Mordor
The Black Land, the Land of Shadow, the Land where Tourism is Not a Mainstay of the Local Economy.
When you live in a desolate land overshadowed by a volcano, a giant fiery eye and a green-lit Citadel of Doomtm, you can guarantee everyone else is going to assume you are the evil bad guys.
Especially when your boss looks like this:
Societal prejudices aside, the lords of the Black Land had decided that enough was enough: they were going to show the world that it is what's on the inside that counts.
And his second in command looks like this:
And his direct subordinate looks like this:
And one of their up-and-coming, rock-star generals looks like this:
As you can imagine, these fellows were not invited to many parties, did not go on many dates and certainly did not appear on the cover of any magazines (Nazgul Hotties Weekly not withstanding).
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Bright and Sunny Beginnings
2952 TA (huh?)
[center]
[left]Witch-King: "...."
Ji Indur: "...."
Witch-King: "...."Ji Indur: "....what?"
Witch-King: "Why are you dressed like that?"
Ji Indur: "....dressed like what?"
Witch-King: "Like me."
Ji Indur: "Look, you should have said before I left the house."
Witch-King: "How was I supposed to know you'd buy a cheap knock-off of my robe?"
Ji Indur: "We're wearing exactly the same brand!"
Witch-King: "No, you bought the cheapo--"
Ji Indur: "What??"
Witch-King: "Don't look now, but I think we're being watched..."
Ji Indur: [turns]
Witch-King: "I said don't look, fool!"
Ji Indur: "Well I can't help it! Someone says 'don't look!' and you have to see what they are 'don't look!'-ing at!"
Witch-King: "Okay, lets go behind this volcano. That eye is creeping me out."
Eye of Sauron: [looks down in disappointment] "Nobody ever wants to be my friend."
Laglug: "Don't worry, they left without me, too."
Eye of Sauron: "Ah! A fellow outcast who shares my pain! Will you be my friend? "
Laglug: "...No."
Eye of Sauron: "This is because I can see through your clothes, isn't it?"
Laglug: "What? Get away from me, you freak!"
Eye of Sauron: "I didn't mean to say that! Please come back!"
[center]
[left]Witch-King: "Alright! Let's get this show on the road!"
Ji Indur: "After we build some."
Witch-King: "Shut up and give me some faction rankings, !"
Ji Indur: "Okay, but we really should hire an advisor for this sort of thing. I'm terrible at taking minutes."
Witch-King: "Give me the results!"
Ji Indur: "Okay, okay. In a nutshell, we rock, everyone else is a git."
Witch-King: "That's it?"
Ji Indur: "Well...yes. It is only the first turn. We have the best production, although we have yet to actually build anything, and the strongest military--"
Witch-King: "Yes!"
Ji Indur: "--but Gondor are generally better than us and have bigger willies, while Dale has converted to Judaism."
Witch-King: "That's okay, its how you use it that-- er, I mean, that's it, they've besmirched the good name of Mordor for the last time! Summon my armies!"
Ji Indur: "Not to be contrary, but won't that simply perpetuate a negative stereotype? Surely it would be better to enter into a discourse with them as equals?"
Witch-King: [Theatrically puts a hand to where his ear might or might not be] "I'm not hearing any summoning!"
Ji Indur: "Alright, alright, keep your knickers on!"
Witch-King: "Hell no! The knickers come right off! In fact, lets get industrialised! Get building some stuff, clear some land and lets get this place sorted out!"
Ji Indur: "Well, clearing land didn't take long, since all we have is, well, barren land. I have absolutely no idea what you are planning to grow, as the ground is made of black rock and the sky is perpetually overcast, so that no sunlight ever reaches the ground."
Witch-King: "Do I look like a *** farmer to you?"
Meanwhile, somewhere completely different...
Akhorahil, the Blind Sorcerer: "I have absolutely no idea where I am. I cannot see a damn thing from under this robe. You there! What's your name?"
[center]
[left]Gornag: "Gornag. I'm a scout."
Akhorahil: "...I don't know, you look pretty inconspicuous to me. And you only have two eyes."
Gornag: "Er...not a lot I can do about that."
Akhorahil: "I could grow you another one, you know. Right out of the side of your face. I'm a sorcerer, apparently."
Gornag: "Er...hey, isn't that the settlement of Beorn's Hills over there? I think I'll go over there and quietly observe them!"
