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Thread: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

  1. #121

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Part 19- Not quite Bismarck
    Whereupon the wonderful world of diplomacy is visited

    Narrator- After defeating the Abbassids, or as the Turks would say, skull ****ing them to within an inch of their lives, the Sultanate faced it's greatest challenge yet: peace. With all neighboring realms allied and no more conveniently placed rebel settlements, the Turks became lost. Thus began a period in the Sultanate's history commonly referred to as The Great Tedium, characterized by wasteful spending sprees, unit retraining and scams created to embezzle public funds out of sheer boredom.

    Narrator- The main school of thought during The Great Tedium ran along these lines: If I can have one, then why can't I have five? So whereas before fat men with axes were still a relative rarity, now they became a staple of everyday Turkish city life, much like eating, sleeping and employing Omani migrant workers to clean toilets. Perhaps the best example can be found when the Turks finally decided to give the whole 'navy thing' a go. Their sole justification for this was 'well if the ERE has a navy, then I want one too. What, don't you love me anymore daddy?' thus establishing a precedent for all preteen girls who punked their fathers into buying them ponies.



    Narrator- After learning that his governors were spending money like it was 1999 on ships he'd never use, a frustrated Kaikosru slammed his head with the palm of his hand and yelped 'D'oh!'. The court scribes, mistaking this as a sign of enthusiasm, thought it was a great name for a ship and the rest, as they say, is history.

    Aleppo- 1194

    Messenger- Sir, a letter from Vizier v2.0.
    Kaikosru- Hmm...

    Dear Sultan,

    Progress on origin of mysterious plot item goes poorly. Vassalisation of Jerusalem by Ayyubids has led most priests to attempt to please their new masters by forgetting as much as they can of their religion, as quickly as they can. Fire has not helped refresh memory much, will begin trying acid soon.

    Sincerly,

    Vizier v2.0

    PS: Due to slow progress, have had a lot of spare time. Have created a fictitious entity known as the Council of Nobles, composed of myself and several other noblemen who have all disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Raising funds by offering 'protection' to merchants. Funds are transfered to offshore bank accounts with the Knights Templar, who are unemployed due to aforementioned vassalisation. Funds are then deposited in Royal Treasury under the premise of being gifts from the Council of Nobles in 'appreciation' for the Sultanate's protection of merchants and their rights. Enjoy.

    PPS: Have nothing to do with latest assassination attempt. Promise.



    Narrator- Desperate to stop the rampant wasting of money by his people, Kaikosru created a new directive called 'True Turk, Global Citizen' as a means to stave off their boredom. This was an initiative that sought to kindle within the population a greater interest in global affairs. It was hoped that this would:

    a) Give the Turks a greater sense of national pride as they noticed how much it sucked to be anyone else.
    b) Divert attention from Vizier v2.0's pyramid schemes and racketeering.
    c) Educate.

    Narrator- The initiative focused on several key issues of the time. First was the phenomenon called 'The Great Pilling On The Abbassids'. The Abbassids were suffering from the 'Kaykaus Effect' whereupon anyone who fights against Kaykaus sees his military capacity go south. Sharply.



    Narrator- Seizing upon the Kaykaus Effect, the Omani had attacked the Abbassids a half decade before. Shortly after the Ayyubids did the same. Then came the Seljuks. Clearly it was still an awesome era to be an Abbassid.

    Narrator- Another focus of interest for the 'True Turk, Global Citizen' news bulletins was the Holy Land. There the Crusaders had founded the Ayyubid BFF Friends 4 Life Club. So popular was this club that another crusade was launched just so the oh-so-ironically named Richard the Lionheart could join the fun. Needless to say Barbarrosa was a charter member.



    Narrator- Unfortunately for European sycophants everywhere, in 1197 the Ayyubids, themselves incredibly bored, decided the Abbassids weren't breeding fast enough. So they declared war on Makuria, ignoring the fact that Negus Malku was widely regarded as a bad ass mother****er. Unfortunately Jerusalem was allied with Makuria, which led to the end of their alliance with the Ayyubids. This led the Ayyubids to remove Jerusalem from its BFF list, which in turn left Barbarrosa and Richard heartbroken and placed the future of the Ayyubid BFF Friends 4 Life Club in jeopardy.

