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Thread: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

  1. #101
    Nevada's Avatar Domesticus
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    damned!
    this frickin great!



  2. #102
    Uandwhosearmy's Avatar Miles
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    This Vizier 2.0 fella seems like a real upgrade from his predecessor. Wise move indeed!

  3. #103

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    What, still no suggestions for a new title? Come now my children, put your brains to work!

  4. #104

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    The crazy world of the Turks ?


    Roma surrectum, the only real rtw experience

  5. #105
    Taneda Santôka's Avatar Artifex
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    How about

    "Oh dear - A Ghazis Cookbook, 1001 new recipes"?



  6. #106

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    This is a brilliant hilarious AAR,I havent stopped laughing. Well done.You have a talent, if you dont write for a living...you should

    Thanks been very entertaining

  7. #107

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Part 17- Abbasids? Mo' like Abba- *****!

    Narrator- With Arslan dead an' gone to Fugly Heaven, Kaikosru was the new sultan. Crown prince Kaikosru had shown remarkable skill during war and (oh so rare) peace. This posed a problem since Vizier v2.0 had been secretly running the Sultanate for almost a decade now. A clash seemed inevitable.

    Aleppo - 1189

    Vizier v2.0- Hello my sultan.
    Kaikosru- Ah Vizer v2.0, we meet at last.
    Vizier v2.0- Yes I have been eagerly awaiting this.
    Kaikosru- Let me thank you personally for the 'exotic tea' you sent me. I thought the arsenic was a nice touch.
    Vizier v2.0- Yes, I thought so too.
    Kaikosru- How do you like your new manservant?
    Vizier v2.0- Do you mean the one who was actually a hashashin trained from birth specifically to kill up-and-coming viziers?
    Kaikosru- Yes that one.
    Vizier v2.0- He had talent. Last I checked he was found floating in a drainage ditch somewhere in Konya. May I interest you in some date palms?
    Kaikosru- Sure *gives the dates to a nearby ghulam* Here try this.
    Ghulam- *eats the date palms* I uh... don't feel so... *starts vomiting* I can't feel my - *starts convulsing*
    Vizier v2.0- Hmm I guess they must have gone bad during my voyage here.
    Kaikosru- One can only suppose. Did you have a pleasant trip?
    Vizier v2.0- Quite nice yes. You can trace my path by the piles of dead bodies from my would-be-ambushers.
    Kaikosru- I'll make a note of it. So what brings you to Aleppo?
    Vizier v2.0- I'm sure you have realized that we have two options.
    Kaikosru- Either you kill me or I kill you?
    Vizier v2.0- Perhaps. I'm sure we could fight a bloody civil war and split the sultanate in two, if you wish it.
    Kaikosru- Are you forgetting who my son is? Kaykaus has become a positive bad ass. He's like the love child of Brave Heart era Mel Gibson and Pulp Fiction Samuel L. Jackson:



    Vizier v2.0- Precisely my point. Kaykaus is such a tough mother****er that you and I are practically irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. However, since he is so unquestionably loyal, he will remain your servant until you die. Unless you did something biblically stupid, like killing the man who revitalized our economy and got rid of our previous joke of a Sultan. No offense.
    Kaikosru- None taken. Its wildly known that my father was hopelessly ignorant and in general a grade-A douche bag.
    Vizier v2.0- Trust me I know. So if the Sultanate is to keep kicking ass and taking names, we're going to have to learn to... learn to... share.
    Kaikosru- Share? The thought of it makes me ill.
    Vizier v2.0- Tell me about it. You can keep administering the sultanate, I'm not needed for that anymore. I instead shall spend my time analyzing that little bauble of yours.
    Kaikosru- You mean the mysterious plot item?
    Vizier v2.0- Exactly.
    Kaikosru- Why do you want it?
    Vizier v2.0- Because everyone all around the world is going ape **** seven ways from Sunday over it. Matter of fact it seems that the only people on earth that don't know what the hell it is are... us.
    Kaikosru- I see your point.
    Vizier v2.0- I knew you would. Deal?
    Kaikosru- Deal.
    Vizier v2.0- So do you want to call off your assassins?
    Kaikosru- I don't know what you mean.
    Vizier v2.0- I mean the twelve men hiding in the shadows aiming bows at my internal organs.
    Kaikosru- I'll call mine off if you'll do the same with yours.
    Vizier v2.0- Fair enough.
    *Twenty-four darkly clad men exit the shadows all around the room*
    Hashashin- Aw shucks!
    Kaikosru- Well here you go *gives the mysterious plot item to vizier v2.0* Fair travels.
    Vizier v2.0- Same to you. Oh and I think the Abbassids are coming to visit.
    Kaikosru- I know, Kaykaus is on his way.
    Vizier v2.0- Is that really necessary? Knowing that the Abbassids are such gentle, sweet, trustworthy men?
    Kaikosru- I'm sure they're just here to do some bird watching.



