The 10th Regiment of foot emerged from the lush jungle of a sweltering Lithuanian summer as the first light of dusk cast its dreadful gaze upon them. The other two Swedish regiments had broken from the trees somewhat earlier, but the mighty captain of the 10th, Rurik Kristensen, was adamant that a strong, powerful slow march in single file would ensure their place as the front line in the great battle that fate had chosen to spin for the 10th.
Shadows billowed across the savannah like toppled sentinels wriggling to escape the dance of their infantry masters as Rurik hacked a path through the dense and continuous wall of lupins which plague that part of the world with his sabre, Enslaverofnazis, which was forged by tompta gudhi and delivered to Rurik as a prize for being loved so much by them as a result of how skilled he was.
Rurik's men, marching in the wake of their destroyer god, passed over the crest of a hill to see yet another tundra rainforest ahead. Some men grew uneasy and unbeknownst to Rurik, which is unusual, as his knowledge is vast and his sensual perception is matched only by his power and wit, the threat of mutiny stirred in his ranks. The column was threatening to halt their march.
The swine did indeed pull from the plan of Rurik, which was to keep on marching. Without the lead of their glorious leader, who was Rurik, the crazed bastards found themselves not only banished from the world of good and holiness, of which Rurik was president elect and also benevolent dictator, but also unable to do proper formations. They made a formation up, but it was not a good one, because if Rurik attacked his new enemies, they would all be dead, which proves the formation not ideal.
Rurik was enraged and rather than challenging his regiment to single combat, out of mercy, he spared their lives and simply marched onwards, knowing that soon these usurperous faithless peasants would soon run to join him. He was correct, of course, for none of these men could resist his charm and beauty, nor ignore his wisdom, a small fraction of which he had demonstrated when he informed them that they had stopped in a dark body of trees and while there were no more dragons in the world (a feat for which Rurik was completely responsible and remorseful, but he never cried because he was not just a god of men, he was also a man), bears still lived in woods.
Meanwhile, in a less important part of the world, a mile NNW of Rurik and his ward, the 10th, a regiment of Polish nazis faced the other two regiments of Swedes, staring the stare of dead men as they stood, rigid, upon the field of death, where they were destined to be slain to bloody and shameful death within the hour by Rurik and to a lesser extent, his Swedish allies. The nazis can not have known that Rurik was at the head of a regiment of linesmen marching ever more imposingly in their direction, or they would have fled before they were even born, but some trembling part of their subconscious must have heard the proximity of Rurik and died a fearful and semi-suicidal death at this point, as was the case with all men who existed near the places where Rurik walked the earth.
Wearing the brightly red petticoats that only nazis can, the nazis prayed to their false devil in anticipation, but they could not be saved; nazis never can.
If they had the foresight to stand on the other side of their flag so that they could see themselves through it, the nazis may have suspected their doom and killed themselves fully, but they did not, because nazis are quite dull, both in intellect and in their features. Tired and weathered by the holy wind that roared across the sea of lupins and archipelago of trees and small pebbles from Ruriks nostrils, these vulgar Polish fascists were already on the point of collapse, a collapse which would come before the end of this salty and burning Baltic dusk.
Rurik, who had been concentrating on deflowering swathes of beautiful young women with his solid and powerful spirit, as he frequently did, hence babies being made in the world, even in this archaic age of steam and leeches, looked up from his reproductive work to see that his comrades of the Swedish holy land had evidently cheated physics, in which Rurik was a doctor and also a good lecturer who was given apples and bananas for his excellent lecturing to the poor and infected (mostly with lupin spore sickness or also leprosy) of old Gothenburg. The others had arrived on the scene of the criminal fascism before the 10th, which was wholly not on, so he would give them a talking to if he was not so nice and merciful; his merciful and nice tendencies being the entire reason for his so called allies' persistence in the world of the living, because Rurik was very powerful at killing and he also had a keen sense of seeing when things were not on.
Unable to face the god king Rurik after the wrongs that they had committed against him and the free people of that place by cheating to become at the place before Rurik, the dragoons quavered and wept bitterly for their sins. Rurik still would have ended them in all his mercy, if it were not for his knowledge that the horses were not at fault and as dexterous as Rurik is known to have been, his power was too vast to not kill everything including the horses if he were to explode the dragoons into pieces of dead brain and other things. Rurik told the dragoons to tell him about how much fun they had killing all of the nazis before he had arrived, so that he could judge them and possibly curse a great number of them to death for having had more fun than Rurik would allow for such traitors. Suddenly, he read all of their minds at once, which was easy for him and he discovered that they had not yet defeated the nazis, being quite incompetent, as seen also by the way that they disobeyed Rurik's will by already being there when he got there.