    Narrator- As for Georgia, their leaders apparently went insane and decided it was a good idea to try and invade the Kypchaks. Unfortunately the Georgian build up on the border led to disaster as half their army decided they had a better shot of surviving by becoming traitors then invading a land filled with cannibals.

    Narrator- Despite the best attempts of the 'True Turk, Global Citizen' Initiative, the people of the Sultanate continued to be epically bored. They began to chase the latest trends, then regret it one turn latter. Turkish style of dress declined rapidly and by 1198 they were wearing oversized sweaters with one shoulder exposed whilst listening to George Michael, Corey Hart and Duran Duran. In other words they had become a cultural vacuum that only 80s America was able to match. Kaikosru had had enough. The Sultanate needed a war, and quick.

    Narrator- Unbeknownst to many, Vizier v2.0, whilst an understudy for the previous Vizier, had sent Khalil, the very diplomatic diplomat, to enter a secret treaty of non aggression with the ERE. So secret was this treaty that even Arslan didn't know about it, which again explains why he was so sadly ignorant. This had served both sides well while they were preoccupied elsewhere, but Kaikosru knew that any war with the ERE was preferable to the scourge of peace.

    Narrator- The sole roadblock to war lay with the Ayyubids. Saladin had been allied with both the ERE and the Turks. Knowing that the first rule of international diplomacy was 'Don't **** with the Ayyubids', the Sultanate needed to enter a war with the ERE without directly attacking the Romans.

    Narrator- To summarize all the politicking mentioned above, here's a helpful diagram:



    Narrator- In this turbulent time, only one thing was certain: everybody hates the Abbassids. As for the Turks, Kaikosru dispatched Khalil to Constantinople. The first part went well enough.



    Narrator- What had slipped the Turks attention, and they learned a few hours too late (isn't that always the case?) was that the ERE, being the douche bags that they are, had been waiting for an excuse to invade for some time. And now they had one.



    Kaikosru- Whoops.
    Last edited by notenome; January 26, 2008 at 01:50 PM.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  2. #122

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Have fun with the horde!
    Under the Patronage of the Honorable Bolkonskij

    Indulge yourself into discovering the race of the Turks that stormed the Oriental world and regained their honor from the despair of decay.
    The Expiation of Degeneracy-A Great Seljuks AAR at http://www.twcenter.net/forums/showthread.php?t=276748
    "By purple death I'm seized and fate supreme."- Julian the Apostate

  3. #123
    Kryzantine's Avatar Civis
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Those look like infantry-only.

    Awesome AAR, and really funny as well.

  4. #124

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    always look at the enemies armys!

    Nah this could be fun

    Crazy Danish Liberal In China

  5. #125

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    This is SERIOUSLY (heart attack serious) funny

    + REP!
    Go Minerwars Go! A 6DOF game of space mining and shooting. SAKA Co-FC, Koinon Hellenon FC, Epeiros FC. RS Hellenistic Historian K.I.S.S.




  6. #126
    kambiz's Avatar Ordinarius
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Hey it seems Dutche Bags want the war more than Sultanate ! as such a huge force needs a long preparation (At least for ERE). This massive force is enough to cover their entire Anatolian front ,It's almost an Heers Group. The only question is ,Who is their General der paznertruppe and how many Panzers they have ?

    Awesome AAR ,It's Painful I can't Rep you
    Keep it up mate
    Last edited by kambiz; January 26, 2008 at 03:54 PM.




  7. #127
    Nevada's Avatar Domesticus
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    this is great an i'm excited on how you'll deal with the ERE armies knocking on your door!



  8. #128

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    CONTINUE FOR THE LOVE OF THE SULTAN!


  9. #129

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    The Ayyubids and Jerusalem are no longer BFFs?! This is terrible D:

    I think those ERE stacks are joining the survivors club soon eh? XD

  10. #130

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    @ merlinuscdxx- Yes but at least we were smart enough to get out while the getting was good and not try to manage the monster we had created.

    @ kambiz- The ERE panzerarmee is led by several panzergenerals. Fortunately all greco-roman names are translated in Turkish to Douche Bag 1, Douche Bag 2, Douche Bag 3, Komemnus, Douche Bag 4 etc... Also they have one army in the north close to Sinop and one in the south close to Seleukeia. Fun times.

    @ Everyone else- Thanks for the kind words! Very flattering. Without readers there would be no Oh dear AAR.

