparing for a huge war. With armies building up in india (to take out the Tamil Tigers), Venice, Rome, Austria. The austrians knowledge of warfare exceeded that of all nations and they were already experimenting with rifling their muskets. But then the austrians heard terrible news. The hamsters of children who were fightning guerrila wars against the polish were killed. All of the balkans was full of sad children. The austrians couln't bear the sound of screaming children so that's why they marched on the balkans, with ear protection.

So that's were the battle for the balkans started.

The polish forced were heavily outnumbered and a lot less smarter then the austrians. They didn't have any ear protection. So they had trouble with fighting.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The austrian commando skirmishers made very short work of the polish (literally) by ambushing them were they couldn't look. And because the polish were all deaf of the screaming children they didn't get noticed.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

And ofcours Hans won the bet about being the first to charge into an enemy formation.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Meanwhile the polish got the feeling they were being attacked from behind. But once again, they were deaf so they couldn't hear it.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The austrians thought they could burn the polish out. But surprisingly it didn't harm the polish.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Surprisingly, the austrians won the battle. They liberated a part of the balkans and donated hamsters to the children.

Meanwhile the russians were invading the caucasus. They were lucky that local the army was still under construction in persia. but the region quickly got reconquered by men disguised as grass. Who took the russians completely by surprise when it was tea vodka time.

The ottoman empire was in decline. The only province they had now was egypt. Which would be taken soon by the austrians.

[S-te-Fan]

Part 2 - The Tamil Tigers

The army created in persia advanced towards the cacausus. And soon there will be a battle over there.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

But before that the austrians went fighting against the tamil tigers. The austrians were very afraid of the ugly people. They relied heavily on a new toy from china, rockets.

But the indians didn't fear because they knew chinese rockets were so worthless they wouldn't hit a thing. Instead of that, the wood armed landless rabbles were wondering why they suddenthly got powder bags attached to their belts.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

When the light cavalry charged the austrians' fear became true, when they spotted the ugly tamil tigers' faces some of them couldn't bear it anymore and suffered a fatal hearth attack.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Finally, the Tamil Tigers made their last stance at the cookie factory. Which was, obviously, the most important building on all of Sri Lanka, and one of the reasons the austrians wanted the island. The Austrians took special medicines too lower their sight, so they wouldn't suffer a hearth attack.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Hungary got besieged, but the defender knew of nothing. The enemy army mainly concisted out of irregular infantry and some cannons.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

When the daily pee time came the polish advanced towards the austrian line. When they were the hill they got welcomed by austrian gunfire.

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The first wave of attackes got massecred by enemy gunfire and because they couldn't hold their urines so there bladders exploded. The 2nd wave got owned by cavalry charges. And because the enemy was giving their lives to take a pee they were an easy target.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Now, an army marches to savoy, to fight against a large french stack. Meanwhile the army who fought against the Tamil Tigers are being transported to europe. To invade france and take paris.

[samsmithnz]

Fantastic screenshots. Are you running on full graphics??

[S-te-Fan]

Yes, only SSAO disabled.

[S-te-Fan]

Part 3 - Holiday in france

And so, an austrian army marched on Turin. The Austrian general, who was a traveller. Looked forward on visiting france:

Austrian General: Ha.... France, I've always wanted to go there. This is gonna be a great holiday.
Officer: But we're at war with the french. We have to figh them!
Austrian General: Nonsense, we're going to visit some allies.

And so the Austrian general arrived at Turin.

Austrian General: Frenchmen! I'm soo glad to be here!
*Boom* *pats* *shhhrrrrrrrrrp* *pwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiet*
Austrian General: They're attacking us! We got backstabbed!
Officer: Well this has bene milanese territory soo...

Austrian General: Open FIRE! KILL THOSE FROGS!

And so, the first volleys was aimed at the nearby swamp and the local frog population got heavily reduced.

Austrian General: NEIN DUMPFKOPPEN! FIRE ON THE FRENCH! NEVER SEEN SHARPE!? BRIN IN THE FIREWORKS! SKIRMISHERS, KILL THEM!!!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

It was a bloody battle, for the french.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Cavalry officer: What is that over there?
Cuirassier: It looks like cake sir!
Cavalry officer: CAKE!!!!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

After the battle a french soldier got irrogated:

Colonel: We found cake on the bodies of your soldiers, WERE did you get it?
French Soldier: I won't tell... I won't!!
Colonel: If you won't tell it.. I've a feather here...
French soldier: No.. don't!! STOP!!!
Colonel: You can make it stop...
French Soldier: Ok.. I'll tell. There's a cake factory in Paris. We get our cakes there.
Colonel: Wonderbär! MEN! WE ADVANCE TO PARIS!

