For the Hegemony of the Balkans! Greek Cities AAR

[Legio]

This AAR is coming soon and will follow the exploits of Antigonos of Sparta and his bosom buddy Timoleon of Korinthos.
I have done a little already, just need to write it.
COMING TOMORROW!

[Balikedes]

Can't wait for this AAR, very cool.

[Legio]

Chapter One-First Blood

I am Antigonus, King of the Greeks. I am writing this at the start of a campaign that I am sure will forever survive in the annals of history.
A week ago we started our march into Macedonia, with a force assembled from Sparta, Athens, and Thebes. This march will make history.


We have marched into Thessaly! Macedon has not responded yet. I sit in my luxury tent with my journal and my courtesans, enjoying fine Chian apple wine imported from near my city of Pergamum. One of my reliable hoplites ran in while I was in the middle of a cup.

Soldier 1: Sir! Sir! The Macedonian prince is nearby!
I hastily gathered my armor, and forgot to zip my under tunic.
Courtesan 1: Oh, my lord!
Antigonos: What is it now? You know I have to go to the battle, dear!
Courtesan 1: But my lord...!
Antigonos: Work first, pleasure later!
Timoleon(my dearest friend): Ant-y, your under tunic is loose! What kind of dignified appearance is that!
Antigonos: Oh. Well. Let us march to death!
Timoleon: For them.
Antigonos: For them!
Timoleon: And glory.
Antigonos: And glory...!
Timoleon; For us.
Antigonos: For us!

I zipped my tunic and hastily left the tent, Timoleon following.

The Macedonians were brought up in a classic phalanx battle line.


So I deployed in a classic phalanx-killing battle line. At least that is what I think it is called. I lost my complete idiot's guide guide to classic battle-lines.


My Thureophoroi were ready, and so was I. With Timoleon, I galloped to the hill overlooking the Macedonian flank, and held it. For some reason, they did not attack me.


As our classic battlelines grew closer his prince charged the hill, and we engaged in a classic royal cavalry battle.


As my slingers and theurophoroi were shredding most of his classic phalanx, his third unit of phalangites broke off from the battle and came to aid his prince against me.

Antigonos: Hey! That is not sanctioned in the Classic Phalanx Maneuvers Book!
Macedonian: How should I know? We have not built an Academy in any of our cities yet!
Antigonos: Oh. I see. Barbarians you are! Spartans, attack!


Macedonians: Hey! That is not allowed according to the rulebook!
Antigonos: Oh, so you have that book, eh? Spartans, show no mercy!
Of course, our Spartans had the easier time of it.


They charged the Macedonian Prince in the rear.


The phalangites below the hill were massacred by my slingers and javelinmen, who were constantly firing a rain of missiles on them. Those who did not die broke, and...died.
The Macedonian prince tried to run as well. He got pretty far from us, but then his horse tripped on a snowbank. He fell and...died.


The few Macedonian stragglers were hunted down by Timoleon, and my victory was complete.


After the battle

Soldier 1: Hooray! Antigonos is dead!
Courtesan 1: NOOOOOO!!!!!(weeping and tearing hair)
Soldier 1: Why are you weeping? He was our greatest enemy?
Antigonos: I am not dead. What made you think so?
Courtesan 2: Him! That ing hoplite! Arrest him!

What could I do? I drew my sword and was about to strike when Timoleon stopped me.

Timoleon: Antigonos...was the Macedonian Prince.
Antigonos: What was the Macednoian prince?
Timoleon : Antigonos was.
Antigonos: What was I? And stop referring me to in the past tense! I am not dead!
Timoleon: ANTIGONOS WAS HIS NAME YOU......!!
Antigonos: Don't yell at me! I am not stupid!

I turned around and stormed out, or rather tried to. I tripped, of course.

Soldier 2: Hey, what is that dark spot on your under-tunic?
Antigonos: Wha-!?
Whole Army: Puddle-pants! Puddle-pants!
Antigonos: It is not puddle-pants! It is an under-tunic and I will have you know that it is all the rage in Europe! Pants are for barbarians! Get it right!
Soldier 1: Sir, we should be heading for Pella, right?
Antigonos: Well, yes, Ahem...

And so we march on Pella.
Note to Self: Have editor take out the name-calling when this is published.

[Legio]

Any comments?
Ways to improve it?

[Dictatorfish]

I'm the sort of guy who likes to get the bad out the way first: more screenshots of the battle please! Other than that, though, a great start and I love the fact that it's a comedy; you don't get many around here. Hopefully we'll get a few situations where Timoleon will get to prove his comical wit rather than having to play the straight man to "Anty" all the time. Keep up the good work!

PS. +1 rep for the intro.

[Stilgar CG]

Antigonos is dead (the Macedonian one), long leave Antigonos (the Greek one). Nice start, Legio Caesar. I am ready for new update.