Rurik parted the dragoons by staring at where he wanted to go so that they would part and then he marched through the parting, which was part of a plan that he had devised for getting to a place. The place in Rurik's design was a place of glory and slaughter, where nazis would crumble near his feet, which he thought was a good place to be and he was right so he walked towards there slowly and steadily, even though he didn't have to because he was destined to win all races and not in a game of chance, as Rurik was very skilled, as you probably know because you live on a world scarred by his battles and triumphs which are actually the same thing.
Rurik ordered his men to wait, as he was perfectly capable of annhialating the enemy alone and also more deserving than any of them, especially the drummer, who Rurik hated but spared because Rurik was nicer than everyone else put together even if you burnt the nasty bits and threw them away very far so that they did not count.
The men were deafened by being so near to such a titanic avatar of greatness for so long, his aura of manliness having punctured their eardrums in one of its constant pulsations, so they followed blindly, which is a true fact, because they were also blinded by Rurik's legendary power and handsome looks, though he never looked at them directly, lest they would die of sorrow that they were all men and unable to sexually reproduce with him. This angered Rurik, but he let it slide, for reasons we may never know.
The flag bearer was pretty good at jumping, probably because he was near to Rurik which is always a good thing until Rurik discovers that it would be better for the person near to him to be dead, which is a field of discovery pioneered by Rurik and his family (everyone, because he was so promiscuous in the most noble possible way) are still eligible for royalties, because Rurik had the foresight to also invent the universal patent office and fund it for ever by letting someone buy an autographed portrait of him that they made with some paint and papyrus. Portraits of Rurik were very common at the time because when people saw Rurik, his image was burned into their mind so that they could never escape its enchanting presence, so people could draw him without his ever having sat upon a stool to be drawn, which he didn't feel like doing, so it is lucky that the didn't have to to be portrayed as accurately as mortal hands can manage, because the world would be no good if his image was only available in the less obvious version that is the mark his aura of greatness left upon every rock and every oxygen in the whole world.
Wonder filled the ranks, of which there were many, of Rurik's column. They had not been informed of their destination, all having simply been willing to follow Rurik to any end, his glory being so great and the safety ensured by following his protective form being so definite. Now, having marched for some months, across the sea, into the snow, through hell and between jungles and lupin pastures, they began to consider the purpose of their march. One man asked if they were going to Scarborough fair, his feeling being that it was a long way to Tipperary, he had been told by the sailing folk of his native Luleå, so his hope was that this was not where they were going. Most were certain that they were not headed for the bottom of the deep blue Timbuktu, as they had crossed the waves already and it was really more likely that they were going to Acapulco to fight the Spanish, who were rumoured to have links to the devil and fascism, but if anyone had actually made a proper inquiry, the men were unaware of it, so Scarborough fair was very likely in terms of places to which they might be going. However, when the man asked if they were going to Scarborough fair, another man told him that no, they were not going there. This contrasted with the belief system of the first man, but having no moustache, he was at the mercy of the second man and did not punch him.
As Rurik stood and contemplated whether to leap over the wooden fence that stood in his path or simply destroy it with fire, the same man who spoke about a dream of Tipperary so long ago spoke once more, this time asking if they were there yet. No reply resounded in his head because nobody was listening to him. This is because almost the entire universe was focused upon how dashing and handsome Rurik was at this particular point in time and the only reason that the man who spoke was not fixated on the fact that was Rurik's desirability was because he was a dullard.
At this point, the nazis awoke from the corpse like paralysis induced by recognition of their doom at the hand of Rurik and they prepared to prepare themselves for battle, but realised in horror that by some heavenly twist of fate, they had no invincible armour to protect themselves momentarily from Rurik, so their obliteration was not only certain, but near.
Driven insane by being nazis, the Polish banner flew suddenly westwards; scholars argue unanimously that the internal compasses of these birdbrained nazis were obviously scattered by Rurik's sexual magnetism, which had infinite range and power and that they were actually attempting to flee from the might of Rurik.
Rurik tired of where he had been standing, so he ran quite fast away from that place and ironically, also away from the nazis, who he probably deemed nonthreatening enough that he had stricken them from his thoughts, which would support the dominant theory that their approach and his withdrawal were completely unrelated.
While they were powerless to flee from Rurik and his men, the nazis had not been exposed to Rurik for long enough to be blinded, so they were, it would seem, very surprised when they reached the wall to also reach the realisation that Rurik and the 10th had vanished. Speaking all at once in the local dialect of the callous nazi tongue used by nazis, it is claimed that at this point, the nazis exclaimed in unison; "Ash nazg kurwa pomerania nazg gimbatol ash kolduni polski kiszona Rurik smietana?!!" which can be translated and censored to "Where did they go?"