    In celebration of this AAR crossing the 3000 views threshold, a short vignette will be posted in a couple hours when I get back (it is Saturday night, after all) After that Im gonna see how this war thing goes down. Then, if I can still keep my eyes open I'll start working on the war parts, though it might read kinda like "the ERE gone attack us defend good horse archer infantry dead Kaykaus badass mysterious object plot adggggghewdlk;eeic *snore*
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  11. #131

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    XD Even if it ends up with terrible grammar, an update wouldn't be bad XP But probably waiting and doing it properly would be better. Can't wait. Good job on the AAR, you're making me contemplate making one of my own. But you set a very high standard, I have low self-esteem, and I'm lazy.
    None of those are very good for me XD
    Last edited by Gnashfang; January 26, 2008 at 07:20 PM.

  12. #132

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Quote Originally Posted by notenome View Post
    @ merlinuscdxx- Yes but at least we were smart enough to get out while the getting was good and not try to manage the monster we had created.

    @ kambiz- The ERE panzerarmee is led by several panzergenerals. Fortunately all greco-roman names are translated in Turkish to Douche Bag 1, Douche Bag 2, Douche Bag 3, Komemnus, Douche Bag 4 etc... Also they have one army in the north close to Sinop and one in the south close to Seleukeia. Fun times.

    @ Everyone else- Thanks for the kind words! Very flattering. Without readers there would be no Oh dear AAR.

    In celebration of this AAR crossing the 3000 views threshold, a short vignette will be posted in a couple hours when I get back (it is Saturday night, after all) After that Im gonna see how this war thing goes down. Then, if I can still keep my eyes open I'll start working on the war parts, though it might read kinda like "the ERE gone attack us defend good horse archer infantry dead Kaykaus badass mysterious object plot adggggghewdlk;eeic *snore*
    well played sir, now if you can bash your way through "The Massengill Curtain" (aka "the wall of douche"), your acceptance into the EU is all but assured. LOL
    and I guess the bld you need for 1337 Panzers is the walls of Constantinople? Istanbul? your call (as it was for the Ottoman)

  13. #133

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Vignette 4- Rebel without a cause

    Kabul - 1194

    Kilij's Mother- What are you doing with your life!?
    Kilij- Damn mom, lay off for a bit. Can't you see I'm going through a funk?
    Kilij's Mother- A funk? You're just like your father! Never picking up after yourself, waking up in the afternoon, staying out late with your good-for-nothing friends. Boy you need some discipline!
    Kilij- Mooom!
    Kilij's Mother- That's enough out of you. From now on if you wanna live in this house you're going to work.
    Kilij- Mooooooooooom!
    Kilij's Mother- Not another word! Now get off your bed and start working
    Kilij- What do you want me to do?
    Kilij's Mother- What all good Ghorid boys do: Rape! Pillage! Murder!
    Kilij- Oh man mom, you just don't get it do you? War is like bad, it's the man, he's controlling our lives and he's sending us to war and like, that's bad.
    Kilij's Mother- Don't talk like one of those no good hippies *smack*
    Kilij- Ouch! Moooooooooooooom!
    Kilij's Mother- Now get going, and don't come back until you've murdered a hundred peasants. At least.
    Kilij- Man this sucks!

    Narrator- Thus began the story of Kilij of Kabul, rebel without a cause. Afraid of going back to his mother, he started the second longest journey of that time period (the longest being that of Khalil, the very diplomatic diplomat). His journey would take him from Afghanistan, through Persia, across Syria and into Anatolia. It is speculated that Kilij was hoping to trek across Europe until he reached England. The reason being that he wanted to go to London and see the Stones and the Beatles play live, since apparently they really 'got it' and were 'sticking it to the man'. No one had told him he was about 800 yeas too early. Regardless, he would never make it that far due to his fateful meeting with Malik, the bi-confused brother of Sultan Kaikosru.

    Ankara - 1196

    Malik- Oh goody visitors!
    Kilij- Hey man.
    Malik- Or woman.
    Kilij- What?
    Malik- May I interest you in some tea?
    Kilij- Sure, what's your name by the way?
    Malik- Loretta.
    Kilij- Loretta?? Do the Turks give girl's names to guys?
    Malik- No, I just chose this name since I want to have babies. I figure since you're a rebel and all you'd understand.
    Kilij- Yeah man society is ********. Its like they wanna put you in your place and control you man. If you let them then you're just another brick in the wall... wait, did you say you want to have babies?
    Malik aka Loretta- Yes I want to have babies.
    Kilij- *starts laughing* but you can't have babies!
    Malik aka Loretta- Why are you oppressing me? Its a fundamental right of every man to have babies! Don't tell me what I can and can't do. I thought you'd be different, being a rebel and all!
    Kilij- *laughing obnoxiously* Oh man this is crazy, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but its physically impossible for you to have babies.
    Malik aka Loretta- I'll show you physically impossible!



