Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, now that RSII is here)

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

i think you will find it was the italian tanks that had 7 gears, 1 forward and 6 reverse.

[DCLXVI]

That sounds more probable, but they should have 2 forwards gears...

1 for when/if the enemies strikes from the rear...
2 since the first one will break

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

lol

[ISA Gunner]

True but im not talking about them being cowardly. I meant they ALWAYS lose and are forced to retreat...

[Ian Altano]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

[ISA Gunner]

Nice one Ian

[Ian Altano]

Sure, blond jokes are usually boring, but this one is great.

[Brusilov]

Sure, blond jokes are usually boring, but this one is great.

If you follow the link you will find that the joke has been removed.

[Ian Altano]

Oh fiddlesticks.. joke failed..

If you click the link, it takes you to a page with a link to the joke and so on.. it's supposed to keep show ing links to 'a great blonde joke', but there is no joke!

[ISA Gunner]

Fantastic. Fooled me into following the links 4 times...

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

.man goes to the doctor, but is reluctant to discuss his problem, until the doctor promises not to laugh...
..the Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'



'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing thetiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.It

couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.



Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then

fell laughingto the floor Ten minutes later he was able to

struggle to his feet and regain his composure.



'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know

what came overme. On my honor as a doctor and a



gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what

seems to be the problem?'



'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

[ISA Gunner]

.man goes to the doctor, but is reluctant to discuss his problem, until the doctor promises not to laugh...
..the Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'



'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing thetiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.It

couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.



Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then

fell laughingto the floor Ten minutes later he was able to

struggle to his feet and regain his composure.



'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know

what came overme. On my honor as a doctor and a



gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what

seems to be the problem?'



'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

ROFLMFAO. Took me 15 mins to compose myself - i still have tears in my eyes.

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

yeah , it had a similar effect on me the first time i read it.

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

ONE TO REMEMBER

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas
Party. He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is
it?
Thursday.. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding
headache,
his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night..

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a
couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to
them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly
abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the
window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine,
and,
squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye.
This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it
note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with
little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is
in
the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning.
There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye
doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was
sitting at the table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order,
aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting
for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she
tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me
alone you slapper, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

[ISA Gunner]

ONE TO REMEMBER

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas
Party. He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is
it?
Thursday.. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding
headache,
his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night..

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a
couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to
them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly
abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the
window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine,
and,
squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye.
This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it
note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with
little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is
in
the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning.
There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye
doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was
sitting at the table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order,
aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting
for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she
tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me
alone you slapper, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

Giving us the right joke, at the time......+rep

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

and now for something completely different...........

a story about a builder who got into a spot of bother, and then tried to claim compensation.

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
news letter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation
Board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a
Darwin Award for sure

Dear S i r ,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the
causeof my accident.
You asked for a fuIIer explanation and I trust the
following details be sufficient .

I am a bricklayer by trade.
On the day of t.he accident., I was working alone on the roof of a new
six story building.
When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks Left over
which, when weighed later were found to be slightty in excess of
500- Lbs .
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in
a barrel by using a puIley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.
Securlng the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 I b s .

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I

proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained
the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
Listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightIy, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the puIley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom feII out of the barreL. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks (that barrel weighed approximately 50 1bs)
I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building.
In the vicinity of the third fIoor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunate]y onlv three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,
in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind
and Iet go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

[Mediteran]

ah i've heard the dubliners do this one

[Lupus]

http://www.offroadexpress.co.nz/node/556

http://www.offroadexpress.co.nz/node/422

http://www.offroadexpress.co.nz/node/407

[Roger_The_Rogue]

Wife, writing in her diary:

Dear Diary,

Day 1

We just celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.

Day 4

I'm hoping for a miracle. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac Pills with the Viagra Pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5

What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6

Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his new found MANHOOD.

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his "new" friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.


Day 9

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. What am I going to do?

Day 11

I'm basically being screwed to death here. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning pinned to the bed. He's a complete PIG.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a Nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!

Day 15

I think I'll have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more.

Day 16

The bastard has started to complain about not getting enough. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...! Here he comes again!

Day 18

Aaaahhhh! He's back on Prozac. The lazy bastard just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss

[ISA Gunner]

Nice one Roger but whatever happened to your 5 daily jokes


Oh have you guys heard about the latest addition to the Irish airforce?

They have just purchased 7 brand new, French built helicopters. They're actually very similar to the original American Black Hawk design but the Irish got the French to upgrade them with ejector seats. Sorry Great Britan but your really in for it now.