Jokes, one liners, etc (give us a laugh, now that RSII is here)

[King Nud]

Here's one to start:

digital clockQ: What did the digital clock say to his mother?

A: Look ma no hands!

[swhunter]

Here's one that my wife likes. As she is a blond! And she loves blond jokes.

A person asked this blond and said which is closer ?
The Moon or Paris ?
And she replied Daaa.. Hello?! The moon of course you cant see Paris!

[swhunter]

Blonde sues over brown dye; judge brushes off suit



The Associated Press



BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — A Connecticut judge has given the brush-off to a blonde woman's lawsuit claiming L'Oreal Inc. ruined her social life when she accidentally dyed her hair brunette with one of its products.
Charlotte Feeney of Stratford says she can never return to her natural blonde hue, a shock that left her so traumatized she needed anti-depressants.
She says she suffered headaches and anxiety, missed the attention that blondes receive and had to stay home and wear hats most of the time.
A Superior Court judge dismissed Feeney's 2005 lawsuit Monday, saying she never proved her allegation that L'Oreal put brown hair dye in a box labeled as blonde. The company also had disputed the claim.
Feeney's attorney, David Laudano, declined to comment and she could not be reached after the judge's decision.

Thought this was funny! blonds!

[drazeN]

Q: How you gonna sink submarine full with blonds?
A: Just knock on the door.

[|Sith|Duke_Spartacus]

how many blonds u need to change a lightbulb?

blonds: lightbulb?

[Noodlegasm]

There's an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the policeman and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the policeman think it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out........"Potatoes!"

[snuggans]

a dog walks into a bar.

the bartender looks over to the dog and asks: "herpes?"

the dog barks "yes".

[Otto von Bismarck]

a dog walks into a bar.

the bartender looks over to the dog and asks: "herpes?"

the dog barks "yes".

This one is

[century x]

My wife wants to go on vacation and asks me take me to a place I have never seen before.

I said fine and I took her to the kitchen.

[apple]

> YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?
Yes.

> ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
Yes.

> ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?
YES!

> OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE "ANTI-TRUST" NONSENSE. INGRATE.
Just get on with it.

> ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.
Groan.

> THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.
Problems? What problems?

> THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.
But I'm using it at this very moment.

> THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
But if the video card isn't working with the mother board then I can't very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasn't...

> DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE - MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, > MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.
All that?

> YES. AND THE HARDDRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON'T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.
Well what *DOES* work?

> THE MOUSE.
The mouse?

> YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.
I don't have a 5 1/4 drive.

> YES YOU DO.
No I don't.

> WHAT'S THAT THEN?
It's a 3 1/2 drive.

> NO IT ISN'T.
Yes it is.

>YOU'RE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.
Look, can you just install XP on my system and I'll download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?

>WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?
Well it is mine.

>NO IT ISN'T.
It bloody well is.

>NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. IT'S OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.
But why?

>BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CAN'T VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? I'LL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THAT'S WHERE. I... HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU'RE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT'S ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOU'RE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE..........

C:\>

[swhunter]

These are good!
Attention! RS members don't be here all of time!
We have work to do!

[pacco]

Back to work!

[General Frum]

What is worse than a baby in a trashcan?

A baby in 2 trashcans!

[The Sloth]

What is brown, has four legs and one arm?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A Rottweiler at a children's playground

[Gerald The Herald]

Lol, I'll have a go!
(Might be old,meh )

So a guy gets pestered by his girlfriend to bring her someplace expensive.
He drops her off at a gas station.

[King Nud]

My firend was a pianist, he was crushed by his piano....

his funeral was very low key!


I once worked in a helium factory, i quit coz i refused to be talked to in that tone!

[apple]

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Web site.

Obviously the answers came from an Aussie Customer Service rep. with a real sense of humour.

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Actually, we import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What exactly did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make excellent pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them, although you personally should be safe enough. If you are still worried you can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to pay her by the hour, just like last time.

21. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Gerald The Herald]

*Cracks knuckles*
Alright..here goes!

So, an opening becomes available in the C.I.A for the post of Chief Foreign Intelligence supervisor. To gauge applicants' suitability for the job,the CIA announce they shall rigorously judge and interrogate all applicants. Eeriely, only 3 people apply, 2 men and a woman, all married.

The first man arrives, and the C.I.A agents doing the audition tell him this :"Your wife's in the next room, here's this pistol, kill her and prove to us you're made for this job."

The man immediately breaks down, cries and runs out of the building, screaming.

Next, the other guy walks in and the agents tell him the same thing :"Slay your wife and convince us you're made of the right stuff!".

The man walks into the next room where he spots his wife bound in a char with the thickest cables imaginable and with a rag stuffed into her mouth. 3 minutes later, he bursts out of the room, shoots off a few random shots at the gathered inspectors and escapes with his wife in a very dramatic james-bondish fashion.

Impressed, the agents decide to consider him for the job, lest the last applicant can prove herself.

The woman then walks into the room. The agents tell her the same thing: "Your husband is now bound, helpless and unarmed in the other room, kill him and you get the job".

With a grin, the wife walks into the room and, after a full 2 mins of shouting, the agents outside hear 10 gunshots, followed by the sounds of furniture being thrown."

The wife then walks out of the room in question into the main hallway where the agents stare at her in shock; for she is covered entirely in blood and guts.

The wife begins :" You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks!".
"I had to kill him with the chair:"

[Legionary Titus Pullo]

Two guys Paddy and Mick were both laid off from the factory where they'd worked for a few years, so they went to the unemployment office to sign on.

The clerk asked Paddy what his occupation was before being made redundant...."Knicker stitcher," he replied....adding "I sew the elastic onto ladies knickers."

The young female clerk looked up this information on her computer and finding it classed as unskilled labour, told Paddy she was going to award him seventy five pounds a week dole money.

Mick then took his turn to be interviewed and when he was asked what his occupation had been, he answered "Diesel fitter"

The clerk looked up diesel fitter on her computer and finding it was classed as a skilled job she awarded Mick one hundred and fifty pounds a week.

When Mick met Paddy in the pub five minutes later and told him how much dole he was going to get a week, Paddy was furious. He stormed out of the pub and back to the dole office where he demanded to know why his best friend and workmate had been awarded twice the amount of dole money he had.

"Quite simple" said the clerk, "He's a skilled worker"

"Skilled worker my arse" exploded Paddy "I sewed the elastic into the knickers, then Mick stretched them a bit and said 'Yep, Diesel fitter' "

[King Nud]

Sorry if anyone irish is here, DO NOT READ THE SPOILER UNLESS YOU CAN TAKE A JOKE!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

How many Irishmen does it tkae to wash an upstairs window?
2: One to hold the ladder and one to wash the window...

How many Irishmen does it take to wash a downstairs window?
15, 1 to wash the window, 1 to hold the ladder and 13 to dig the hole for the ladder!!