Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, now that RSII is here)

[ISA Gunner]

''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''

Fantastic Roger!

[Roger_The_Rogue]

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.' '

Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right. '

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?'

''A Harley Davidson.''

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:



BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

[Roger_The_Rogue]

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked,

"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did
you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the



Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[Roger_The_Rogue]

This is bit rude. ^^

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

There man named Jose that worked in the fields of a rural country cutting down trees, and every afternoon his wife Maria used to bring him his lunch. Well one afternoon Jose got horny and started ing the out of Maria, as they were doing it a bee flew by and stung her right next to her nipple. Days went by and the swelling wouldn't go away, so Jose took her to the doctor's.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The doctor took a look at it and said "Well we're going to have to get the pus out in order for her breast to heal, and the best way to do that is to suck it out."

Jose looked at the doctor and said "Isn't there another way?"

The doctor said "Nope, the old-fashion way is the best way for this."

So of course he believed the doctor and went along with it, so the doctor went off on Maria's tit, I mean he sucked the out of it, he had her moaning and everything. A week later Jose while taking a piss got stung right on the tip of his dick so he went to the doctor.

The doctor took alook at it and said, "Holy , that things huge! I'll be right back, I'm going to go get a shot that will make the pus come right out."

Jose looked at him and said, "NO, no, no, like you said the old fashion way is the best way. Now start sucking!"

[Roger_The_Rogue]

This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note "Off to the grocery store". He hasn't been *getting any* from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick.

He puts the video in, and starts :wub:. He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life.

Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes.

He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in...... what happened?!".

To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."



Ok. Here is my five jokes for today. Will bring another five tomorrow. Have fun reading other jokes. ^^

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

The Irish Vasectomy


After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could
continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania, several suburbs in Brisbane and Elizabeth in Sth. Australia

[Giorgos]

Differences between women and men and a lesson in what loyalty means for both sexes.

A woman comes back one morning after having been gone from home all night. The man asks where she had been, and she replies that she was at a friends house.
Sure enough, the man calls her 10 best friends and all but one tell him that his wife weren't with them.

A man comes back one morning after having been gone from home all night. The woman asks her husband where he had been, and he replies that he was at a friends house.
Sure enough, the woman calls his 10 best friends asking whether her husband was with them. All reply that indeed, her husband was with them last night, and 3 out of 10 insist that her husband is still hanging out with them.

[ISA Gunner]

Ahh...the luck of the Irish.

Did you know their military aviation technology is one of the best in the world however. They invented the first helicopter ejector seat.

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asked him for a push.


"Not a chance," said the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slammed the door and returned to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is raining cats and dogs out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man sighed, but did as he was told. He got dressed, and went out into the pounding rain. He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," cames back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" called out the husband.

"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark..

"Where are you?" called the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

[ISA Gunner]

Oh god Titus...terrible

What do Italian ghosts eat for breakfast...spookheti.

What's an archeologist? Someone whose career is in ruins.

What happens in a snail duel? They slug it out.

How do you catch a squirell? Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

God someone execute me...right now.

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

they were truly awfull.

or else

[ISA Gunner]

From your feedback, i take that you enjoy them...am i wrong?

All for your punishment...punishment for being an RS2 Beta tester!

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

just cos i get to see all the nice new pretty units and you dont. ?

[ISA Gunner]

......zzz......zzz........yes!

[mikil100]

Don't know if any of y'all have ever been to this site, but http://bash.org/ is the FUNNIEST website for quotes ever, heres a small sample:

<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.


<anamexis> oh man
<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
<anamexis> and it exploded
<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
<anamexis> but I got it away just in time
<-- Beefpile has quit (sick ers)
<anamexis> :<

[The Sloth]

A man walks into a bar and buys something to drink. Then, he sees the barkeeper watching the evening news on a TV. On the screen, there is a man standing at the edge of a building and threatening several policemen that he will jump off if they come closer.
The man then tells the barkeeper ,,How about it? If he really jumps, I can drink here for free. If he doesn't, I'll pay twice the usual price'' ,,Fine with me'', says the barkeeper.
Almost imediately afterwards, the man jumps from the building and dies. However, the barkeeper smiles and says ,,Don't worry, that bet doesn't count anyway. I already saw this in the morning news.''
,,Me too, says the man, but who'd have thought he'd jump again?''

[♔Jean-Luc Picard♔]

<DemonEater> wtf
<DemonEater> ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope championship
<DemonEater> who the hell watches jump rope competiti---

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

ooh bouncy

EDIT: had to add this one
<Firefly> Time for my prayers:
<Firefly> Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
<Firefly> May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
<Firefly> May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
<Firefly> Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
<Firefly> And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
<Firefly> Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
<Firefly> For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.

[rory o'kane]

EDIT: had to add this one
<Firefly> Time for my prayers:
<Firefly> Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
<Firefly> May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
<Firefly> May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
<Firefly> Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
<Firefly> And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
<Firefly> Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
<Firefly> For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.

now that's funny!

[Gerald The Herald]

One day, an Irishman, Russian and American are caught drinking in Mecca, Saudi Arabia and are almost immediately sentenced to death via shooting, despite international protest.

On the day of the execution, the trio formulate a BRILLIANT plan to escape their untimely deaths.

The Irishman comes first and yells: "TORNADO!"
The firing squad runs off to save their skins and returns a few minutes later after realizing the Irishman's scheme, only to find the Russian and American left.

They take aim and were about to gun both of them down when the russian suddenly yells :"EARTHQUAKE!".
Once again, the guards flee, only to facepalm themselves when they finally do realize how they were tricked yet again.

Now, only the American is left. Standing alone, palms sweating, pants wet, a bead of sweat running down his forehead, he finally grasps the ingeniuty of his plan!.
Yelling in his best gung-hoish, yet distraught voice, he cries :"FIRE!". ........*BANG*