Best Bond villains? (Connery era)
M here, now pay close attention 007. SPECTRE has seized two nuclear warheads from the former Soviet Republic of Kappezlistan and are holding them for ransom. Unless we vote who the best Bond Villain is, they are threatening to explode them in Paris; which would be catastrophic. In theory.
Bond villains of the Connery era-
Dr.No
Dr.No
Dr. Julius No was a treasurer for the Tong crime syndicate but did a bunk with their gold. His hands having been destroyed by radiation (apparently nobody told him radiation=bad) they were replaced by metal pincers. No is a member (though country cousin might be a better descriptive) of SPECTRE. Not to be confused with Phil Spector, who was far more sinister.
Three blind mice
Due to new equality in the workplace regulations Dr.No had no choice but to hire three blind guys as assassins. They start off quite well, killing a British Secret Service representative and his secretary. Later on they chase Bond in a car and go off a cliff to their doom. What did Dr. No expect? They wereing blind!
Professor Dent
Dr.No really had to try harder than sending a Geology Professor to be his henchman. Was he short of money or something? Prof. Dent tried killing 007 by putting a spider in his bed (though knowing Dr. No's cost-cutting measures it probably had four legs and one fang or something). When that inevitably failed the Professor went for the more conventionable method of putting a cap in Bond as he slept. Naturally he shot at a few pillows and Bond then killed him with the line "That's a Smith and Wesson and you've had your six,". I guess Dent's doctorate didn't cover basic numeracy.
From Russia with Love
Rosa klebb
Rosa klebb was an evil old witch with the best weapon ever- a poisoned knife shoe! Apparently SMERSH was too liberal for her tastes so she joined SPECTRE as number three and, presumably, a tap-dancing teacher.
Red Grant
Grant was a homicidal-paranoiac maniac who escaped from Dartmoor prison presumably for something more serious than tax evasion. Recruited by SPECTRE to kill Bond, his prefered weapon was a garotte in a wristwatch, which really helped in those queues at the Post Office. Grant gave himself away by ordering a red wine with a fish dish, something his SPECTRE training inexplicable missed out...
Kronsteen
Kronsteen was chess master and Blofeld's number 5. Quite what qualified him other than being good at chess is mystifying, it's like Gary Kasporov being put in charge of the CIA. I guess he wanted a more interesting resume. His career went awry when Blofeld decided he was responsible for the failure to disgrace Bond with compromising footage of him with Tatiana. Lesson- never let a chess geek work on any plan involving attrative women.
Goldfinger
Auric Goldfinger
Probably the most famous Latvian since...er... well ever. Goldfinger liked gold so much he even ate it and covered women in it. He killed Jill Masterson by covering her in gold, presumably after she bought him a Silver Watch for his birthday. Goldfinger wanted to contaminate the Gold in Fort Knox to increase the worth of his own by exploding a dirty bomb. This scenario has been held up as an argument against Ron Paul's return to he Gold Standard ever since. Poor Goldfinger died after being sucked out of an Airplane after foolishly taking off his convincing US Army uniform. He could have kept it one day longer but he was damned if he was paying the $20 surcharge from the costume shop.
Oddjob
Poor Oddjob never quite succeeded as a hat-maker due to his tendency to put razors inside. As a henchmen he helped Goldfinger cheat at Golf and he killed Tilly Masterson by breaking her neck- utterly unaceptable in my opinion; if you can't play Golf fairly don't play at all. Oddjob was a mute, and had he not been his last words would have no doubt been 'I hate electricity'.
Thunderball
Emelio Largo
Largo was Head of SPECTRE's Extortion operations and was a Number 2. Curiously this description can also be applied to my Bank Manager. Largo stole two nukes and threatened to explode them in the US or the UK unless he recieved 100 million pounds, which would depend on where he exploded them. He threatened to explode one in Cardiff Town Centre but the British Government decided it was worth risking the potential £17 worth of damage that would be caused. Largo kept a pool full of sharks for desposing of failed henchmen, enemies, and as an ironic death for over-charging Lawyers.
