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Thread: A somewhat disturbing poem

  1. #1
    Kscott's Avatar New and Improved!
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    Default A somewhat disturbing poem

    Break my head on a window sill.
    Glass shatters, all is still.
    Got to get up,
    got to kill,
    the little man
    that talks, but isn't real

    Carpet covered by a lake of red.
    Blood gushes, pain in head.
    Hope to quiet,
    hope to shred,
    the little man
    that talks, but isn't real

    Shouting with a voice that trails.
    He is desperate, no avail.
    The reaper is here,
    here to jail,
    the little man
    that talks, but isn't real

    Patron of Basileous Leandros I/Grimsta/rez/ Aemilianus/Publius/ Vizigothe/Ahiga /Zhuge_Liang Under Patronage of Lord Rahl
    MY TWC HISTORY

  2. #2

    Default Re: A somewhat disturbing poem

    I liked it. But I don't undrestand it...not a poet.

  3. #3
    Kscott's Avatar New and Improved!
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    Default Re: A somewhat disturbing poem

    In the first stanza, the writer smashes his head against a window sill, in order to "silence" the voices in his head.

    In the second stanza, the writer is on the floor surrounded by a pool of blood, still wanting to kill the voices in his head.

    In the final stanza the voices in his head die, but the reader must decide for themselves what this means. (i.e Did the writer kill himself in order to silence the voices?)

    Patron of Basileous Leandros I/Grimsta/rez/ Aemilianus/Publius/ Vizigothe/Ahiga /Zhuge_Liang Under Patronage of Lord Rahl
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  4. #4
    mocker's Avatar Domesticus
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    Default Re: A somewhat disturbing poem

    I like it, but perhaps too cryptic?
    I think you need to improve the rhythmic flow of the poem.

    I write a good deal of poems myself, but they're all written in Norwegian I'm afraid.


  5. #5
    God's Avatar Shnitzled In The Negev
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    Default Re: A somewhat disturbing poem

    Quote Originally Posted by mocker View Post
    I like it, but perhaps too cryptic?
    No such thing!

  6. #6
    Claudius Gothicus's Avatar Petit Burgués
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    Default Re: A somewhat disturbing poem

    It's a great piece of poetry, maybe a bit weird and disturbing but still great.

  7. #7
    Kscott's Avatar New and Improved!
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    Default Re: A somewhat disturbing poem

    Quote Originally Posted by mocker View Post
    I like it, but perhaps too cryptic?
    I think you need to improve the rhythmic flow of the poem.

    I write a good deal of poems myself, but they're all written in Norwegian I'm afraid.
    Very cryptic, but that is my style. I do agree about the flow, I'm not entirely happy about the second two stanzas. It is more made to be spoken though. Has a pretty good flow when I say it.

    Quote Originally Posted by God View Post
    No such thing!
    Agreed!
    Quote Originally Posted by Claudius Gothicus View Post
    It's a great piece of poetry, maybe a bit weird and disturbing but still great.
    Incredibly weird and disturbing, but that is the only type of poems I can write

    Patron of Basileous Leandros I/Grimsta/rez/ Aemilianus/Publius/ Vizigothe/Ahiga /Zhuge_Liang Under Patronage of Lord Rahl
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  8. #8

    Default Re: A somewhat disturbing poem

    Quote Originally Posted by Kscott View Post
    Break my head on a window sill.
    Glass shatters, all is still.
    Got to get up,
    got to kill,
    the little man
    that talks, but isn't real

    Carpet covered by a lake of red.
    Blood gushes, pain in head.
    Hope to quiet,
    hope to shred,
    the little man
    that talks, but isn't real

    Shouting with a voice that trails.
    He is desperate, no avail.
    The reaper is here,
    here to jail,
    the little man
    that talks, but isn't real
    I like it, the above is the only change that I might suggest (just because it breaks the rhyme scheme to keep that line in)

  9. #9
    Kscott's Avatar New and Improved!
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    Default Re: A somewhat disturbing poem

    Thats the most important part of the poem!

    Patron of Basileous Leandros I/Grimsta/rez/ Aemilianus/Publius/ Vizigothe/Ahiga /Zhuge_Liang Under Patronage of Lord Rahl
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  10. #10
    mocker's Avatar Domesticus
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    Default Re: A somewhat disturbing poem

    I feel compelled to say that the cryptic critique was poorly stated by me. What I meant was that the "cryptism" ruined the flow. Sorry about that.


  11. #11
    The Big Red 1's Avatar Primicerius
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    Default Re: A somewhat disturbing poem

    I enjoyed it and thought it was very good. Bravo.
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