The Official Society of Silly Old Duffers Contest!

[Lance-Corporal Jones]

Hear ye, hear ye!

In its wisdom, the Most Ancient, Puissant and Honourable Society of Silly Old Duffers or S.O.D. for short, has decided to organize a Contest, whereby we may know the cut of a man's gib and ascertain the public's level of dufferism, viz., their aptitude at entering our hallowed halls through duffer-like prowess.

The three winners of the contest, judged by the three Arch Duffers, will be awarded full junior membership to the Society, with all the necessary accoutrements and the rank of Senex Stultus, viz., Silly Old Duffer as the ancient Romans would have it.

The winners will be greeted through the most Honourable ceremony of Gunfire, with Mulled wine served by the Arch Duffers and the Reveille sounded in most solemn fashion.

As a guideline to what constitutes an apt submission, we would have paragraphs of no less than 50 words and no more than 100, in the like fashion:

Oh I say my old crumpet, isn't it ever such a wizz idea that these fine fellows over at the Society set up a contest for this sort of thing, what? Spiffing banner too, I always rather fancied one, you really can tell the cut of a man's gib by his posting in a duffer-like manner, don't you know? More's the pity, I've always fancied being a Silly Old Duffer but never had the chance, me young cock-sparrow!

Chocks away, toodle pip and all that hullabaloo!

Signed:

La-De-Dah Gnr Graham, Oldgamer, Kleber, Arch-Duffers

Rsty Bloodnok, Senex Stultus

Taffy, porter

[M D]

"I must say Jones, it is indeed a most wonderful idea.. Reminds me of the war, back in Zululand the colonel (Spiffing Fellow) organised a contest for us officer chaps... We had to sing one of the dance club's hits. Better than today's young fellow's music with all the hip-hop and all that rubbish. Of course, I won with Dietrich's classic. The thing is Jones is that Ive always fancied myself as indeed an old duffer. What says the society to allowing me to join eh?"

[Lance-Corporal Jones]

"I must say Jones, it is indeed a most wonderful idea.. Reminds me of the war, back in Zululand the colonel (Spiffing Fellow) organised a contest for us officer chaps... We had to sing one of the dance club's hits. Better than today's young fellow's music with all the hip-hop and all that rubbish. Of course, I won with Dietrich's classic. The thing is Jones is that Ive always fancied myself as indeed an old duffer. What says the society to allowing me to join eh?"

I say, spiffing post old sport! -- Graham old chap, what say you? That fellow was in Zululand! -- you weren't with the 43rd rifles by any chance under old walrus-face Chelmsford weren't you? You were? Good show man! I say, don't you remember our regimental song, what?

Oh Lord Chelmsford, he may look very odd,

In spite of what the people say I don't think he's a ...

Well, you remember, don't you? Quite chuffed to meet you my old crumpet!

Taffy -- Taffy -- damn his eyes, where's he got to? Oh well, Taffy will get you a sherry when he comes along. And there'll be a bit of Stilton as well unless Oldgamer's scoffed the lot again.

Taff... ah, there you are! Where the devil were you boy? Behind me? Well stand in front of me, you stupid boy! There! Sherry for the Major, chop chop!

Anyhow, feel free to join the club old fellow, and help yourself to a Senex Stultus banner! (That's how the Romans said Silly old duffer, what what)

[M D]

By Jove, Thankyou most Jones.. The dem Zulus, lost me right arm fighting there. I said to the fellow who took it, "Is that how you treat every Englishmen?"I thought it most witty what what.

"Thankyou Taff, the sherry was fantabulous, must be an 82 what what!"

[Paggers]

Well Corporal, I would like to recount my meeting with Lord and Lady Kitchener for afternoon tea in the Veld. There were copious cucumber sandwiches and g&t by the gallon. I can vaguely remember telling Horatio that he was a right Herbert and he got into a blue funk. Can't remember much more, memory fading, what.
Any chance of being an official duffer, rather than the one I am now?

[M D]

"Lord and Lady Kitchener! I am scheduled to heve tea with them this afternoon. Most wonderful man Lord Kitchen what what!"

[M D]

"Brilliant Lord Graham, did you ever meet the good admiral Hratio Hornblower? Very good man what what.."