Fiona Volpe
Fiona was a very naughty girl. Aside from killing a failed henchman, Count Lippe, with a Missile-launching motorbike, she also seduced Bond rather than the cursory other way around. She later died on the Dance-floor as Bond put her in the way of a bullet and sat her down with the immortal line "She's just dead." It took three hours and three seperate chat-up attempts for a bunch of vacationing Italian guys to realise she was actually dead.
Vargas
Vargas was a villain that didn't drink, smoke or make love. His only vice was his tendency to kill people for money, which kinda cancelled out the virtues. Bond killed him with a Spear-gun before quipping 'I think he got the point'- He certainly did, as he bled to death whilst pinned to the tree he no doubt realised 'Why the hell didn't I smoke, drink and screw more?'
You only live twice
Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Donald pleasence)
The first real 'revealed' Blofeld and it revealed the creepy Donald Pleasence. This Blofeld not only survived Bond but a FRIGGIN' NINJA STRIKE FORCE. He would have nailed Bond but he unwisely let him have a cigerette near the hatch controls rather than putting a bullet in his head. He even gets a second chance but wastes time by saying 'Goodbye' in a sinister farewell- well at least his mother taught him manners.
Helga Brant
Helga pretended to join Bond but instead parachuted to safety and left him to die in a diving plane, which is not what Bond meant when he asked her to go down on him. Her failure to kill Bond led Blofeld to drop her into a pool of Piranhas, or as Blofeld called them his 'Ex-Employee Severance package'.
Diamonds are forever
Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd
These memorable charactors were the Queens er.. I mean Kings of camp hitmen, demonstrating yet again SPECTRE's rather liberal employment regulations. Aside from mincing around putting scorpions down people's backs, Wint and Kidd had two chances to kill Bond but instead opted for overly-elaborate out-of-sight attempts that, shockingly, failed. Their last attempt saw Bond use his patented Red Grant-proven Villain tripper-upper the old wine knowledge test. Mouton Rothschild '55 is a Claret?!? SPECTRE needs wine-tasting classes for it's henchmen it really does.
Ernst stavro blofeld (Charles Grey)
Bond kills Blofeld in the pre-title sequence...or does he? It takes more than super-heated mud to kill the world's greatest criminal mastermind thankyou very much. SPECTRE finally gets a decent plan by firing a space-based laser that The Brotherhood of NOD would be proud of. Sadly it all went wrong as soon as they let Bond on board the Oil-rig control centre- Just shoot him!
Bambi and Thumper
Two athletic bodyguards of Willard Whyte, they do a decent job of kicking the living snot out of Bond but apparently their powers reduce to nothing when exposed to water. Evidently SPECTRE can afford to spend money on expensive space-based weaponry but when it comes to swimming lessons the budget won't stretch.
Never say never again
Maximillian Largo(Klaus Maria Brandauer)
The second Largo wanted to blow up the Middle-East's reserves of Oil. Not a bad idea, really, but an easier and cheaper plan would have been to tell the Mullahs oil was crude and, therefore, immoral. They would have destroyed it themselves I'm sure. Largo engaged Bond in a computer game similar to Wargames where an electric shock was inflicted on the loser. Bond won in the end by winning a million-point bonus by nuking France.
Fatima Blush
Bad girl Fatima had Bond on his knees ready for a bullet. Unfortunately she demanded a written testament from Bond that she was his greatest lover, at which point Bond killed her with an exploding pen. Typical women- always dying for a compliment.
Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Max von Sydow)
The third Blofeld played by Max Von Sydow. By this time Blofeld was the managing director of a sinking business. SPECTRE's shares were worthless and the repo men were taking the laserbeam-armed sharks away. Denied his retirement package by his Belgian backers (yes, they were behind the whole thing), Blofeld decided to take a chance organising one last evil scheme but made one fatal mistake- he forgot to watch Thunderball!
So which Bond villain is the best? You only get one vote so choose carefully 007. In event of your capture by SPECTRE, twc will disavow all knowledge of your existence.
James Bond villain threads will return.
Pictures and info from the net. All jokes are copyrighted Markas inc.
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by Captain Jin