Akhorahil: "Is it? Excellent! Draw me a red line there so I can find the damn place!"
[center]
[left]
And somewhere else, probably not far out of Mordor...
[center]
Laglug: "Damn Nazgul, leaving without me. I'm going to go and...get myself totally lost."
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:The Epic Awesomeness of Nazgul Conquest Begins (hopefully)
2954 TA
BANG!
Gornag: "Mind your shins."
Akhorahil: "...yes, thank you, you could have told me I was about to bump into Lilliput. ."
Gornag: "Oi! You're wearing the stupid hood, not me!"
Akhorahil: "Right! For that my son, you're getting in there and checking the place out!"
Gornag: "Can't I just stand out here and have a look?"
Akhorahil: "Can you endure a freezing-cold Nazgul foot in the jacksie? Get the in there!"
Gornag: "But I've only got a 52% chance of seeing something in there!"
Akhorahil: [toe-punts]
Akhorahil: "Hmm, what do you know?"
Akhorahil: "I can't help but notice how you failed to open the gates."
Gornag: "Open the gates? I can't believe I'm still alive! Although, I fear I will have to re-evaluate that statement when I next have to use the can..."
Meanwhile, back with in Mordor...
Witch-King: "By all the Dark Gods, how long does it take to muster one freaking army?"
Captain Uvatha the Horseman: "Captain Uvatha the Horseman, reporting for duty, sir!"
Witch-King: [gives a side-long look to Ji Indur]
Ji Indur: [shrugs]
Witch-King: "I have to ask, don't I?"
Ji Indur: "I think so."
Witch-King: "Not withstanding that you are only a captain, and should probably not have an epithet at all...er...'the Horseman'? Are you absolutely certain?"
Captain Uvatha the Horseman: [takes a long look skyward and lets out a long, deep breath] "Positive."
Ji Indur: "Do you see any horses around here?"
Captain Uvatha the Horseman: "Er...you're sitting on a horse."
Witch-King: [looks down] "Oh , he's right you know."
Ji Indur: "What? I thought this was a fellbeast. You know, I think we've lost this one."
Witch-King: "Yeah, me too. Touche, Uvatha, touche..."
Captain Uvatha the Horseman: "Your orders, sir?"
Witch-King: [to Ji Indur] "Suicide mission? Yeah? Yeah," [to Uvatha the Horseman] "Suicide mission."
Captain Uvatha the Horseman: "What?? Why?!"
Witch-King: "Yours is not to question why, especially when the question might make me sound like a jackass. Now, get!"
Captain Uvatha the Horseman: "Aww, man...what a jackass."
Suddenly!
Mouth of Sauron: "My master, Sauron the Great, bids thee welcome."
Witch-King: "What? You came to us." [turns to Ji Indur and shrugs] "Eh?"
Mouth of Sauron: "Is there any here with the authority to treat with me?"
Ji Indur: "Ah, you're the faction leader, he means you."
Witch-King: "Oh, well, yes indeed, me, actually."
Mouth of Sauron: "Ah ha, old grey beard..."
Witch-King: "Er...what? No, I shave regularly. The ladies hate beards, man. Feel how smooth this is. Go on, it won't be weird."
Mouth of Sauron: "I...I have a token I was bidden to show thee?"
Witch-King: "You do?"
Mouth of Sauron: "Something from a halfling, I think? Is this not ringing any bells with you? I swear I had the whole speech memorised, but as soon as you have to say it, it flies right out of your head, doesn't it?"
Witch-King: "Er, no. But I'm the Witch-King, so I don't forget things like that."
Mouth of Sauron: "Oh, I do apologise. I can't actually see anything, but I have to wear this helmet because it looks cool."
Witch-King: "Only until you walk into something."
Ji Indur: "Yes, a friend of mine has that exact same problem."
Mouth of Sauron: "It does look cool, though."
Witch-King: [reading the note] "...we are absolutely nowhere near Malgalad. Its not even on my map. I can't even spell it, it's such a remote place. Are you some kind of idiot?"
Mouth of Sauron: "Oi! Who answers directly to The Dark Lord of Mordor, here? Exactly."
Witch-King: "Who the do you think I answer to? Mary Poppins? I'm the faction leader, , don't go getting up in my face!"
Ji Indur: "True it is that evil contains the seed of it's own destruction."
