Who? a Malikate of Sindh AAR

[Tarif]

Huzzah BC! This AAR will be played on M/VH because I'm not very good at M2TW. It will focus on the life and times of the perhaps forgettable Malikate of Sindh. I'm hoping this will be funny, if you want an example of other AARs I've done please check out The Taming of Mauretania (srs AAR), and Ramblings of the Bessoi (silly AAR). I'm not going to lie, the magnificent Turkish aar made me miss the silly way so many thanks to notenome for his indirect inspiration.

I'll make up house rules as I go. Please do not be offended by anything that's posted, I'm 'taking the piss' so to speak. So whether you are Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Wiccan, or a Scientologist...I love you, don't kill me for something I post. I don't think it will be an issue but you never know... also Hitler was a bad person and puppies are cute.

Now then!

TITLE

[Tarif]

Part 1, Where the heck are we?

The year is 1174. A small realm near somewhere looks to shape their destiny... The are the people of Sindh, the Sindhs...and they have the potential to be mighty.

Umer: Is that what we are called? Christ, the entire time I was calling everyone Malikates.



Advisor: No, that's your form of government, I think...
Umer: I rule Mali? Isn't that in Africa? I see some rivers here but I don't see any pharohs, so it can't be the Nile, right? Where the hell am I?


Probably not the Nile.

Genhra: What is that river called anyway?



Umer: No idea. Advisor, any ideas?
Advisor: Hmm...Oxus?
Umer: What?! Oxus?! Man, I don't rule over the river Cattle.
Genhra: Tiber?
Umer: Nah...too latin.
Advisor: Tigris?
Umer: No...too Muslim.
Genhra: Aren't we Muslim?
Umer: ****, I don't even know. Advisor?
Advisor: Not sure, your eminence.
Umer: Well do we have any mosques?
Advisor: Yes, but there's also a lot of people with swasticas drawn on stuff.


Members of the National Socialist party of Sindh

Umer: We're national socialists? I though you said were were Malis!
Advisor: I'm not sure anym--
Genhra: Does anyone know anything about this place?

Suddenly, a small figure appears in the doorway. It is maybe three feet tall, with green skin, pointy ears, and a tuft of grey hair on its head.



Small figure: heh..heh..Yoda, I am. Tell you about your realm, I will. Have the knowledge you seek, I do. First--
Genhra: JESUS CHRIST ITS A LEPER
Umer: KILL THE LEPER
Genhra: KILLLLLLL

And so Malik Umar never learned the truth about his kingdom.

Genhra: So...should we just make up something about this place?
Advisor: Indus! It's the Indus river!
Umer: Which river? There's like four. No, my advising friend, we shall call the river the Danube.
Genhra: Which one?
Umer: All of them. So. We now know some things about the Mali of Sindh. We--


The mighty Danube.


Also the mighty Danube.

Advisor: Malikate.
Umer: ..Malikate of Sindh. We are national socialists, and we're sort of Muslim. Sound good? Also we kill lepers.
Advisor: Um..
Genhra: Sounds great. Let's get trashed!
Umer: Beer run!
Advisor: Get me some Mike's!

to be continued...

[Kryzantine]

Very nice, reminds me of a play, Rhinoceros, when the French townspeople argue over the number horns on an Asiatic and an African rhinoceros, and which one they saw.

As for the actual story, awesome.

[Miraj]

This is going to be interesting. I played a Malikate of Sindh campaign on and off over the last week (mainly last night). It can be quite difficult, since you really feel like a small kid among giants.

[Tarif]

Part 2, Let's go exploring!

Advisor: Umer! I have a message from the nobles of Sindh!
Umer: Well? Out with it!
Advisor: They say if you take the city of Kolachee they will give you control of some of their armies!



Umer: Man, screw that. I'm in charge of this place, tell them to give me some troops before I decide to kill them.
Advisor: Sir, it doesn't work that way.
Umer: Damn. Where is Kohl's anyway?
Advisor: Six miles east, if you take highway 41 at the first right. Follow that until you see the mall.
Umer: *looks at advisor, confused* No...the city.
Advisor: Oh..um, just west of the west part of the west Danube.



