Tale of the Week 12 - The Vote

[molls]

With the morning comes a hard decision..

Read the stories here .

Vote, but discuss first and foremost.

Constructive criticism is welcome.

I would be very pleased if the more experienced TotW writers ( Juvenal, Pontifex etc... ) posted a small statement to each story,
giving advice or just commenting it !

[Musthavename]

Ooh another hidden vote. Voted

[Hector Barbossa]

Some good stories here was a difficult choice but after much deliberation have now voted.

[molls]

haha before you start to think that it's time to be lame now, the votes are still public, for me all the time and for you after 1 weeks time.

edit:

Voted for "Now that is much better" mainly because this comes close to my style and the built of the story was very good.
At first you are like "Yeah and? gimme details, whats this about" and in the end "hah great idea, I didn't think of that"!

The last paragraph really had me!

[Juvenal]

Here is my attempt at criticism. The stories are all good and my suggestions are only intended to help improve the writing. Please feel free to ignore them. I haven't criticised my own story, I'll leave that to others.


Dew on the Morning Grass
Creates a strong sense of place. Convinces the reader that the events described represent some cusp or turning point of great importance. Nice metaphors, good closure with the final metaphor referencing the title.

Suggested improvements. There is a typo (shinning) and some awkward word choices (can a sound be "mighty"?), mixed singular/plural ("grabbed a sword and awaited their death"), perhaps a missing word (their stakes prepared and facing... ).


Now That is Much Better
Good comedy. The punchline was not telegraphed so it was a nice fresh surprise right at the end of the story.

Suggested improvements. Quotation marks are not required between sentences, only when speech starts/stops or at end of paragraph. Inappropriate capitalisation ("kept their Armour and their weapons"). Some words in para 2 are overused: "rehearsed" "speech" "speech" "indeed" "rehearsing" "mind" "mind" "indeed". What happens is that the repetition gives the word more emphasis in the reader's mind than the author intended (unless this has been done deliberately).


Cellophane Knights
A nice piece of reportage, and a fresh interpretation of the picture as film-making.

Suggested improvements. Use quotation marks for speech. The French for Zebra is "Zebré". Inconsistent tenses - "He was called" is followed by "he ventured into", I think it should be "he had ventured into". Inconsistent plurals - "hasbeen waitresses" then "with a cleavage".


The Old Forest
A haunting tale featuring a great variety of sounds and descriptions of the application of various weapons. I liked the idea of making the forest itself the observer of the action. Very good closing line.

Suggested improvements. "heard over the leaves" should be "heard over the sound of the leaves". "unhuman" should be "inhuman". Need to decide which "knocked" to keep in "green leaf was knocked delicately knocked off it's branch".


A Charge of Righteousness
A charming soliloquy of a Knight about to face battle. The context and backstory are neatly conveyed by the Knight's thoughts, and the story ends with the action about to commence, encouraging the reader to continue the action in their own thoughts.

Suggested improvements. "Their armour shiny" new sentence not needed here. "their beautiful colours, blue and white, matches"- should be "match". The phrase "to repay this insult of landing an army on our lands in kind" would read better as "to repay in kind this insult of landing an army on our lands".


To Admire
A rather elegiac tale of brave men going to their deaths, delivered in the present tense. Some adventurous use of word order. It conveys the solemnity of the moment very well. Successful use of repeated words for emphasis and rhythm.

Suggested improvements. "The trees blow in the wind" would be better as "The trees sway in the wind". "With a final act of bravery, " doesn't work because there weren't any preceding acts described. I would suggest something like "As if to mark the point of no-return".

[molls]

Amazing!

Great Post.

If that doesn't consume too much of your time, I would like you to do this every week. (humble me )

This is professional man!

[Pontifex Maximus]

The Old Forest
A haunting tale featuring a great variety of sounds and descriptions of the application of various weapons. I liked the idea of making the forest itself the observer of the action. Very good closing line.

Suggested improvements. "heard over the leaves" should be "heard over the sound of the leaves". "unhuman" should be "inhuman". Need to decide which "knocked" to keep in "green leaf was knocked delicately knocked off it's branch".

Thanks for that.

What a silly mistake I made with "Knocked" ah well, if ever there was proof of the power of proofreading.

This story was fun to write, great picture this week.

[Aldgarkalaughskel]

Great post, Juvenal +rep.