Once the rest of the empire heard of this, everyone became mad.

Austrain president: cake, CAKE! WE'VE KNOW WERE WE CAN GET CAKE! I'm ordering a massive offensive against the french to take the french cake factory!!

And so on and so on.. The Eastern and european apart of the empire got connected when another piece of the balkans and istanbul got captured. Now, with 10 armies there would be no stopping the austrian empire...

[Crazypantoufle]

Very nice AAR, so humourous about bugs and strange AI behavior ingame! Your story really made me laugh loudly like a stupid cow (but a cow who can read, so maybe not so stupid...) in front of my computer.
Please continue your so funny AAR!
(and quick, so i can read a few pages before the doctors my girlfriend has just phoned come and take me to that strange place with soft walls)

[Legio]

Austrian General: NEIN DUMPFKOPPEN! FIRE ON THE FRENCH! NEVER SEEN SHARPE!? BRIN IN THE FIREWORKS! SKIRMISHERS, KILL THEM!!!

ICH BIN EIN FRANKFURTER
i demand you add that line somewhere, stefan!

[S-te-Fan]

Part 4 - A new toy

And so the time came that the austrians laid siege on Breslau, the capital of Silesia. Negotiations started with the local garrison.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Garrison colonel: Du bist ein berliner?
Austrian general: No I'm not. I do not come from Berlin, were do you come from?
Garrison colonel: You head looks like ein hamburger
Austrain General: What did you just say?
Garrison colonel: Du bist ein hamburger.
Austrian General: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, ICH BIN EN FRANKFURTER FÜR GOTT'S SAKE.
Garrison colonel: Du bist ein Berliner?
Austrian General: ENOUGH, GET INSIDE YOU FORTRESS AND WE WILL FIGHT ABOUT THIS MATTER.

The austrians got a new toy prior to the battle. It were physically ill men which had fake guns. They made gunfiring sounds when firing and the enemy believed so much in these deadly units that they really died when they were getting "fake" shot. Indeed, a terrible weapon.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

It was, an easy batle. The polish first assembled at the fortress square to discuss what they were going to do. They were an easy target for our with percussion caps armed howitzers. They finally decided to first take a wee before going into battle. The same thing happend as in the battle for hungary. The Austrians ambushed the polish behind a hill and the enemy got massacred.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

It became an easy victory with only 53 causualties. The windbüchse jaegers with their fake shots were particullary effective.

Some time later 2 armies were advancing into french territory, 1 went to Paris to get some cake and the other went to alsec-lorraine. The armies met some ressistance. But it were all easy battles because the french were wondering what these strange boards were which spawned trough the country.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Meanwhile 2 other armies were created.


In the dardanelles the Fortress fleet met a polish fleet of small ships. As the austrians thought they had cake they immediatly attacked the enemy fleet with no mercy.

When the battle started a captian named Niko, commanding a fourth rate ship thought he could easily take on te small ships he saw on the horizon. The Heavy First Rate ship "Berliner" accepted the skirmish.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

But then Niko suddenthly saw that the small ships on the horizon got larger and larger. "Magic!" He screamed and he quickly ordered the rest of the fleet to protect him.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The enemy fourth rate got defeated. And nothing was ever heard from Niko.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The large fleet of small boats were no match for the floating fortresses.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

While some ships were chasing the feeling enemies, the remaining ships were having fun with shooting cannister shot at polish people who were begging for there lives.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

No ship was lost, they almost didn't got damaged.

[Legio]

Captain Niko, I see what you did there sir. and i dont scream! i yell in a manly fashion.

[finian1712]

I LOVE IT BRILLIANT and you modded youre game so that grenadier units where line infantry sizes didnt you???

[S-te-Fan]

I LOVE IT BRILLIANT and you modded youre game so that grenadier units where line infantry sizes didnt you???

No I didn't I use darthmod. The Grenadiers have no grenades.

[finian1712]

So how did you make the grenadier sizes larger?

[S-te-Fan]

darthmod

[MastahCheef117]

lol, nice stefan