Proctorate screwed me man

[Heinz Guderian]

I am playing as the Ottomans and its about turn 25 to 30. I started off at war with Russia, but after wtf-omfg-ruining a Putin stack outside of Crimea i offered them peace and they accepted. Then little Georgia attacked, and after my men stopped lolling, they had to be eliminated, didnt want to, had to. Then freakin Persia attacks.


They show the skulls of kings on a chain to me AND they insult my Queen. So i enjoyed putting them in the ground. Then Chechnya, feeling left out, attacks. I sigh, before moving now well experienced units north to the Caucasus to lay down the law cos I AM THE LAW. YOU HAVE BEEN JUDGED.


Anyway, these dusty foreigners fight well around the mountains of Grozny. Constantly delaying and harassing me. I finally get to their capital. The road to Dagestan is littered with dead Turks. So i think, i'm gonna offer these guys to become a protectorate instead of killing then raping then eating them. They will come in handy as a buffer against Putin.

They fought well, they share the same moon-god religion, and they could help me if we decide to decide to brand a crescent on Putin's arse. It was a win win situation. I offer them two provinces to make them strong like Turkish bull. They accept. We all drink and be merry and make love to each other in the traditional Turko-Greek way.

Everything was awesome about my plan except for one tiny flaw: it was complete bollocks.

After i concluded a peace/protectorate treaty with the Chechens, and with a very sore bottom, i notice the Morrocans had attacked my pirate homies of the Barbary State. We are allies you see, and allies help their allies.I got a message from the barbaries telling me "a couple of Berbers who were up to no good, starting making trouble in my nieghbourhood, i got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said "you are moving to your aunties and uncles in Rumelia". This troubling news made me want to send a strongly worded letter to the Morrocans asking them to stop. By "letter" i mean a boat load of sweaty swarthy Turks. And by "stop" i mean "die in a yachting accident".


I send a shipload of badasses to North Africa. These guys have spread their badassery all over asia, time for Africans to experience the feeling of Turkish balls ripping thorough their flesh. As soon as these boys land in Tunis all happy and talking bout how badass they are, the Chechens, -heads that they are, decide to attack me. I felt betrayed. I havent felt this way since Fiona and I split up.

They were protectorates. Surely they couldnt attack me just like that? Our relations weren't great after our little war, perhaps i should have given them money or gold chains? I thought protectorates meant they were going to be my little female dogs and help a brother out? They were my protctorate for like 3 turns. Help me out.

[Roest]

Can't trust them moon god lovers.

[Illidan]

so the muslims worship moon there in your country?!

[Kuklish]

One word hurrying Heinz, Blitzkrieg.....

[Gangwe]

They didn't want to be a dhimmi, they wanted others to be their dhimmi.

[boerekovic]

Awesome, really awesome! This pretty much shows what i experienced in my campaign. Just roll over those small ass factions, they make good profit as many small factions have a school in their territory.
Also Russia accepted peace fast when i took a single province.
It stayed peace for about 50 Years.
Maybe its time for an AAR...:hmmm:

[Magno]

Take the tiny nations quickly or they will be trouble. EX. Playing as the Marathas I conquered all of the Mughals thining my army but the Myrosians have to full stacks at my border which in 5 turns time take the tip of the peninsula from me, shoulda offed them early on.

[Arksa]

Courland's a pain in the ass. No matter what nation I play in Europe they will always get to me.

As Poland-Lithuania, Courland was my protecorate and then they just declared war...

[TeutonicKnight]

The problem with nailing a minor faction is just how many friends they end up bringing to the fight.

[Lone rider]

As Spain I have had a pain in the ass, with New Spain. They have declared war against all in America, Luisana, Britain, 13 col, the duch and all the indian. The war has also raged in Europe with their allies and its pretty hard. It have taken me 20 years just to get a stable income, after I offer money for a truce. However it have been a funn campgain and a hard one to, still fighting the low income etc. Luckely I have united New Spain and Spain as one so they wont declare war. However with so little troops some citys have revolted and spawned some factions ;;

[Ishoss]

That's one epic post, Heinz mein guter mann! I'd rep you if I could, sadly I have to spread some around.

