Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, now that RSII is here)

[Kátz]

why the earlier one is much better than now?

[jakobh94]

A man is very old and will die in a couple of months, maybe weeks, or perhaps a day. But god appears infront of him and says: "I give you one wish, wish anything!"
The man thinks and than got the answer: "I want a bridge to Hawaii!"
God becomes worried and says: "That will take a long time, not to mention how much material it would take and ..."
The man interrupt god and says: "Okay, i take another one. I think women are mysterious, they do not think like we men. Can you teach me to understand women?"
God yawns and says: "Do you want two or three files? (maybe wrong word but i think you got it)

[Kátz]

A guy named Norman wants to go to an audience becoming an actor, unfortunately he had a stomachache since he ate bland foods on his breakfast in which the foods are made by himself not his mom.

In casting ( or what it's called ) place the honor of becoming a main actor is already taken by some else. And only the part of figurine ( I think that's the word ) is left.

Now the setting of this figurine apparently is in heavy debts, the kidney is placed with the one cows had after a wrong op. ( sorry if this one is insulting ) Got a unrecovered sickness plus his life is only 2 weeks more.

During the casting, he played his role very finely since he got his stomachache. ( Obviously it's hard to play the role of a sick guy with a healthy guy ). Plus he spoke with his tears as well. After that, the director really accepted him into his acting. What is he going to do after this? The stomachache won't be forever you know.

If it's good rep me.

[mattfriend0]

Q. how do you kill a russian vampire?
A. Holy Vodka

[|Sith|Duke_Spartacus]

general cam is realistic...

that true.... right?

[Kátz]

general cam is realistic...

that true.... right?

to which thread are you answering?

[|Sith|Duke_Spartacus]

just a bit of sarcasm lol i mean i hate gen cam cause its unrealistic and stuff and people suddenly start saying its awesome

[Kátz]

just a bit of sarcasm lol i mean i hate gen cam cause its unrealistic and stuff and people suddenly start saying its awesome

probably you should comment at that thread...

[ISA Gunner]

Had to necro. This was possibly the best time-killing-till-RS2 thread we had. We need moar funnies! Post people!

[Souka]

Taken of the web, so some of you might have heard it.

A girls first time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

[Kallides]

BRAVO!!!! Very misleading!! As I was reading it I thought to myself "OH you are so"!!!



A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[Tesla]

hahaha nice one, man forgot all about this thread

[Kallides]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”



600th POST!!!!!

[Kallides]

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

[Souka]

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Hahahaha it's always best to be a 100% sure

Got another one, this is quite long so going to spoiler tag it.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A smart child

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

[Kallides]

lol. Nice one mate!


A dog walks into a telegram office, takes out a blank form and writes, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

[rsslcs]

What's brown and sticky?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A stick!

And the old reliable:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A baby seal walks into a club.

[SimpleCourage47]

The worlds funniest joke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM

[Scarrus]

Two guys fighting in war, trying to hold their positions against never ending waves of enemies suddenly realize they'l soon run out of ammo. The one guy says, I'l go, just cover me! And so he runs of.
The second guy waits and waits and waits but his mate is nowhere to be seen. 8 hours later, his friend comes back without ammunition. Then he asks: G1 "Were you pursued by an enemy patrool unit?"
G2 "No, I've found a girl that I could do anything I wanted to her!"
G1 "Did she s... .... ...."?
G2 "No, she was headless..."

[juvenus]

Similar to H1N1 (swine flu) there is a special virus which affects only girls who love rich men?
It's named X5Q7.