Thanks for the feedback and the advice. Looks like it doesn't matter how many times do I scan the text for typos, some always remain.

About La Zebra: I was having fun with an anagram maker, and found "La Zebra" the funniest one made from [user]Elzabar[/user]; and I used this name to my story. Although I should have corrected it later. :hmmm:

I encourage you to share your opinion every time like this. So thanks.

[Sensi Karate]

Sorry that I couldn't post my tale this week, I had two very large assignments to do in a very short period of time. I'll still review some however Juvenal has already done this.

Dew on the Morning Grass
Nice story, I could feel a real sense of the scots final hours. This part really gave me a beautiful image in my head, "The morning was cold. The Scots fumbled, their hands numb, as they tried to turn their formations and ready their spears. Men dropped the wooden poles. Others slipped on the wet morning grass. But up ahead, charging down the small hill to meet them, the English lions ran magnificently." However you added to many commas and full stops which were not needed and could've easily been replaced by a joining word.

Now that is much better
A pickle of a story with interesting comedy tangled upon it. I've picked up a few more things Juvenal hasn't which I think could be improved. Firstly you should add a space between words full stops and the starting of a new sentence, ie: "sunshine.Suddenly" to "sunshine. Suddenly" which gives it a more professional look to it. The single word 'I' should of been a capital in order to, once again make your story have a more professional look to it. Another thing which is optional would the the colouring of your words. I would personally keep it at one single colour as it creates an ugly look (my point of view) to the text which makes me dislike the story more. Nonethelss a really good story!

CELLOPHANE KNIGHTS
I loved this story like a mother loves his child. The vast jokes and great titles gave me a giant smile as I read it. Great take on the story. All the improvements have been said by Juvenal, I need not say anymore about this great tale but shtick mate!

The Old Forest
Another excellent story, very descriptive and a different view to the picture. I think you 'may' not get as many votes as it should, not on your writing skills by the dull title which I barely could see, maybe try and livin' it up? Keep your awesomenessism writin' skillz upz!


A CHARGE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS
Good take on a first person view of the story with the reader wanting to know what happens next. All the improvements were covered by Juvenal already, just follow his advice and you'll be writing like a pro.

TO ADMIRE
Beautiful story, passion and bravery all wrapped into one. I loved how you constantly reminded the reader that the men were brave in what they were doing, heroic in there task ahead of them, great story.

How the Hundred Years War was Lost
Hilarious, just hilarious! I don't really care what you had wrong, I just loved it to much. Ending sentence was great. I'm still grinning.

After I read all these my head spun crazily. I don't know who to vote for! All of them were great! Should I go with comedy or drama? To hard to choose! I have a think about this.

~Sensi

[Juvenal]

I just applied the checks I use for my own writing. Problem is, you rapidly get to a point where the criticism becomes subjective, so I tried to stop there.

The most useful course I ever attended was a business writing course. It taught me to always proof-read, and to actively look for redundant words (removing words can actually make a sentence clearer). I have found these habits just as useful for stories as for reports.

Of course, all the rules can be broken, provided it is intentional.

Thanks everyone for taking my comments with good grace.

[molls]

hmmmmmz come on 8 votes until now...

but what I see looks veeeery good and balanced

[Lupus]

A Charge of Righteousness
A charming soliloquy of a Knight about to face battle. The context and backstory are neatly conveyed by the Knight's thoughts, and the story ends with the action about to commence, encouraging the reader to continue the action in their own thoughts.

Suggested improvements. "Their armour shiny" new sentence not needed here. "their beautiful colours, blue and white, matches"- should be "match". The phrase "to repay this insult of landing an army on our lands in kind" would read better as "to repay in kind this insult of landing an army on our lands".

Very good criticism. I could not agree more. Thanks, Juvenal!

[Sensi Karate]

I actually broke my choosing down into stages. First I tried to remember the stories to see which ones stuck in my brain the most. Then I read the stories, rating them in my brain on the overview. Then finally, with the remainding ones left I did the most hard stage of all, ennie, meanie, minne, mo! I finally choose one, which was very good, so I'm happy.

~Sensi

[molls]

listen up! small hint...


3
2
2
2
1
1
0

[Pontifex Maximus]

What?

[molls]

Thats the votes until now, 1 story with 3, 3 Stories with 2, 2 stories with 1 and one single zero