Witch-King: "Oh stop being melodramatic. I'm sure it will sort itself out."
Coincidentally...
Laglug: "Civilization, at last!"
Laglug: "By the authority of The Dark Lord of Mordor, surrender your...village."
Laguf: "Never!"
Laglug: "What? Is that you, Laguf?!"
Laguf: "Laglug?"
Laglug: "Laguf! My only brother! How could you be a rebel!"
Laguf: "How could you serve Sauron?? After what he did to our sister?! Our mother will weep when she hears of this!"
Laglug: "I...I am honour-bound to kill you for this betrayal, Laguf! It will tear our whole family apart!"
Lagluf: "Mother will never speak to you again, and she will die alone, of a broken heart!"
Laglug: "Oh woe is me! But how freaking sweet are these orcs in a kick-ass combat montage?"
Captain: "M'lord, they're being lead by the Silver Surfer!"
Laglug: "His secret weapon! That's exactly what Laguf always said he'd do, if ever he were to rebel! Quick - get me Galactus!"
Captain: "How the would he help?!"
Woodsman: "Surfer! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Laglug: "Laguf! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Laglug: "I...I have to take a long, lonely walk...and reflect on the cruelties of life"
Laglug: "...what do you mean?"
Servant of Sauron: "This just isn't your day, is it?"
Back on the western front...
Witch-King: "See? I told you it would sort itself out. Harsh, but fair. Now, my orcish hordes, onwards! Mush!"
Ji Indur: "I really think you're going to have to explain this to me again, as I don't see how brutal conquest is going to teach the world not to judge a book by it's cover."
Witch-King: "Do I look like a ing librarian to you?"
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:Rocking out of Mordor
2955 TA
Witch-King: "Doop-do-wah! Ra-ta-tah!"
Ji Indur: [sighs]
Witch-King: "Bewop-a-doo! Cha-cha-cha!"
Ji Indur: "..."
Witch-King: [shimmies]
Ji Indur: "Stop that!"
Witch-King: "What? Everything's great, man! We've got, like, 4000 of these pretty-cool orcs, the sun is shining, the grass is green, the trees are...also nice. We're well out of Mordor, and we're going to sample the local culture, no doubt ancient and respectable, full of history and majesty with people to match! And we appear to be besieging this huge city!"
Ji Indur: "Wait, Osgiliath? Wasn't there like, a plague here?"
Witch-King: "So?"
Ji Indur: "Well, we have 4000 potential plague victims with us, don't we?"
Witch-King: "I...don't see your point. Don't we grow these guys in vats? Anyway, there are only a couple of units garrisoning the city, so this will be a walk. Relax, guy!"
Ji Indur: "No, I'm not worried about that--"
Witch-King: "Wait! Who are these guys?"
Ji Indur: "Ah, Gondor has arrived."
Witch-King: "Never heard of them."
Ji Indur: "Gondor is a cultured and venerable nation, we should engage in diplomatic relations as soon as--"
Captain Meldir and Gondorian Army: "Oi!!! Wwwwwaaaaannnnnkkkeerrrrrrrrrssssssssss! Who are ya? Who are ya? Who are ya?!"
Witch-King: "My word, is that hooliganism directed at us?"
Ji Indur: "How rude!"
Captain Meldir: "Yer never gettin' in there, ya wannnkkerrrss! Mordor sucks goat balls and Melkor's gay for hobbits!"
Witch-King: [shocked silence]
Ji Indur: [covers his open-mouth with one hand]
Captain Meldir and Gondorian Army: "Gondooorrrr, Gondoorrr, Gondorrrrr! Gondoooooooor, Gondoooor, Gondoooooooooooor!"
Witch-King: "You, sir, are nothing but a rake. A rake and a cad, and I shall see you on the field of honour!"
Captain Meldir: [exposes buttocks]
Meanwhile, Gazbug, the ruggedly handsome Orcish diplomat, tries some diplomacy on the elves...
Elves: "Non. Ou are too...how you say...le ugly? With le hair du merde?"
Also meanwhile, Akhorahil the Blind Sorceror has a brief encounter with the fear of the unknown at Beorn's Halls...
Akhorahil: "Right, this doesn't look good, what do we know about this Captain Eorcanstan?"
Captain: "Erm, well, this is what Gornag saw with his two soft, squidgy eyes..."