[Jayzilla]

Courland's a pain in the ass. No matter what nation I play in Europe they will always get to me.

As Poland-Lithuania, Courland was my protecorate and then they just declared war...

same here. it was a good excuse to take their land and women-folk.


but srsly, i think protectorates are broken. the only one i've had that hasn't declared war is Saxony, and I think that's because they don't have border-border contact with my lands.

[MyOwnSling]

rofl awesome. Not sure about the protectorate thing, but I agree with others. I had a fun time with the small native factions at first in NA (Iroquois and Cherokee). Granted, I declared war first, but after that it was large stack after large stack. So, I took the small number of regions they had and avoided some of the stacks they had in the process (actually worked in my faver because they took florida from spain so I didn't have to).

[white-wolf]

Those mountanier Chechens do not know the meaning of brotherly love....

Heinz, what does mean Turco-Greek style of love? huh. All of them in my game will be my harem slaves; either like prety girls or Akh-aghas..... Maybe I could recruit some unruly mountainers and sent them to harass prety blonde slav girls of Putin.

[Region]

I had the Italian States as a protectorate and they stabbed me in the back; twisted the knife for good measure. I tried to keep them happy with gifts, but in the end it costs more to appease them than if I just took their territory in the first place. The irony of me being nice enough to actually try to keep them happy when they're suppose to be a protectorate of my nation... and they still betray you.

Protectorates never seem to function right for me in the previous TW games and it sucks to see it again.

[Heinz Guderian]

so the muslims worship moon there in your country?!

i was kidding. i am a moon god worshipper myself

Those mountanier Chechens do not know the meaning of brotherly love....

Heinz, what does mean Turco-Greek style of love? huh. All of them in my game will be my harem slaves; either like prety girls or Akh-aghas..... Maybe I could recruit some unruly mountainers and sent them to harass prety blonde slav girls of Putin.

The love between a man and a woman cannot transcend the love between two men who have shared a battlefield. Plato said that. Pretty sure he was a gay. Putin is still quiet. The Russians havent even approached my border.

Edit: just noticed i spelt protectorate like a retard. sorry bout that.

Update: the war in Dagestan has dragged on to its fourth year. More young Turkish, Greek, Bosnian and Serbian men have died in the foothills around Grozny. I have noticed people in Istanbul substituting the word "graveyard" for Dagestan. They lay ambushes for us. They lie in wait, primed to descend from the mountains and forests to crash into my men. Morale is low. The war does not go well.

All i want is for the Chechens to be my buffer to the north, to keep watch over Putin. I'm gonna try to take all of their cities but one and offer them protectorate status again. This time i will shower them with money and man love only a middle class British man knows how.

[Nuxes]

Playing as the British I had the 13 Colonies declare war on me, even though our relations were at the highest level. And this was only 1720.

[Heinz Guderian]

Playing as the British I had the 13 Colonies declare war on me, even though our relations were at the highest level. And this was only 1720.

how the hell do i keep them loyal then?

[carlisimo]

That's odd. Protectorates should only be allowed to go to war with you if there's a revolt in their home province - the emergent faction would then cancel the treaty and attack you.

[cloud88]

I'm great britain, and have been best buds with the thirteen colonies for 76 years now (France kick ass in my campaign so i don't want to take New France just yet). and ten years ago i went on a protectorate mission (a mission to get protectorates, because i thought that it would make me look awesome!). NO.
the italian states SUCK. Genoa SUCKS. Mysore SUCKED (I got bored of them sucking and slayed them!). and the thirteen colonies are starting to get a bit too big for their shoes. (a couple years later than in real life).
I've come to the conclusion that protectorates are rubbish, and they must die.