I'm the kind of person who lambastes movies that people consider good and who bloodily stab and mutilate any movie that are considered bad.

Like Cloverfield

Cloverfield is the brainchild of J. J. Abrams but upon closer inspection one would probably consider it the bastard child of Godzilla filmed by a schizophrenic starving person while overdosing on crack or something along those lines.

Now to JJ’s credit, he did direct Lost but only the pilot episode, which in my opinion was pretty ******. So with that in mind, let’s clarify something. First person action movies seem well and all IN THEORY but considering the industry's horrible experiences with these ****ers like Doom, I'd say that this is better left for video games. I mean, honestly, what could possibly be more idiotic than putting the camera in the hands of someone fleeing Godzilla while Godzilla is busy crushing cars and eating buildings? This movie combined the two most vomit inducing effects of camera usage: shaking it excessively and panning it around. And I guess while we're at it, we might as well include the problem that it just HAD to look "amateur" with a bunch of blurry shots and scenes of the cameraman’s feet. Honestly, this isn't some drive-by download of cheap porn, I paid money for this ****, and I expect good materials worth my money! It particularly annoys me that critics have been giving this movie favorable reviews about its "unique and outstanding camera effect". I’m guessing the only reason this is happening is because either these critics are blind or JJ’s been paying them a hefty royalty so he could continue making Lost.

Camera issues aside, you'd expect that this movie to at least have a decent storyline to make up for it. Unfortunately it tried to do so like a fat kid tries to not eat ice cream on his birthday while at the World Ice Cream Festival. The storyline was just... bad. It did nothing to develop the characters, which when they started dying one by one, I could care less. In fact, I was pretty much hoping they would die because no sane person would run toward a monster going ******* in a city. I pretty much decided to give up following the storyline about forty minutes in since the plotline was about as straight as the path of a drunk driver who's passed out at the wheel on the New Jersey Turnpike.

I mean fine, if you want the details, we spend about a third of the movie at a crappy party with a crappy camera man. Then the **** hits the fan as some Godzilla like… thing, shows up and starts tearing down Manhattan and I have a strong suspicion that this movie had copied all the September 11 videos, only dimmed them, turned the saturation toward yellow, and photoshoppped in some street lights for that scene. Then the plot takes a ninety degree turn from a monster survival movie to a love movie as the ruggedly handsome protagonist goes off and attempts to rescue his exgirlfriend that he was boning at the beginning of the film. Then everything takes a turn for the worse as they get attacked by some giant space pubic lice this monster’s dropping like Paris Hilton drops her knickers and one of the girls explodes after being bitten. After that, the movie just lapses into a disgusting display of Youtube style camera handling skills that would have made all the homemade movies by twelve year olds look like Steven Spielberg’s Saving Private Ryan or Schindler’s List.

Lastly, the movie doesn't even try to explain half of the stuff happening on screen and we're left feeling like we've been robbed of more than just the amount of money we spent for the tickets. I was honestly expecting something like a newscast at the end that summed up the story to give it a sense of... well, being a movie!

In short, this movie had a crappy storyline, an old washed out concept that died in the 50s for a good reason, and terrible camera handling. I wish the best of luck to J. J. Abrams since he'll be needing it running away from the lynch mobs soon.






OVERALL SCORE: 0/5