Akhorahil: "Unlocalised Placement Text? Unlocalised Placement Text?! I don't know what that is at all! That means they could be anything! Oh by Melkor's sweaty undergarments, these Unlocalised Placement Text supermen will destroy us all! Run for the hills!"
Captain: [slap!] "Sir, please get ahold of yourself! I have this well in hand, as you can see from this montage!"
Akhorahil: "Well done, captain! Remind me to give you an extra eye in your forehead for this day's work!"
And back at Ogsiligath...Osgiliath...that freaking city...!
Ji Indur: "Holy cow! They stomped W. Osgiliath!"
Witch-King: "Oh yeah? How cool was their montage?"
Ji Indur: "...we only get a copy of our own montages, I'm afraid."
Witch-King: "Right!"
Witch-King: "I bet he's looking for a 'surrender' button right now..."
Witch-King: "...and my army is so awesome!"
Ji Indur: "Who the hell are you narrating to? Get on with it, you faffer!"
Rebel dressed in yellow: "Hmm, what are we looking at here - epic siege defence, outnumbered 10-1, lead by a Nazgul and Black Numenoreans...eh, pretty standard affair. As it's such a nice day, I might even take my shirt off."
Rebels: "Listen, if we simply lay down our arms, can we just give up? We don't actually want to fight to the death in the middle of town, if that's okay! In fact, we are looking for strong governance in these troubled times of war, plague and economic downturn, and would willingly accept your rule and be quiet and prosperous citizens of Mordor!"
Witch-King: "Sorry, hardcoded!"
Witch-King: "Eat it, Gondor bastards!"
Ji Indur: "I can't help but notice that they got the port."
Witch-King: "Dammit!"
But back with Akhorahil the Blind Sorceror...
Akhorahil: "Er, why is this red line heading back home?"
Akhorahil: "Ooohhhh..."
Akhorahil: "Don't make me run, I filled up on souffle at the buffet and now I'm feeling a bit wobbly!"
Captain: "And sounding a bit camp."
Akhorahil: "How would you like to spend the rest of your life desperately closing your eyes when you take a dump? Yeah. You think about it. I could grow an eye out of your body anywhere."
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:[center]On Elven Archery and Corpse Flinging: A Treatise
[left]Celephinmen: "Surprise!"
Uvatha the Horseman: "Er...no, it's not. I saw you coming. We all did, in fact."
Celephinmen: "Silence, you vile orc! Have you not noticed quite how dashing I am? Are you not melting under my sexy, smoldering look? By the gods! I should not even bless you with the heavenly vision that is my earthly countenance!"
Uvatha the Horseman: "Shall I leave then?"
Celephinmen: "Best you do, beast of burden!"
One brief siege of Henneth Annun and quick levies from the local towns loyal to the Evil Guys later...
Uvatha the Horseman: "Hur hur hur! Ponce."
Meanwhile, narcissistic Gondorian arse-bandits weren't the only ones who had been cornered...
[left]Akhorahil: "Bonjour monsieur! Je mappel Evil Divine Vengeance!"
Captain Lithonion: "Merde."
Akhorahil: "Oui oui, Merde indeed."
Captain Lithonion: "Zis will be le most glorious charge, mon aimes! Le elves are le bravest nation in le world, non?"
Sentinals of the Woodland Realms: "Oui-oui, capitan, oui-oui!"
Silvan Army: "Le charrrrge!"
Silvan Army: "Le retreeeat!"
Captain Lithonion: "Sacrebleu! Our bows, they are le useless!"
Akhorahil: "Mwahahaha! You fools have fallen right into my trap by existing!"
Captain Lithonion: "Mon dieu! Our greatest mistake!"
Captain Lithonion: "Le retreat! Back to le wardrobe!"
Akhorahil: "Even running to another dimension won't save the last thirty-one of you routers!"
Akhorahil: "Hmm, what do you know? I guess it will."
But back in E. Osgiliath (can I just say 'East Osgiliath'? That's what it stands for, right, and not some kind of gay Tolkien word, like his own made-up surname? Screw it, I'm gonna do it, and it will be great), something more serious was happening...!
Witch-King: "Ugh, I'm such an idiot!"
Ji Indur: "Seconded."
Witch-King: "I completely forgot about the One Ring!"
Ji Indur: "I thought you didn't forget anything?"
Witch-King: "I forgot I never forget."
