Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, now that RSII is here)

[ISA Gunner]

Blonde joke.

Mary and 2 boys were walking back home after a long day at school.
One of the boys says "Mary, if you can climb up that lamp post and touch the glass we'll buy you an ice-cream."
"Umm i dunno. Do you promise too?"
"Of course. But you must touch the glass on the lamp pole."

So Mary mary climbed up and touched it. The two boys stuck to their word and bought her the most expensive ice-cream at the milk bar.
Mary got home and was still licking her ice-cream.
Her mother saw her and said "Where did you get that from Mary?"
"Two boys told me to climb up a lamp post and touch the top. So i did and they bought me an ice-cream." she replied.
"How silly of you Mary, they just wanted to have a look at your underwear as you climbed." her mother said.
"Of course i knew that. But i'm clever mummy. I took my underwear off before i climbed."

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan
and yelled,


'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'

[General Frum]

rofllobstered!

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

+Rep me if you like my jokes.

[ISA Gunner]

Call me noob Titus Pullo....but how do i rep?

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

if you look where my name is below my picture there are 3 icons at the bottom of the box, the one in the middle, click on it and all will become clear.

[ISA Gunner]

I only see your lightbulb and the 'report' button...

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state. Eventually, they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment, they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish they both realize they have nothing to 'freshen-up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and then throw them away. The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon. 'Just the job' she decides and without another thought, duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task completed, the women continue staggering home. Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night. "You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said, "We'll Never Forget You - From All the Lads at the Fire Station"

[Kátz]

I only see your lightbulb and the 'report' button...

because you haven't reached 50 posts yet to be able to rep people.

and +rep to Titus Pullo!(till I spread more of reps)

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

in your settings have you got reputation disabled ?

[ISA Gunner]

Need 50 posts to rep apparently. But once i do you will definitely be getting mine Titus. Very nice jokes.

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

get posting then.

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my
right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with
her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked
away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over
in my lane still working on that makeup!!

It scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the
bacon roll out of my other
hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my
knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which
fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM
AND THE ROUND TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette
out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!

*NG WOMEN DRIVERS

[ISA Gunner]

Drivers these days...

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

Call from Old Girlfriend


This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.


We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic."



I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me.



Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge"



"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!



She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.



Then she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to off.

[ISA Gunner]

Too true. Us men are the biggest hypocrits. Question Titus, does the 'wub' smile stand for that inapropriate word that we all love and we all enjoy?

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

yes, im afraid it does that when ever you post a "bad" word.

[MarcusTullius]

Some more!


A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

***

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.

After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead.

"There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette.

"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.

Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?"

"What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"

***

A truck driver was tooling down the highway one afternoon and heard a "pop." Thinking that perhaps he had blown a tire, he steered the rig onto the shoulder and walked back to check his tires.
He found a bottle laying in the gutter. He picked it up and wiped off the label to see what kind of bottle it was when a very old genie popped out. The genie said, "Man, I'm too old for this! You get one wish -- not three -- just one."
The driver thought long and hard, and finally said, "It would be really nice for all the bridges to be wide enough that over-sized loads could get through without any trouble."
The genie said, "Do you know how many bridges that would be?! Can't you come up with something simpler?"
The driver replied, "How about if you make all the blondes as smart as brunettes?"
The genie shook his head vigorously and answered, "How wide would you like those bridges?"

[Roger_The_Rogue]

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

''I got in a fight with Riley.''

''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barman said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''

''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''

''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''

''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

some thing similar comes to mind.

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,' Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that cou ld possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives and girlfriends; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?