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Thread: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, now that RSII is here)

  1. #41
    Nicator's Avatar Libertus
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    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    What kind of present does a deaf, mute and blind child get for Christmas?




    ...




    Cancer.


  2. #42
    ISA Gunner's Avatar Campidoctor
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    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    Just slightly harsh Nicator...lol.

  3. #43
    Alkarin's Avatar Praepositus
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    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    Quote Originally Posted by ISA Gunner View Post
    Just slightly harsh Nicator...lol.
    i found it humorous
    You look great today.

  4. #44

    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    rofl!

  5. #45

    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    The Pope Visits America

    The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

    Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

    The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!"

    "Is it the President?" asked the chief.

    "No! Even more important!"

    "Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.

    "Err... I think it's God, sir," said the trooper.

    "And why would you think that, Trooper?" said the chief, trying to keep his blood pressure under control.

    "Well sir, he's got the Pope as a chauffeur..."
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  6. #46

    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    rofl!

  7. #47

    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    this is a bit Blue

    Nudist Colony

    A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

    The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, "Did you call for me?"



    The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"

    She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain.

    It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

    Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.

    Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.

    "You must be new," answered the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

    The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.

    "Here 's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

    "But
    Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."

    "Listen lady," he replied, "I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."
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  8. #48
    ISA Gunner's Avatar Campidoctor
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    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    LOL. Good one Titus Pullo

  9. #49

  10. #50

    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    NACHO CHEESE
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    *cringe *



    sadly that is probably the only appropriate one i know, but has caused a number of laughs when needed

  11. #51

    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    now we get to some diverse stuff.i think the americans among us may get these better than most.

    It was the first day of school in Manhattan, New
    York, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a
    Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
    American history. Who said "Give me
    Liberty,
    or give me Death?""
    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who
    had his hand up.
    "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.

    "Very good! Who said "Government of the People, by
    the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
    Again, no response except from Suzuki.
    "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you
    should be ashamed.
    Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about
    its history than you do."

    She heard a loud whisper: " the Japs."
    "Who said that?" she demanded.
    Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

    At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm
    gonna puke."
    The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who
    said that?"
    Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese
    Prime Minister, 1991."

    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
    Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and
    shouts to the teacher,
    "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said,
    "You little . If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
    Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice,
    "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

    The teacher fainted.
    And as the class gathered around the teacher on the
    floor, someone said,
    "Oh , we're ed!" and Suzuki said, "Americans
    in Iraq 2004!"
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  12. #52

    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    Haha, great.
    Vale,

  13. #53
    drazeN's Avatar Centenarius
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    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    Found this one.

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    I had problems with my computer, so I called my 11 year old neighbor, Matt, whose room looked most like a rocket control center, and asked him if he can come and help me.

    Matt clicked a few buttons and the issue was quickly dissolved.

    When he was already leaving, I called after him and asked him, "What was wrong?"

    He looks at me with these little smart eyes and says, "Error ID ten T".

    "Uhum". Of course I didn't want him to see me as a foolish guy, but I asked him anyway. "What's Error ID ten T? You know, in case that is appears again and I have to repair it..."

    "What? You have never heard of the Error ID ten T?"

    "No", I said slowly.

    "No problem. Just write it down somewhere, and you'll see", said Matt.






































    And so I wrote: I D 1 0 T

  14. #54

    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    a less political one.

    A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
    two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

    Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

    "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
    difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

    We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one
    of the cows had something white at its rear end."

    "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
    with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
    arse.

    Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
    like yours!'"

    "I don't remember much after that ...."
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  15. #55
    frankus's Avatar Civis
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    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    hahahaha very funny!!!

  16. #56

    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    got one

    a small little guy at school had to go to the bathroom. The problem was he was only 4 years old.
    When he akes the teacher if he could go, she told to him ''but you are way to small! you sure you can do it by yourself?''. Of course i can! the boy replied. And went to the bathroom

    About 2 minutes later he comes out, soaked all trough. You see you can't do it all by yourself! the teacher told him. The boy cried out ''But i could! but the teacher from 6th grade had to pee too and was in such a hurry thatdidnt see me standing there!.

    another!

    A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

    The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

    Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

    The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

    okay 1 more...

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ."
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  17. #57

    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    +rep if you like:


    There was a couple golving on one of the most luxurious places in America.
    When they reached the 17th hole the guy said: 'we are quite close to the houses, you better watch out!'
    As if it is ment to be te woman swings and yes, the ball goes straight to the window of one of the most luxurious houses.
    So the couple nocks on the front door and hear a squiky voice: 'Come in... come in'
    When they reach the hallway they see a little guy near a beautiful and broken vase.
    They guy says: 'Thank you for liberating me, I was held in that vase for over 400 years. Because you liberated me you can do 3 wishes, and because your together and I want, after 400 years something for myself, you can both do one wish'
    So the guy asks for a luxurious villa, and the woman for a happy and healthy life. Fine, says the guy, tommorow you will get it.
    So what is your wish? The woman asks. Well, after 400 years I want hot steamy sex, and hey, let there be a beatiful woman next to me!
    The woman, whom is longing to her wish says: fine, if that takes it to be healthy and happy.

    So they go upstairs and have sex all night long.
    When they are done the guy says one thing:

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    I cant believe people of your age still believe in ghosts.

    "Just searching for a world with some soul..."

  18. #58

    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    old traditional 3 man joke.

    The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
    over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her
    lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
    knickers?" her
    husband demanded.
    "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford
    any."
    The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
    "For the
    sake
    of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."


    Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the
    tee. Her
    skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no
    undies.
    "Blessed
    Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
    She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
    He
    reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency,
    here's
    20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"


    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes
    her skirt
    over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
    "Sweet mudder
    of
    Jaysus Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
    She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able
    ta affarrd
    any."
    The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the
    love 'o
    decency,
    here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."
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  19. #59

    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    Yuk.
    Vale,

  20. #60

    Default Re: Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, until RS2.0 is here)

    why men dont usually write into agony aunts

    Dear Abby,

    I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
    could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my
    wife has been cheating on me.

    The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
    wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
    ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
    know them."

    I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
    always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as
    if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she
    wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time
    it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her
    phone again and why was I checking up on her.

    Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
    down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
    again and I decided to really check on her.

    I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the
    garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
    street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
    Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
    leaking a little oil.

    Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
    dealer?

    Thanks,

    > Bob
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