Ji Indur: "Did you forget that you are an idiot?"
Witch-King: "No, I remember-- wait a minute! Who's the Witch-King here?"
Ji Indur: "Well, can you work out who's the idiot here? I think you'll find they match."
Witch-King: "Maybe, what's the date today?"
Ji Indur: "How does that matter?"
Witch-King: "Is it the second?"
Ji Indur: "No, its the twenty-fifth, idiot."
Witch-King: "What, its the thousandth anniversary of when Sauron chose me to be the Witch-King and not you? Oooh, burn!"
Ji Indur: "Jackass! I'm leaving, and I'm taking, like, half of these pretty-cool orc guys with me!"
Witch-King: "Oh come on, man! Don't be like that! It's just a joke! Get over it!"
Ji Indur: "**** you!"
Witch-King: "Ha ha ha... a thousand freaking years and it still doesn't get old."
Gondorian Army: "We are the champions! Oi-oi-oi-oi! We are the champions! Oi-oi-oi-oi!"
Witch-King: "Oh f-f-s..."
Gondorian Army: "Gondoooor, Gondor! Gondooooooor, Gondor!"
Witch-King: "Hey! Ji Indur! Would you like to come back and talk about this like gentlemen?"
Ji Indur: "Sorry, I can't hear you above the massive Gondorian horde that is amassing around E. Osiligath (I choked!) right now!"
Witch-King: "Alright, my loyal orcs, its up to us. You!"
Orc: "Me?"
Witch-King: "Yes, you! Get flinging plague-ridden corpses over the battlements, to spread disease amongst the enemy ranks!"
Orc: "Er, I think the plague was, like, a very long time ago? There aren't any plague-ridden corpses around..."
Witch-King: [squelch]
Witch-King: "You!" [points to another, living, orc] "Fling this plague-ridden corpse over the battlements!"
A Different Orc: "Er, I don't think this corpse actually has the plague.
Witch-King: [puts hand theatrically to his ear] "I don't hear any flinging!"
A Different Orc: "Er..."
Witch-King: "Listen, chop-chop, get on with it, we've got a busy day of corpse-flinging ahead of us if we want to break this siege. We'll bury that damn Gondorian army alive if we have to!"
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:The Quest for Glory, Part 1
At Emyn Arnen...
Ji Indur: "Rebels! Come out and be brutally kicked in the groin to death, or surrender your arms, and you shall not be harmed!"
Rebels captain: "Okay, we surrender!"
Ji Indur: "Well, I wasn't prepared for that."
Orc: "Do we kill them all now, lord?"
Ji Indur: [sighs] "...no. We'll have to look for epic conquest elsewhere."
Ji Indur: "Parth Galen, the end draweth nigh!"
Orc: "...who are you talking to, sir?"
Ji Indur: "You. I'm talking to you."
Orc: "You're tough-talking Parth Galen to me?"
Ji Indur: "What? Shut up, I'm on the phone to the Witch-King. He's totally jealous. No, no I was talking to an orc. I don't know, some freaking orc, what do you want from me? Hey, orc!"
Orc: "Me?"
Ji Indur: "Yeah, you. No, not you, hang on you idiot. Orc, he wants to know: what is your profession?"
Orc: "Lapdancer."
Ji Indur: "...that totally ruined your 300 joke."
Orc: "Is that a problem, sir?"
Ji Indur: "...did you hear that? Yeah? Yeah. What?! No, I'm not going to order him to demonstrate! Anyway, don't you have a siege to worry about?"
Orc: "Sir, I have news! Gondor is erecting a statue of Isildur in W. Osgiliath!
Witch-King: "Er, actually, no. I didn't even notice them leave..."
Witch-King: [muffled laughter] "Yeah. Yeah, he just said it. That's right, 'Gondor is erecting'. Hang on. Minion! A statue of who?"
Orc: "Isildur!"
Witch-King: "Er...so what, like, an equestrian statue?"
Orc: "...er, no sir!"
Witch-King: "What then? Out with it, man! This is my credit you're wasting!"
Orc: "Er...a statue of Isildur... bent over... with his bare arse pointing directly at Mordor, sir!"
Witch-King: "Those advanced bastards! I was going to build a 'Moon over Osgiliath' statue! Quick, someone fetch me a plaster cast of Sauron's butt!"