The alpha nazi, who was disguised in non-alpha nazi uniform as part of his nazi trickery, was heard to inform his colleagues that they should look up and down because he had already looked forwards very thoroughly and that was not where their enemies hid, but the thunderous stampede of dragoons who descended upon the nazis from the rear may have obscured his true fowl words.
It is a testament to the terror that Rurik inspired in all evildoers at the time that when a hundred horsemen plummeted through their flesh, the nazis continued to survey their surroundings for Rurik and the 10th, apparently, if they noticed the dragoons, they were simply comforted by the mounted enemy cutting through their behind, as the fact that horsemen occupied that space was evidence that Rurik did not.
As the burning sabres of Rurik's allies hacked the meat from his nazi clones, nazi prime looked up from his study of the landscape and bleated an order to his nazis to return slashes before himself being cut down by a Swedish dragoon. Nazi prime was gone, but this would not be the end of the nazis. Rurik would have to engage them directly, as with those rebellious dragoon scoundrels engaging the enemy, Rurik would risk hurting the horses once more if he were to harness his powers to deal a ballistic strike.
One horse in particular was a skilled war hero horse, his name was Clover and he was ordered to jump too soon by an incompetent dragoon, when galloping back into the fray after running the nazis through completely, which had meant passing a stone wall. Jumping too soon in an ordinary horse may have resulted in two very broken front legs and a dead rider, but as mentioned, Clover was a hero and when he noticed that they were coming in too low, he took immediate action.
Clover, being a very clever horse, prayed to Rurik for salvation from the dreadful fate at hand and Rurik willed Clover his powers of skill, but it was up to Clover to use these powers and save the day, if the day is seen from the perspective of someone who considers Clover's legs as ultimately important. It has been suggested that Rurik was one such person, which is why he lent his powers to Clover and it is known now from scientific tests that Rurik was always right about such things so it would be pertinent for all of us to adopt this perspective, even if we were not born with the compassion and understanding of Rurik (everyone is like this, Rurik has not been defeated at compassion or understanding by anyone at all and is only not in the Guinness Book of World Records for these things because he left it in his will that he would not be in that book so that other people could be in it).
Clover combined Ruriks skills with his own intuition masterfully and harnessed the powerful magics he was now endowed with to victorious and successful triumph. It is important to note that because of this, his bones were never ground down to glue and he was buried after dieing at the ripe old age of 86 human years in a sandpit, which is very good because sand worms are not very big or hungry on this world, while earthworms are quite ravenous. Why this is important is partially because Clover was a great horse and performed many other heroic feats before death, which happened while he was asleep in bed, but mostly because if glue was made from Clover, astrophysicists and neurologists claim that everything would be glued together and impossible to pull apart, which would mean no more "big bangs" or flying dinosaurs, which is bad. The dragoon who almost killed Clover with his stupidity did not understand all of this and he was glum and unappreciative.
After ensuring Clover's safety in a protective act so typical of Rurik and recovering all of his skills, Rurik seized the moment and mounted a gallant solitary charge towards the nazis, who had foolishly exposed themselves by leaving their front facing Rurik behind only a wall of stone. Rurik's men pursued him longingly and at this time, paleontologists write that the drummer gave a clear example of one of the many reasons for which he was hated by Rurik.
Rurik raised Enslaverofnazis and adopted a beautiful, yet terrible, killing stance as he prepared to plummet horizontally through the nazi menace. Being forged by tompta gudhi, newly retrieved data from the section of the Great Library of Alexandria restricted to pathologists reveals that Enslaverofnazis was actually made of pure justice, the purity of which is the reason that Enslaverofnazis is realistically portrayed as almost entirely transparent.
As the 10th were drawn from only the most ravenous berserkers of the Swedish ice catacombs, they unscrupulously took the foolish shortest possible route to engage the nazi vagabonds and make meat clouds of them, rather than striking at the point of maximum victorious potential, which Rurik had instinctively pinpointed due to his days of defeating other armies single handedly and with his eyes closed. It has been passed down through the generations and was recently on the radio and the internet at the same time that it is because of the rage Rurik felt concerning the actions of his men and the effort he was forced to take to preserve many of their lives from the pocket of deadly situations into which they had obliviously penetrated that the events of the day unfolded as disastrously as they did.
