Part 19- Not quite Bismarck
Whereupon the wonderful world of diplomacy is visited
Narrator- After defeating the Abbassids, or as the Turks would say, skull ****ing them to within an inch of their lives, the Sultanate faced it's greatest challenge yet: peace. With all neighboring realms allied and no more conveniently placed rebel settlements, the Turks became lost. Thus began a period in the Sultanate's history commonly referred to as The Great Tedium, characterized by wasteful spending sprees, unit retraining and scams created to embezzle public funds out of sheer boredom.
Narrator- The main school of thought during The Great Tedium ran along these lines: If I can have one, then why can't I have five? So whereas before fat men with axes were still a relative rarity, now they became a staple of everyday Turkish city life, much like eating, sleeping and employing Omani migrant workers to clean toilets. Perhaps the best example can be found when the Turks finally decided to give the whole 'navy thing' a go. Their sole justification for this was 'well if the ERE has a navy, then I want one too. What, don't you love me anymore daddy?' thus establishing a precedent for all preteen girls who punked their fathers into buying them ponies.
Narrator- After learning that his governors were spending money like it was 1999 on ships he'd never use, a frustrated Kaikosru slammed his head with the palm of his hand and yelped 'D'oh!'. The court scribes, mistaking this as a sign of enthusiasm, thought it was a great name for a ship and the rest, as they say, is history.
Aleppo- 1194
Messenger- Sir, a letter from Vizier v2.0.
Kaikosru- Hmm...
Dear Sultan,
Progress on origin of mysterious plot item goes poorly. Vassalisation of Jerusalem by Ayyubids has led most priests to attempt to please their new masters by forgetting as much as they can of their religion, as quickly as they can. Fire has not helped refresh memory much, will begin trying acid soon.
Sincerly,
Vizier v2.0
PS: Due to slow progress, have had a lot of spare time. Have created a fictitious entity known as the Council of Nobles, composed of myself and several other noblemen who have all disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Raising funds by offering 'protection' to merchants. Funds are transfered to offshore bank accounts with the Knights Templar, who are unemployed due to aforementioned vassalisation. Funds are then deposited in Royal Treasury under the premise of being gifts from the Council of Nobles in 'appreciation' for the Sultanate's protection of merchants and their rights. Enjoy.
PPS: Have nothing to do with latest assassination attempt. Promise.
Narrator- Desperate to stop the rampant wasting of money by his people, Kaikosru created a new directive called 'True Turk, Global Citizen' as a means to stave off their boredom. This was an initiative that sought to kindle within the population a greater interest in global affairs. It was hoped that this would:
a) Give the Turks a greater sense of national pride as they noticed how much it sucked to be anyone else.
b) Divert attention from Vizier v2.0's pyramid schemes and racketeering.
c) Educate.
Narrator- The initiative focused on several key issues of the time. First was the phenomenon called 'The Great Pilling On The Abbassids'. The Abbassids were suffering from the 'Kaykaus Effect' whereupon anyone who fights against Kaykaus sees his military capacity go south. Sharply.
Narrator- Seizing upon the Kaykaus Effect, the Omani had attacked the Abbassids a half decade before. Shortly after the Ayyubids did the same. Then came the Seljuks. Clearly it was still an awesome era to be an Abbassid.
Narrator- Another focus of interest for the 'True Turk, Global Citizen' news bulletins was the Holy Land. There the Crusaders had founded the Ayyubid BFF Friends 4 Life Club. So popular was this club that another crusade was launched just so the oh-so-ironically named Richard the Lionheart could join the fun. Needless to say Barbarrosa was a charter member.
Narrator- Unfortunately for European sycophants everywhere, in 1197 the Ayyubids, themselves incredibly bored, decided the Abbassids weren't breeding fast enough. So they declared war on Makuria, ignoring the fact that Negus Malku was widely regarded as a bad ass mother****er. Unfortunately Jerusalem was allied with Makuria, which led to the end of their alliance with the Ayyubids. This led the Ayyubids to remove Jerusalem from its BFF list, which in turn left Barbarrosa and Richard heartbroken and placed the future of the Ayyubid BFF Friends 4 Life Club in jeopardy.
Narrator- As for Georgia, their leaders apparently went insane and decided it was a good idea to try and invade the Kypchaks. Unfortunately the Georgian build up on the border led to disaster as half their army decided they had a better shot of surviving by becoming traitors then invading a land filled with cannibals.
Narrator- Despite the best attempts of the 'True Turk, Global Citizen' Initiative, the people of the Sultanate continued to be epically bored. They began to chase the latest trends, then regret it one turn latter. Turkish style of dress declined rapidly and by 1198 they were wearing oversized sweaters with one shoulder exposed whilst listening to George Michael, Corey Hart and Duran Duran. In other words they had become a cultural vacuum that only 80s America was able to match. Kaikosru had had enough. The Sultanate needed a war, and quick.
Narrator- Unbeknownst to many, Vizier v2.0, whilst an understudy for the previous Vizier, had sent Khalil, the very diplomatic diplomat, to enter a secret treaty of non aggression with the ERE. So secret was this treaty that even Arslan didn't know about it, which again explains why he was so sadly ignorant. This had served both sides well while they were preoccupied elsewhere, but Kaikosru knew that any war with the ERE was preferable to the scourge of peace.
Narrator- The sole roadblock to war lay with the Ayyubids. Saladin had been allied with both the ERE and the Turks. Knowing that the first rule of international diplomacy was 'Don't **** with the Ayyubids', the Sultanate needed to enter a war with the ERE without directly attacking the Romans.
Narrator- To summarize all the politicking mentioned above, here's a helpful diagram:
Narrator- In this turbulent time, only one thing was certain: everybody hates the Abbassids. As for the Turks, Kaikosru dispatched Khalil to Constantinople. The first part went well enough.
Narrator- What had slipped the Turks attention, and they learned a few hours too late (isn't that always the case?) was that the ERE, being the douche bags that they are, had been waiting for an excuse to invade for some time. And now they had one.
Kaikosru- Whoops.