Umer: Yeah...that's an awful lot of defenders. I'm going east, screw the nobles. We have enough money problems as is, don't need any more mouths to feed!
Advisor: Is that why you just hired some mercenaries?
Umer: ...shut up. Men, we travel east!

[Tarif]

Part 3, **** you Dora, exploring sucks!

Advisor: Sir, aren't you supposed to be moving east?
Umer: I would...but there seems to be an impassable expanse of desert. This is unexpected.



Genhra: Father! Perhaps build a fleet to sail to the other shore?
Umer: Can't...we lack the technology.
Genhra: This place sucks.
Umer: Yeah...so...
Advisor: I hear Kolachee is nice this time of year....
Umer: To Kohl's!

[notenome]

Great start, here be dragons killed me.

Happy to have inspired this, now where are my royalties mother****er?

[Miraj]

LOL. Here be dragons will save your ass from getting pasted in the first 20 turns by the Raj.

[Drtad]

You killed Yoda! Noooo!

[Son of Mao]

Great AAR!

[Miraj]

The root of the word "Malikate" for those who find this faction's name very weird: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malik

[Visitor13]

Small figure: heh..heh..Yoda, I am. Tell you about your realm, I will. Have the knowledge you seek, I do. First--
Genhra: JESUS CHRIST ITS A LEPER
Umer: KILL THE LEPER
Genhra: KILLLLLLL

And so Malik Umar never learned the truth about his kingdom.




Keep it up

[eggthief]

LOL. Here be dragons will save your ass from getting pasted in the first 20 turns by the Raj.

I just invaded India after I took all available rebel settlements in my Sindh campaign and I defeated the raj´s after years of struggles without getting kicked out of India once, So I´d say u remove the dragons anyway.

[Jwb187]

OMG...this is hilarious...LOL the Danube....Yoda...National Socialists..only in BC can all of these things be seen at once

[Jwb187]

OMG...this is hilarious...LOL the Danube....Yoda...National Socialists..only in BC can all of these things be seen at once

[Tarif]

Part 4, Poker and Quantum physics

And so Malik Umer and his army hung around outside the walls of Kolachee while the rest of his Malikate toiled on. During his downtime, Umer sent his cheif merhcant, Hamir the Flamboyant, to a get some silk going. Hamir, naturally, was excited.



Hamir: Fabulous! Silk!
Umer: Er...yes.

Finally Umer judged that the time was right to assault the city. Or rather, the people of Kolachee, sick of seeing them excluding from the games of Texas Hold 'Em (the Sindhi troops were damn good at this), decided to attack. Their supplies (of decks of cards) had long run out and they were restless.



Umer was a bit suprised at the sight of the enemy army. It was pretty crappy, basically. A few archers, a few national socialists, nothing special.





He and his cavalry made quick work of the enemy, and before anyone realized it, they were conquered and playing poker as if they were subjects all along.





Advisor: Sir, the nobles have given you more troops, as promised!
Umer: Proceed...what sort are they? Archers? Spearmen.
Advisor: No, milord...they gave you 200 boats.


Not spearmen.

Umer stares.
Advisor coughs.
Umer: Ships?!? What the hell am I supposed to do with ships? Beat my enemies with oars!?
Advisor: That might work actu---
Umer: No! No, it wont! Disband them right off. And use the wood to make something useful, like some gallows. Stupid nobles don't know anything about anyt---



Umer: I mean, uh, smart nobles don't know anything about...um...quantum physics...but...uh...they know everything else. Yeah.

The nobles took this to heart, and they have turned their attention to quantum physics. Rumor has it they are trying to build a machine that allows...well...that is for another time. As the nobles toil in secrecy, Malik Umer turns his attention to diplomatic affairs.
Umer: Genhra, send diplomats to our neighbors. We're dirt poor here and I'm sick of living like Bear Grylls.
Genhra: You live in a hotel?
Soldier 1: Heyyyyyoooo
Soldier 2: Burn!
Soldier 3: **** you, Bear Grylls!
Umer: No, I'm practically living in the wilderness here. If Bear Grylls actually did that I'd be like him.