W. Osgiliath: [chants] "Gondoor, Gondoor, Gondooooor!"
Witch-King: "Shut up, you Gondorian bastards, I'm on the phone! Hello? Hello? Dammit, my freaking credit!"
Ji Indur: "Parth Galen, lay down your weapons or I will kick this ****ing gate down and come and get them!"
Captain Waqqas: "May we join you in this glorious conquest, noble ally?
Ji Indur: "..."
Captain Waqqas: "..."
Ji Indur: "...no."
Parth Galen Rebels: "Okay! We surrender!"
Ji Indur: "Dammit!"
Ji Indur: "Okay, fine! I admit it, there is no glorious conquest to be had in the middle of the ****ing desert!"
Orc: "Actually, sir, we have easily captured more territory in this one expedition than in the entire campaign."
Ji Indur: "That maybe, but do you know what kind of glorious ass-kickery is going on in the north?"
Orc: "Er, no."
Ji Indur: "Exactly, that's because you are a mass-produced orc, and I am a nazgul. This goes waaaaay beyond institutionalised racism. Now shut up before I am forced to despose of you with a single, soft-looking karate-chop."
Orc: "But I'm not just some nameless henchman! I have a name tag, sir!"
Ji Indur: [reads] "It just says 'Orc'."
Orc: "I was named after the first thing my father saw the moment after my mother gave birth, sir."
Meanwhile, up in the north...
Uvatha the Horseman: "Alright, Uvatha, this is your moment to shine!"
Celephinmen: "Silence, you monotonous fiend! My steamy gaze and boy-band haircut will be the last thing you ever see!"
Uvatha the Horseman: "I'd rather have got the hooligans over this pansy."
Celephinmen: "Prepare to cross blades!"
Uvatha the Horseman: "Not while I still have my strength!"
Uvatha the Horseman: "Fountain Guard? Holy freaking ****! I've only got crappy orcs...no offence meant, lads. I don't know what fountain they're guarding, but it must be, like, chocolate or something."
Uvatha the Horseman: "What?! Average?? That was ****ing epic, man! Oh, fine, fine, at least I can sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labours, by governing this quiet town that I conquered."
Uvatha the Horseman: "Weak."
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:The Quest for Glory, Part 2
2957 TA
Witch-King: [salutes] "Farewell, Urethra the Horseman, you king amongst goblins, ye salt of Middle-Earth, you...you... your sacrifice for the greater glory of Mordor will not be forgotten!"
Orc: "We could go and save him, sir."
Witch-King: "Eh...I've already done the salute. You saw it. And I gave a heart-wrenching soliloquy. I can't go back on a tribute like that. Uhura the Shortman would have wanted it this way."
But, Mon dieu! Le Elves du Silvan have plans for Akhorahil, le Blind Sorcerer...!
Captain Rinion: "Bonjour. Le combat du le death?"
Akhorahil: "Er...le non."
Captain Rinion: "Oh." [looks down, despondantly]
Akhorahil: "Out of movement points?"
Captain Rinion: "Oui."
Akhorahil: "He he he. You wouldn't believe how many times that has saved me. Hard-codes, eh? What can you do?"
Oh I'm a wanderer, yeah a wanderer...
Witch-King: "Okay, this all looks pretty secure, time to get a wiggle on back home, and get some retraining done!"
Witch-King: [shuffle-shuffle-shuffle-shuffle-shuffle-brrring-brring! Brrring-brring!]
Witch-King: "Hello?"
Ji Indur: "Hallo. Guess what you're missing out on!"
Witch-King: "...epic conquest?"
Ji Indur: "That's right!"
Witch-King: "F&^%!"
Witch-King: [shuffle-shuffle-shuffle-shuffle-shuffle]
Epic-ness indeeeeed, because back at Osgiliath:
Ji Indur: [hangs up] "Hur hur hur. I bet that chubby bastard is shuffling his way back here just as fast as he can. Okaaay, what are we looking at here...about 10,000 men, all told, with me defending a bridge from both directions and Gazlun in support. My army consists of, and I say this with love, first-level chumps. I think I can do something with this..."
Orc: "Are..are you talking to me, sir?"
Ji Indur: "Yes, yes I am. Do you think I'm dictating to myself?"
Orc: "I-I can't read or write, sir!"
Ji Indur: [squelch] "...okay, 9,999 men, all told...you, orc! Are you getting all this down?"