[Legio]

I'm the sort of guy who likes to get the bad out the way first: more screenshots of the battle please! Other than that, though, a great start and I love the fact that it's a comedy; you don't get many around here. Hopefully we'll get a few situations where Timoleon will get to prove his comical wit rather than having to play the straight man to "Anty" all the time. Keep up the good work!
PS. +1 rep for the intro.

Thank you Dictatorfish, I will definitely have more pics in the next battle.
Timoleon will split up from Antigonos at one point to make a pincer attack soon.:hmmm:
Updates later today.
p.s. Dictatorfish-I enjoy your Seleucid AAR.

[Legio]

Chapter Two- The Sack of Pella

The Macedonians were holed up in their cities, and were afraid to come out! They gave me a clear avenue to Pella, and I took the opportunity! No one can call Antigonos of Sparta a coward! Just look at my last name.
The garrison of Pella was relatively small, as most of their soldiers were in Thessaly, cowering.


Citizens of the populace opened the gates for me, which I must say was very nice of them. I thanked them without dismounting, of course.
Timoleon said it would be discomfiting for the troops.


What I did not know was that there were hoplites and phalangites hiding on the walls. It was a trap!


I charged in, with my royal bodyguard classically following me.
I halted to rest the horses halfway to the city plaza, and heard voices.
Antigonos: Mommy, is that you?
Greek Bodyguard: No, it is just some Macedonian soldiers.
Antigonos: Oh, that is cleared up then. What!?

Macedonian Phalangite 1: Shhh! They will hear us!
Macedonian Phalangite 2: I think he is talking to his mommy. Did you hear that?
Macedonian Phalangite 3: Lucky him. I want my mommy right now.
Macedonian Phalangite 1: Shut up, will you, he hears us!
Antigonos: Brave sons of Hercules!
Macedonian Phalangite 2: Yes, what do you want?
Greek Bodyguard: My lord-look!
Antigonos: Who are you?
Macedonian Phalangites: The brave sons of Hercules!
Antigonos: No, we are!
Macedonian Phalangites: No, according to our two years of Second Grade, we are the sons of Hercules!
Antigonos: Unthinkable! You really need to construct an Academy! Take me to the store manager!

We all marched together to the plaza, where the general Eunos stood. The phalangites marched away.

Antigonos: Hey! Where are you going?
Phalangites: We are supposed to set a trap for you at the end of the square.
Antigonos: Oh, okay.

I turned to Eunos.
Antigonos: Hey, you! Dunderhead!
Eunos: Just ignore them, guys. He will go away.
Antigonos: Have I ever told you your armor makes you look fat?
Eunos: Turn your backs to them, men. We know we are better than them.

Antigonos: That's right, walk away! Come on, men, we have a city to take!
Eunos: Is that what you are here for?
Macedonian Hoplite: Yees, dere iss berry nice hot spring here, and good olive oil for the body nearby too.
Antigonos: Outrageous.
Macedonian Hoplite: Sometimes I go for hot spring and take bath.
Timoleon: Not very recently, I think.
Eunos: Charge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Antigonos: Come on men, let us retreat in the Parthian fashion, and lure them into our trap!

We retreated in the Parthian fashion, and ordered our hoplites to charge while I sampled some of the olive oil.


After I had finished my sample I charged into the fray gloriously.
Macedonian Olive Oil Seller: Five drachmae, please.
Antigonos: No! It was a free sample!
Olive Oil Seller: Fine then! Just wait until this battle is over! I will get my wife on you!
Eunos: Phalangites! Where are you!
Phalangites: Here, sir.
Eunos: Why aren't you attacking?

Phalangites: We did not get the signal.
Eunos: Now!
Phalangites: That is not the signal.
Eunos: I am the general here, and I command you!
Phalangites: How do we know? The Greeks fit inside a horse once to betray the Trojans, why not inside a general?
Eunos: Oh, very well. Mighty phalangites of Maedonia, attack!
Phalangites: Why didn't you say so sooner?



I ordered my thureophoroi to shred the pikemen.
Antigonos: Thureophoroi! Attack!
Theurophroi: That isn't the signal.
Antigonos: Ye gods, if I get through this and you do not attack I will disband you!
Thureophoroi: Very well, but we get another coffee break later.


With my brave skirmishers killing the pikemen, his general soon began to lose the battle and his bodyguards began to fall.


Antigonos: I have you cornered against a wall! Surrender!
Eunos: Actually, it is a garden fence.
Antigonos: I have you cornered against it!
Eunos: Quite a charming little garden fence really, and look at the hyacinth patch over there...
Antigonos: I've had enough. THIS....IS...SPARTA!!!!!
Phalangites: This is Pella, actually.
Antigonos: I killed Eunos, so it' smy city now. I call it what I want.
Greek Bodyguard: I thought you could only do that in BI?


With his general and phalanx dead, my theurophoroi marched through the streets to the town square, where his hoplites were.

They shredded the first unit, and then ran out of missiles. So I ordered two units of hoplites to kill it. They charged majestically with their hoplons before them.

