Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, now that RSII is here)

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

and now something else................

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

[King Nud]

um......one penny IS worth TWO CENTS......HA!!

The rest were class, i did sing the alphabet and twinkle twinkle.....hehe!

[MarcusTullius]

The Pope was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off-shore. A helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.

As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Welsh, Irish and Scottish rugby jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the hapless English fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatred between the Celts and England rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies: "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"


*****

Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso, and George W. Bush arrive at the Pearly Gates and introduce themselves.
St. Peter says, "You'll have to prove to me that's who you are."
Einstein takes a piece of paper, writes E=MC squared, and then starts writing the formulas that lead him to it.
St. Peter says, "I believe you, come on in."
Picasso takes out a pencil and paper and starts to draw.
St. Peter says, "I believe, you come on in."
George W. Bush says to St. Peter, "Who were those guys?"
St. Peter says, "Come on in, George."

[King Nud]

I Heard a variation a few days ago, no point in posting!

[Roger_The_Rogue]

Please note that the fourth spoiler contain a bit of racist joke.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

On his honeymoon, a very thick South African Boer farmer, Piet Kruger, insisted on having a room with a balcony overlooking the sea.

On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie. "Ag Hendrik, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time" she said coyly.

"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.

So Marie sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Hendrik once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Marie grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep.

In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.

"Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked.

"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life - and I didn't want to miss a moment of it."

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? !
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some choco late.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

12 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provi! de Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Plainly; Men Suck
11. Pack My Stuff
And my favourite one
12. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning!

And remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings.

Here have some chocolate.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say's hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "do you know me?"

To which she replies "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?".

She said "no, I'm your sons math teacher."

A change of schools perhaps

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Two Pakistani illegal immigrants sneak in to the country. They say to each other that they should learn to be 'British' as soon as possible to avoid detection and deportation. They agree to meet again in 12 months time to see how 'British' they have become.

When they meet again, the first one says, "I wear jeans and football shirts, I am a regular attender at Blackburn Rovers, I drink Worthington bitter in the local pub where I play darts, and attend English classes at night school - how about you?"

The second one says " off you bastard."

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

"Hungry?"

At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.

"Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside the lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror on their faces and hung his own head in shame.

"You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

[ISA Gunner]

I liked your 5th one Roger. Obesity - the curse of the modern world.
But can i have some chocolate anyway?

[King Nud]

If you're English and you can't take a joke, don't read:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

• Scotland Home Shirt: £35
• Single Ticket: £25
• Flights to Follow them anywhere: £100
• Watching Croatia Stuff England at Wembley: PRICELESS :-D

[xFingonx]

Chuck Norris counted to infinity.twice.

Chuck norris isnt lactose intolerant. He doesn't put up with lactose's crap.

There is no signs of life on mars because Chuck Norris has already been there.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors


Edit your post instead of posting a new!
Maxim Victor

[King Nud]

• If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
• There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
• Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
• Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
• Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
• Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
• Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

TV: $100
House: $100,000
Car: $50,000
For everything else there's Chuck Norris

[Redolegna]

Ok, apart from the Chuck Norris facts that are always fun to read, I want to know in what country you live to get those weird prices.

[xFingonx]

Chuck Norris can win a game of connect four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
When chuck norris does division there no remainders.

lol just had to

[ISA Gunner]

Ok, apart from the Chuck Norris facts that are always fun to read, I want to know in what country you live to get those weird prices.

In Australia semi-luxury car would cost 50,000 Australian dollars. A really cheap, box television could be bought for 100 and a small house in the outer suburbs could be bought for 100,000.

[King Nud]

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that beats a Royal Flush.


There just too good to not post!

[Nikos]

Whats a dog's favorite part of a tree?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The "Bark"!

[ISA Gunner]

Whats a dog's favorite part of a tree?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The "Bark"!

......even worst than my one-liners on the first or second page. Not cool.

[Nikos]

......even worst than my one-liners on the first or second page. Not cool.

It's funny because it's so bad! Here is another,

Q. Why did the blond stare at the OJ carton?

A.Because it said "concentrate"

[Tom_Vou]

god I hate chuck norris jokes...

Also, from going through this thread i have come to the conclusion that the wait for RS II makes for people posting incredibly lame jokes...

PLEASE LET THEM FINISH RS II SOON!!!

[Roger_The_Rogue]

Those are bit naughty jokes. Enjoy.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

An elderly man turns to his wife and asks if she’s ever cheated on him. “I love you,” she says, “but I must confess. I’ve been unfaithful to you three times.” “What?” yells the man. “When?”

“The first time was when we were denied a mortgage,” she explains. “I went to see the banker, and I persuaded him to give us the loan.” “The second time you were ill and we had no insurance to cover the medical bills,” she says. “I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free.” “And what about the third time?” the husband demands.

“Remember when you ran for mayor,” the wife begins, “and you were behind by 300 votes?”

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A guy has a few drinks at a bar, then heads to the rest room. While he’s doing his business, a very short man takes the urinal next to him and whips out a 10-inch johnson.
“I’m sorry for staring,” says the guy, “but you’re huge.”
“That’s because I’m a leprechaun,” says the short man. “All leprechauns are well-endowed.”
“I’d do anything to have a penis that size,” sighs the guy.
“It just so happens that I can grant wishes,” says the leprechaun. “If you let me have sex with you in the bathroom stall, I’ll give you a bigger penis.”
The man thinks it over and decides he wants a giant schlong. As they’re going at it, the man cries out, “I can’t believe I’m letting a leprechaun screw me!”
“I can’t believe that you believe I’m a leprechaun!”

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A lady places a personal ad in the paper that reads, “Looking for a man who won’t beat me, won’t run out on me, and is good in bed.”
Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs.
“I’m here in response to your personal ad,” he says. “I don’t have arms, so I can’t beat you. And I don’t have legs, so I can’t run out on you.”
“But I need a good lover too,” she replies.
“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A pregnant brunette, redhead, and blonde were all in the waiting room of an OBGYN's office, discussing whether they thought they were going to have a boy or girl.
“I know I’m having a boy because my husband was on top of me when we conceived our child,” says the brunette.
The redhead says,”I know we’re having a girl because I was on top of my husband when we conceived.” The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The brunette and redhead manage to get her to calm down enough to ask what the problem is.
“I’m having puppies,” cries the blonde.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, “Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!”
The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, “Aren’t you going to do anything!?”
The husband replies, “First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I’m not going to mess with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!”

[jorgeonfire]

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
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Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
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A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
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A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
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A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
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"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
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When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!
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Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
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Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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rep me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Maximus Macro]

well the only funny thing here is that everybody rather tells bad jokes than aply for betatesting so you can actually play the game already and help getting it out earlier