Another Orc: "Er, yessir! Every word!"
Ji Indur: "Ah, midwinter! The perfect season for campaigning! My men's morale will surely be at it's zenith, because it's nearly Christmas!"
Ji Indur: "This battlefield GPS was worth every copper piece! Ho-kay, let's see..."
Ji Indur: "Flaming arrows..."
Ji Indur: "...masses of orcs..."
Ji Indur: "...a second line to protect the flank..."
Ji Indur: "...and all I need to do is charge these dudes in the back! Booga-booga-booga!"
Gondor Militia: "Oh f--!"
Ji Indur: "Well done, Gazlun! Santa Claus might just leave you a little extra something in your stocking this year!"
Gazlun: "Yaay!"
Eye of Sauron: [looks down in disappointment] "I never get a stocking..."
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Gondorian Ass Stomping!
2959 TA
Ji Indur: "Take it, Gondor! What are you saying to that, eh? Eh?!"
Gondorian Army, from the walls: "Wankeerrrrrs!"
Ji Indur: "Yeah, yeah! You chat your mouths, we'll see who storms the place before the Witch-King gets here!"
Witch-King: [shuffle-shuffle-huff-puff-shuffle-shuffle] "Holy...cow ...this...forced ...march...business ...is...giving...me ...a...stitch... must...stop... narrating...journey..."
Witch-King: "Made it! In your face, Indur! This is my siege now, I claim seniority!"
Ji Indur: "Dammit!"
Witch-King: "Mwahahahaha!"
Ji Indur: "Shut up. Just don't make a cock-ear of it, like normal."
Witch-King: "Do you see all these goddamned stars, or what? These louts are going the down!"
Witch-King: "That's what you get when you drink during the day, jerks!"
Ji Indur: "Are you trying to wake them, you idiot?!"
Witch-King: "Oh yeah. Okay, attack!"
Witch-King: "...."
Ji Indur: "What?"
Witch-King: "...I thought I told you to go home and change!"
Ji Indur: "And I thought I told you not to sit so close to me!"
Witch-King: "We'll have to agree to compromise, then."
Ji Indur: "Take your hand off my leg, and I'll change."
Witch-King: "Bikini?"
Ji Indur: "..."
Witch-King: "..."
Ji Indur: "NO BIKINI, YOU FREAK!"
Witch-King: "Go my vast horde of sweaty, masculine, testosterone-fueled orc playboys! Roughly man-handle those cheeky Gondorian teases!"
Ji Indur: "God, why do you get so freaking weird on campaign?!"
Gondor Archer: "'Ere, y' don't think they'll do anything queer, do yer? I swear one of those bastards is wearin' a bikini..."
Gondor Militia #1: "No. Shut yer face."
Gondor Militia #2: "Strangely, whatever is behind me is far more important to look at than this massive orc host. Oh my!"
Witch-King: "Piss flaps! What happened to the big exploding orcs who valiantly sacrificed themselves for the greater glory of me?"
Ji Indur: "At least it worked. And can I put my robe back on now? It's very chilly, you know."
Witch-King: "With shrivilege like that, I'd start making excuses too."
Ji Indur: "Shut up!"
Ji Indur: "Shouldn't they, like, be putting up some kind of resistance?"
Witch-King: "Never mind! Onwards my heroic and manly orcs! Pierce their soft, gooey centers!"
Ji Indur: "Dude!"
Witch-King: "What? I mean their inner parts! With their swords!"
Ji Indur: "STFU!"
Witch-King: "So, this is the center of W. Osgiliath, eh? Shod-dy, if you ask me."
Witch-King: "Okay, so we're in the city center..."
Witch-King: "...and so is the army...so where the is Gondor?"
Ji Indur: "We really did catch them by surprise."
Witch-King: "Ohhh, right, the chumps we left on the walls, of course..."
Ji Indur: "Shows what Gondor knows about anything. Idiots."
Witch-King: "They put up a good scrap though."
Ji Indur: "...no, you're just a crap general."
Witch-King: "Silence! And now, my precious orcish lovetoys, to plundering!"
Gondorian Diplomat: " off, ya tosspot. Yer wanna get yerself some propa bling, like dis royal purple, innit bruv? Dis thing cost me a mint and is peng, innit? Yer red coat looks like a ponce, ya wankeerrr."
Mordor Diplomat: [looks sad]