It was soon a tangled melee.
You could not tell one force apart from the other.

Antigonos: Are we winning?
Greek Bodyguard: I don't know.
Antigonos: We are the red hoplites, and they ae the red hoplites.
Greek Bodyguard: Exactly.
Antigonos: If only this was vanilla we could tell them apart. Oh, look, I recognize that one. We won.

Olive Oil Seller: Would you accept some more free samples?

Later That Day
I sat with Timoleon and my captains in the governor's house planning my next moves.
Antigonos: Next we go north to Thessaly, and maybe west to Amphipolis.
Captain: North and west?


Antigonos: Oh, I am holding the map upside down, Silly me. South and east it is! We march in a month!

[supeerme]

lolz. I love the comandy here!

I would love to rep+ you but I'm keeping it until you do an god like battle.

[Legio]

Like the siege of Thessalonica perhaps?
I will train better troops first.

[TM Is Back]

Omg, +rep+rep for you humoristic writing stile. Loving this AAR.

[Legio]

TM is Back-thanks! Tomorrow expect the great battle of Thessalonica, in which the Macedonian last stand crushes the Greeks or the Macedonians are wiped off the face off the earth!!!!!!!!!!!

[TM Is Back]

Can't wait for it.

[Dictatorfish]

Very nice update indeed. And it's especially nice to see the additional screenies. Love the hoplite-hoplite charge!

How big is Antigonos's army at the moment?

[supeerme]

mmm maybe you should tone down the punchlines...It's not a Carry On film you know...

[Stilgar CG]

Hilarious, Legio Caesar! The scene at the fence was the culmination. But, suspicios phalangists was also a good lough. Looking forward to next update.

P.S. It's so good to start working day with a good AAR read .

[TM Is Back]

It's even better to stat your day with it, when your free

Sorry, had to say it.

[supeerme]

I got an idea for you to improve it.

Put the AAR into spoilers. This AAR forum is well known for it's Eco friendly AAR's. (AKA space saving and takes a short time to load things so less CO2 is pumped and-*acrushed by huge flying rock*

[Legio]

Very nice update indeed. And it's especially nice to see the additional screenies. Love the hoplite-hoplite charge!

How big is Antigonos's army at the moment?

Around 750 men. I should not be telling you this, but he has gotten reinforcements from Sparta, Athens, and Amphipolis for the big siege battle coing up.

Its not a carry-on film you know.

Sorry, what is a carry-on film?

Add spoilers

I don't know. I want people to see my AAR the minute they click this thread, not having to do anything else.
*evil selfish laugh*

Thanks for the supposrt everyone!
If not today, the update will be on Monday because I have a lot of work to do for Assyria.
Bah who am I kidding I can do a small update.

[Legio]

Chapter Three- Spoiled Perfection

After we took Pella and had sampled the hot springs, an emissary came from the nearby Macedonian city of Amphipolis.

Emissary: Hail, mighty Basileus!
Greek Bodyguard: Well, I only try my best...
Antigonos: I am the Basileus!
Greek Bodyguard: No, I am, look at my birth certificate! I am Basileus Antaeus.
Emissary: In light of your recent victories, Antigonos, the city of Amphipolis has decided to throw herself at your feet and beg for mercy.
Antigonos: Thanks for telling me. Now we can march on Pella.
Emissary: For a price.
Antigonos: Oh very well, and take some olive oil too. Troops, assembly in the plaza!

A sweaty Theurophoroi rushed in suddenly.

Sweaty Theurophoroi: Sir, the Macedonian Prince is alone in Thessaly without an army!
Antigonos: Perfect.


I hastily gathered my Spartans and some light troops, and attacked the Macedonian Crown Prince immediately.

I assembled my troops into a line and began my speech.

Antigonos: Men of Sparta!
Thracian Auxiliary 1: Mee from Szemfgugujnknp!
Antigonos: Men of Sparta and Szemfgugujnknp
Thracian Auxiliary 2: Ey! Me not from Szemfgugujnkp! From beeootifull city of Grimkasjhforsob.
Antiognos: Men! Attack!


Again he stood right next to a hill. Timoleon and I occupied with no problem and charged on his vulnerable flank.


Soon my Spartans joined the fray, whilst I retired to rest a while and enjoy the mountain view.


The coward broke and ran, with my whole army in hot pursuit.


Antigonos: Hey! Come back here!
Macedonian Bodyguard: No!
Antigonos: Why not? I have to kill you!
Anakreon: I just remembered it is the wife's birthday!
Antigonos: Godspeed, then! Men, we have won a great victory today, and the road to Pella lies open!

It was then that another emissary came to my camp.
Antigonos: I will not listen to you. Become my protectorate!
Emissary: Yes, sir, that is what we came here for. Please protect us, it is a big bad world, and I think there is a monster under the bed!

Antigonos: Very well then. On to Pella!....erm, to Thebes to regroup the troops!