    Narrator- Thus ended Kilij of Kabul's journey, defeated by a man who called himself Loretta and wanted to have babies. Not exactly the proudest moment for the Ghorids.
    Last edited by notenome; January 26, 2008 at 10:14 PM.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  14. #134
    Turtules's Avatar Campidoctor
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!

  15. #135

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Kilij- *laughing obnoxiously* Oh man this is crazy, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but its physically impossible for you to have babies.
    Malik aka Loretta- I'll show you physically impossible!
    Lol Loretta owned him.
    Under the Patronage of the Honorable Bolkonskij

    Indulge yourself into discovering the race of the Turks that stormed the Oriental world and regained their honor from the despair of decay.
    The Expiation of Degeneracy-A Great Seljuks AAR at http://www.twcenter.net/forums/showthread.php?t=276748
    "By purple death I'm seized and fate supreme."- Julian the Apostate

  16. #136

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Part 20- All quiet on the Western Front
    Whereupon an Emperor's masculinity is threatened

    Narrator- The discovery of a full six roman armies in the foothills of western Anatolia provided a spark for the Sultanate. They quickly put down their Cyndi Lauper albums and waited for the coming storm. And waited. And waited. And waited...

    Aleppo - 1198

    Messenger- Sir a report of ERE troop movements during the past six months.
    Kaikosru- Let's see...

    January- ERE first army moved from foothills to nearby woods.
    February- ERE first army moved from woods to nearby foothills
    March- ERE first army moved from foothills back to Doryaleum
    April- ERE first army moved from Doryaleum to foothills on Turkish border
    May- ERE first army moved from foothills to nearby woods.
    June- Have stopped monitoring ERE armed forces and have started listening to Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Great tunes!

    Kaikosru- *sigh*. We need a plan...

    Narrator- Kaikosru had quickly noted that the Romans were also adepts of the first rule of diplomacy, "Don't **** with the Ayyubids". It would take more than just their natural penchant for douche baggery for a war to happen. It was time to consult Vizier v2.0.

    Aleppo - 1199

    Messenger- Letter from Antioch sir.
    Kaikosru- Finally!

    Dear Mr. K.

    Peace problem can be solved by demilitarizing border. Advise all troops to be pulled from Konya, Ankara, Sinop, Kirsehir and Karaman and stationed in Cillican Valley. Undefended settlements will prove too tempting a target for ERE to resist. Human loss will be great but goal of war will be achieved.

    Sincerly,

    Vv2.0

    PS: Have created new 'pension plan' for ghazi war veterans. Funds will be raised by taxing existing ghazi salaries. Sadly, due to a 'bureaucratic mistake', all ghazis on pension list have already died. Funds are transferred to offshore Templar account. Funds are then deposited in Royal Treasury by Council of Nobles in appreciation for the Sultanate's treatment of war veterans. Enjoy.

    PPS: Had nothing to do with the poisonous snake in Royal Bedroom. Honest.



    Narrator- Though he disliked the idea of leaving his entire western border unguarded, Kaikosru realized he had no choice. If he had to choose between risking his westernmost provinces or having half his sultanate listening to Celine Dion, he'd have to choose the less inhumane option and pull the troops back. On an unrelated note, another crusade was launched, rekindling hope that the Ayyubid BFF Friends 4 Life Club might make it after all.



    Narrator- Now all there was left to do was to wait for the attack... that never came. Between their first opportunity to expand in Anatolia in centuries and not ****ing with the Ayyubids, the ERE chose to not **** with the Ayyubids.

    Aleppo - 1120

    Messenger- *sings* Here I am, rocking like a hurricane!
    Kaikosru- *ahem*
    Messenger- ... uhm.... letter from Antioch, sir.
    Kaikosru- Give me that. And congratulations on your promotion to Royal Food Taster.
    Messenger- ...