Perhaps the most hated man in Sindh.

Genhra: Well anyway, no can do, we can't train any diplomats right now.
Umer stares.
Umer: Remember when I said my realm was terrible?
Genhra: Yes..
Umer: Well it just got worse.
Advisor: Not to worry, sire! Within three turns we can have a diplomat!
Umer: Turns?!?
Advisor: Uh..six months...uh..it's a Christian measurement.
Umer: Right then, three turns. I'll play poker till then.

[zznɟ ǝɥʇ]

Part 5, Diplomacy

Many games of poker later, a fine young diplomat was ready to travel the world. His name is Ali. Umer sends him north to see just who exactly is living up there.



It is not long before Ali reaches, Delhi, the capital (and only city) on the Chauhan Rajputs. He quickly meets with the Chauhan leader, Maharaja Prithviraj.



Ali: Greetings, friend! I come from the land of Sindh!
Prithviraj: *crying* My life is just a black abyss, you know, it's so dark...
Ali: Sorry?
Prithviraj: What do you want from me? My heart? You can't have it, it's already in a million little pieces..and black...like my soul.
Ali: How about trade rights instead?
Prithviraj: So you can break them like you'll break my heart?!?


Artist's depiction of Prithviraj

Ali: I'm not going to break your heart! Just give me some trading rights!
Prithviraj: Fine..but if you hurt me, I will leap, I will toss myself from these very cliffs and you'll never see it coming...
Ali: Why are you so depressing to be around? It's really annoying.
Prithviraj: It's the ... the Ghorids. They hate us. *sobs* They want us all do die...we're broken and beaten and poor and DEATH YOU ARE MY ***** LOVER
Ali: This is really despressing.



After this meeting, Ali is nervous at the thought of meeting the Ghorid leaders. But he ventures on--he is not weak like the emo kid! Before long he arrives at Lahore.

Ali: Hello...I am Ali, emissary from the Malikate of Sindh.
Amir Harum: Cheerio, mate! Welcome to Lahore! Isn't it such a wonderous day to be alive!
Ali: Uh..yes, yes it is. I'd like to stay alive too..
Amir Harum: What kind of talk is that, old boy! We're gentlemen here! Now then, what brings you to my humble quarters! Wait, before you answer that--care for some tea? It is midday already. I would be a terrible host if I did not offer you anything!
Ali: Do you have any green tea?
Amir Harum: Of course! *calls out* Milton! Would you be so kind as to get us two cups of green tea.
Milton: Scones as well?
Ali: Yes please.


Artist's depiction of Amir Harum

Milton bows and exits, then returns with the tea and scones.
Ali: Thank you!
Amir Harum: Now then, let us chat! Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and more besides!
*time passes*
Amir Harum: That was a delightful chat! Please do stop by whenever you are in the area! You'll find we are a civilised and cultured people!
Ali: Indeed, Ghorid hospitality cannot be surpassed! You are welcome to visit our lands anytime!



Ali now sets off towards India proper, but first stops by the Emo Rajput city...



Meanwhile, in Kolachee, Umer looks to expand in the north. The town of Sukkur is begging to be sacked.

Umer: Advisor, fetch my steed. We ride north!
Advisor: Here you are.



Umer: That's not a horse...
Advisor: No, it's an elephant.
Umer: Hell yes! I get to ride that?
Advisor: Actually, no, hardcoded thing, sorry. Here's your horse. But you get to have this thing fight for you.
Umer: Heck yes! To war! I'm gonna git you Sukkur!

[Drtad]

Emo Rajputs...

[AvdW]

LOL, '/wrists'

Funny AAR, this one! With your campaign on 'medium' I see a bright future ahead!

[AdmiringtheEnemyeh?]

LMAO! The Artist's depiction of Amir Harum killed me. Funny as hell.. nice job!