[M D]

When I was sent by the Diplomatic service to Marakesh, what what.
I had the pleasure of being captained by Horatio.. Dem good fellow.

[Paggers]

Were you sent there to keep an eye on those Frenchies, what with their foreign legion and silly hats? Definitely not dem fine fellows.

[Lance-Corporal Jones]

Well Corporal, I would like to recount my meeting with Lord and Lady Kitchener for afternoon tea in the Veld. There were copious cucumber sandwiches and g&t by the gallon. I can vaguely remember telling Horatio that he was a right Herbert and he got into a blue funk. Can't remember much more, memory fading, what.
Any chance of being an official duffer, rather than the one I am now?

I say, what a most dufferly conundrum! You find me ahoight when chancing upon such a panopticon of whit! In the nick of time too, don't you know, there's 13 of us now and we need another duffer to break the evil number!

Terrible you see, we've even made Taffy sit with us for dinner, just so there would be 14 of us! And I assure you, the slurping noises Taffy makes, not to mention his wife's hat -- which is abnormally tall -- are most displeasing.

And Lord Kitchener, no less! Why, I was at Ondurman, with them swirling dervishes and the mad madhi what what, they didn't swirl much after we gave them the cold steel though!

Do take a seat old man, join the club and help yourself to your very own Senex Stultus benner! Taffy should be around with the drinks any day now, unless he's gone to see his mother in Fishguard (she also wears a silly hat, don't you know? Fetching woman otherwise, matronly and with big strong legs, and generous bosoms and... *gasp* I'd better stop before I pop me clogs old boy!)

[M D]

Interesting sir as you say the French are 'dem fine fellows' you arent a Crapaud symapthiser I hope...

[M D]

Major takes the stilton
"Demned good stilton Taff. I cant say much of the port though, what what."

[M D]

"So then did me and good old paggers win then?"

[René Artois]

Is this fine looking contest over? I was rather looking forward to some jolly dufferesque banter with you spiffing looking fellows.

[Lance-Corporal Jones]

Oh, this contest is never over, old chap! It is mainly meant as an arena of sorts for aspiring duffers to hone their skills. Banter away, my old crumpet!

[René Artois]

Spiffing! Can't ever beat a bit of pointless of banter, i always say, so i shall banter on like a buffoon! Oh, i do love a good banter, you know, we never got a chance to banter like this in back in the Crimea! In fact, if i remember correctly, the closest i ever got was when we captured an enemy Major, frightfully well spoken chap, a true gentlemen as ever i did see! Studied at Durham dontcha know! Well, bantered long into the night, drinking sherry and nibbling our way through a few wheels of stilton, as you do, in the officers mess. Now let me see, who else was there... well there was Stinker McTavish, the chap i mentioned earlier who was radished, Farty Hodgson, one of my Colonels as well as Lords Aberdeen and Startford. We bantered so long that we forgot to attack the enemies left flank, Queen Viccy was rather upset. At one point she was going to have the entire regiment radished! But a letter from father soon settled that!

Anyway, i digress, and hope you've enjoyed my bantering as much i have writing it!

[M D]

I say! I am Viscount Thame.. I was your CO in that bastardly cold country, what what!

[Paggers]

Always cold, one needs to have had real heat to appreciate it.
Whilst I was out in the Sudan fighting those demmed Fuzzy Wuzzies, I had to attend a party given by Kitchener. Well the Stilton flowed and the wine was cut and Kitchener gave a marvellous speech. He told us to give the natives what for don't you know and he promised us that when it was over we could come to see him and his lady friend Myfanwy. No need to bring a hamper as all the food and drink would be ondurman-d. Oh how we chortled into our sherries. The good old days, what!

[René Artois]

I say! I am Viscount Thame.. I was your CO in that bastardly cold country, what what!

And we gave them a demn good thrashing if i do say so myself!
I say Major, would care to retract you statement on the subject of you naming me as a stalker? Otherwise i shall be forced to call you out! It is a matter of honour that can only be settled by a retraction and apology or a duel, what what!

[Evile]

Stalker you say? Bah! The Nerve of it all! Ah Reginald my dear boy! How have you been lad?