    Dear Mr. K,

    Agents have discovered that
    in Eastern Roman culture trespassing is considered a direct offense to masculinity. Advise sending royal family members to continuously criss-cross ERE-Turkish border in full view of Roman armies. Alexius will have to choose between public emasculation or war.

    Sincerly,

    Vv2.0

    Kaikosru- Interesting...



    Constaninople - 1200

    Emperor Alexius- Kaikosru!!! This time you have gone too far! Assembled the army, we march to war!
    Royal Advisor- And what about the Ayyubids, sir?
    Emperor Alexius- My masculinity is at stake! We're just going to have to **** with them.
    Royal Advisor- Glad to see you've got your priorities straight...



    Kaikosru- Oh war, sweet war... how I've missed thee...
    Last edited by notenome; January 27, 2008 at 04:21 AM.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  17. #137

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Part 21- Total War
    Whereupon the ERE begin to feel the Kaykaus Effect

    Narrator- In order to defend Emperor Alexius's masculinity, the Romans sent three armies into the Turkish Sultanate. The first army marched towards Konya, the second to Ankara, the third into Cilicia. The turks, for their part, split their forces in four. The first army was to be lead by Malik, and was charged with relieving Ankara. The second army was tasked with taking Trebizon, the sole ERE possession in Northern Anatolia. The third army was headed by Kaykaus, charged with aiding the Roman soldiers with their Survivors Club membership. The final army was created at the last minute after the Turks realized that they had a navy and therefore could invade Cyprus.

    Narrator- Kaykaus was the first to draw blood. Intercepting the Roman army marching towards Cilicia, Kaykaus was determined to show the ERE just how major a mistake they had made. Instead of the usual horse archer swarm, he instead met the ERE with a sizable force of infantry.



    Narrator- It worked like a charm. Word spread like wildfire inside the Roman camp of ferocious fat men wielding gigantic axes that spat fire and spewed flatulence.



    Narrator- As for Malik, despite insisting to his troops that they refer to him as Loretta, he still faired well enough.



    Narrator- Not satisfied to simply crush the ERE armies in the field, Kaykaus continued employing tactics of psychological warfare when he met the third Roman army near Konya. This army possessed two units of Pelekyphoroi Axemen, native Varangoi who were considered supreme in hand to hand combat and unroutable... until they met the Tirpan Azaps, or as the soldiers of the ERE called them, The Flatulent Turkish Fat Men of Doom-oi.





    Narrator- The Great ERE-Turkish War of Emasculation was not fought only on land, however. Aside from Kaykaus's nuanced approach to psychological warfare both sides also raged propaganda and naval battles against each other. Of all these the Turks faired worst in the naval aspect of the war. Aside from successfully unloading troops in Cyprus, the Turkish navy's greatest accomplishment was an amazing track record of consistency. For it was consistently crushed by its Roman counterpart.

    Narrator- If the naval war proved to be a complete cluster**** for the Turks, then the propaganda department was the opposite, thanks to Vizier v2.0.

    Aleppo - 1121

    Messenger- Letter from Antioch, sir.
    Kaikosru- Let's see what he's up to now...

    Dear Mr. K,

    Have created ghost organization within the ERE called the Union of Concerned Soldiers. Main UCS priority is antiwar pamphleteering. Samples inside.

    Sincerly,

    Vv2.0






    Kaikosru- *grins*
    Last edited by notenome; January 28, 2008 at 11:16 PM.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  18. #138

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    oh my god it's so funny, where did you get all those ideas?

  19. #139
    Nevada's Avatar Domesticus
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    great!



  20. #140

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Ruunu3004- As I'm playing I come up with ideas, then after I'm playing I look at my screenshots and try to come up with ideas/coherent plot line for a few (like one out of every 10 screens get used). Then I try to fit those ideas within the framework of all the themes (mysterious plot item, survivors club, ghazi heaven, council of nobles embezzlement etc) and characters (vizier v2.0, Khalil, Kaykaus etc) that I've incorporated into the AAR. If a new idea seems to fit well, I develop into a theme (ie, expect more pamphlets). Then I write and rewrite and re rewrite until it almost doesn't suck. Then I click post. Then I notice all the spelling/grammar mistakes. Then I click edit.

    Oh yeah, if your having trouble coming up with ideas, read The Hitch hiker's Guide to the Galaxy and watch as much Monty Python as you can. That stuff is pure gold.
    Last edited by notenome; January 27, 2008 at 04:38 AM.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

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