Bypassing the fortifications unnoticed, Rurik silently began to take life with his firm, reassuring hands, tactically executing the nearest nazi and illustrating an unforgiving promise that there would be no siege or attrition; each nazi would feel the blood slip from its murderous coils of flesh in a lurid baptism of punishment before Rurik next drew breath, and though Rurik could hold his breath for several days according to the evidence presented to experts from antiquity in the form of the Shroud of Turin, a statistician key to the critically acclaimed reinvention of the wheel tells us that Rurik would not feel like holding his breath for more than five or ten minutes at this time, which gives a very good time frame for the next few events in this story.
One aspect of Rurik's personality that has not been explored thus far is how angelically sporting he was. Rather than condemn his evil enemies to eternal nonexistence with his blade of light and justice, Rurik was known to often punch his enemies into being dead, which he did by making a fist with his hand and then thrusting the fist at the worthy victims of his objective sense of justice.
Rurik delved deep into the nazi occupied motherland to kill nazis and plunder their evil to be annulled by his own infinite good, but knowing that the clenched hands of Rurik would end them all, most of the nazis directed their black magic and unclean attacks upon him, much like a circle of friends playing piggy in the middle except that Rurik was not a piggy by any spin of the bucket and the nazis were no friends of his or anyone else because nazis are hated for their bad ways. This analogy comes into its own, however, when you approach the throwing of the ball part of piggy in the middle, which, as in the ultimate game of chance, chess, was very prevalent, in the form of feebly trying to hit Rurik with their weapons. Rurik rephrased his prior promise at this point, in the deep, earthy roar characteristic of Rurik, he bellowed "Don't worry nazis, I will end you swiftly" or something to that effect, which relieved every nazi very much, as they did not want to endure a slow end by Rurik because of how little they understood of the world and particularly how great it was to be near Rurik.
One of the nazis, calling forth the dark powers of his unholy maker, struck Rurik and Rurik fell to the ground. This is the saddest of things, because Rurik was on the ground, which was fashionable among the dead, but not among Rurik and Rurik looked good whatever he did or wore.
Rurik was not dead though because he could not be killed that easily, even by the nuclear explosion that the nazi had attacked him with. Rurik returned to his feet and was just about to banish the plutonic circle of nazis which were fighting him by spinning in a circle and cutting off every head that the nazis had with Enslaverofnazis, the great weapon whose hilt was embedded in Rurik's clenched fist cavity, but suddenly he saw that many of his followers were being killed by the other nazis also and it made Rurik as sad as if a group of puppies were torn apart by chimpanzees and he became aware of this monstrous series of acts. Rurik had to change his plan into a plan which involved all of the nazis dying sooner than they would with his current plan, because he did not want many of his allies to stop being alive.
Changing plans takes time though and while Rurik was just trying to change his plan, a nazi was very mean to him and punctured his perfect body with a gun. Rurik staggered backwards and without crying, however much it hurt because he was brave like iron lions, Rurik gave his powers combined to the ordinary people from Sweden who were fighting nazis and thus made sure that all of the nazis would die. Then Rurik went to sleep for ever because it was what he had to do and Rurik was the dominant expert on duty and honour because he knew about both things a lot more than everyone else knew about anything.
A picture was drawn of Rurik's last battle by a man and it is very famous and remembered whenever anyone good goes away forever. The picture, which is called "Captain Awesome Executes Many Nazis" shows Rurik kneeling on the floor of the ground and ripping the heart from one nazi in a large group of nazis that he is fighting. The soulless husk of the nazi is trying to repent but it can not because being a heathen nazi, no one can help it or wants to.
The drummer who was hated by Rurik also died in this battle, like a more significant version of Judas. No one mourned the loss of him, which surprises no one because evidence proves that he was not very good.
Unlike Rurik, who will be remembered by all for ever and ever, the drummer's name was forgotten before he even died and his face vanished from the annals of history before a dead nazi sat on it with the large bottom full of fat that it had; even though nazis have no sexual organs, they have bottoms because they are very full of excrement if they do not visit the lavatory quite often, more often than a normal human being.
The despicable shame of these nazis could be seen from the stars and also from the moon, which Rurik would have known, being a man of learning. Fortunately, no starfarers would have to take action and reduce the nazis to nothing, partially because this would already be done by the remnants of the force touched by Rurik's leadership and still doused in echoes of his power would see that no nazis escaped the field, but also partially because if Rurik died doing something, that was actually proof that it could not be done by others, so it was really nice of him to even do it at all because everyone else in the universe would have failed where Rurik succeeded, what a great man and a figure of love for us all Rurik was.
The End.
[ETW AAR] March of Rurik, Champion Deity Regent of the 10th Regiment of Foot
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