    Abbasid commander- *ahem* Just moving along. Nothing to worry about.
    Kaykaus- Well then let me not be the one to stop you, I'd hate to keep you from where you're going.
    Abbasid commander- *aside* I can't believe they're buying it! Alright men, get ready to siege the city!



    Kaykaus- *tsk tsk* Too bold my friend, too bold.



    Narrator- The Turks were thrilled with their victory over the Abbassids, but what they didn't know was that Abassids breed like mother****ing rabbits. Three stacks became five stacks which became seven stacks, the Abbassids were pouring through the Sultanate's eastern frontier like Mexicans running the border.

    Aleppo- 1190

    Kaikosru- It's time we stopped playing nice.
    Kaykaus- I know.
    Kaikosru- You know what you have to do?
    Kaykaus- Yes father.

    Narrator- Meanwhile on the other side of the Anatolian Peninsula...



    Frederick Barbarossa- *whistles*

    Hey ho! Hey ho! Its war from home we go!
    Hey ho, hey ho, hey ho, hey ho!
    Hey ho! Hey ho! Its war from home we go!




    ** And now for a continuation of our previous segment, it's the Don't **** With the Ayyubids Report**



    Remember kids, stay in school and don't **** with the Ayyubids!
    Last edited by notenome; January 24, 2008 at 08:54 PM.

  8. #108

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Excellent AAR, you write comedy perfectly, it's amazing!
    Loving it,
    92% of people rip off this statistic signature. If you are one of the 8% who doesn't, put this in your signature.

  9. #109

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    So good dont ******* with the ayyubids.
    btw how many factions are you at war with?

    Crazy Danish Liberal In China

  10. #110
    The Sixth Wizard's Avatar Semisalis
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Tears in my eyes, sore stomach, this is genius. Makes me want to make an AAR. How do you take screenshots?
    Third Age: Total War! (!!!!)

  11. #111

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Part 18- What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
    Whereupon the Abbassids learn the true meaning of pain

    Narrator- With the Abbassids flooding the border and besieging Eastern Syria, the Turkish Sultanate sent everything it could to defend itself. Kaykaus assembled the troops in two distinct groups: The Ghazi All Stars, responsible for sieging cities and castles, and The Horsemen of the Apocalypse, responsible for killing everything in sight. The Ghazi All Stars were to be commanded by whoever drew the short straw before the assault was to commence (read: I auto resolved) whilst the Horsemen of the Apocalypse were to be commanded by Kaykaus himself.

    Narrator- The winter of 1190 saw Kaykaus conduct a defensive campaign in Syria, engaging the Abbassids in four decisive battles, and defeating them soundly. The remnants of the Abbassid armies fled to Mosul and quickly establish that castle as the headquarters of the Survivors Club.



    Narrator- Also in 1190 Crusaders decided enough is enough and submitted to Ayyubid rule.



    Narrator- So to recap, Barbarossa spent a fortune to raise an army, traveled hundreds of miles to reach the Holy Land and then promptly became Saladin's butt boy. Why do we care about this guy again?

    Narrator- ... *clears throat* Never mind.

    Narrator- Having defeated the Abbassid incursion into Syria, Kaykaus crossed the frontier in 1191 to punish them for doing something so epically stupid as attacking a player controlled faction. His plan involved taking six key cities and castles: Mosul, Samara, Hillah, Baghdad, Anbar and Wasit (that last one was only if he was feeling frisky, though). The Horsemen of the Apocalypse proceeding ahead of the Ghazi All Stars, crushing the slower Abbassid armies in the field.

    Narrator- So as to keep things on schedule, instead of detailing every individual battle fought by Kaykaus, a short summary is to follow. Apparently the Abbassid strategy was to simply breed as fast as humanely possible in order to counter the Turkish threat, which for all its flaws, did slow the Turks down a bit.



    (Author's note: I forgot to screenshot two particularly large battles so feel free to tack on some 3000 more dead Abbasids and some 250-300 dead Turks)

    Narrator- Over the course of these battles, the Turks lost a total of 648 men whilst the Abbassids lost 7784 men. Precise casualty figures for the Ghazi All Stars are unknown because, in Kaykaus's exact words, "They're Ghazis so who cares?" (aka I autoresolved). Prisoners were irrelevant because Kaykaus released all the ones he caught and the Abbassids never caught any. Coupled with the assaults by the Ghazi All Stars, two caliphs and three crown princes would fall to Turkish sword and bow. Truly a great time to be an Abbassid.

    Narrator- In non-military affairs, Kaykaus was wary of the Great Seljuks that bordered his newly conquered territories. He didn't have the troops to properly defend these regions and the Seljuks had a reputation for being insidious and untrustworthy. Actually they didn't, but since attacking the Turkish Sultanate was apparently the favorite pastime of Middle Eastern nations, he thought it would be best to be prudent. Khalil, the very diplomatic diplomat, recently returned from his world spanning voyage, was dispatched to the Seljuks to offer Samara in return for an alliance. They happily accepted only to find out that every building in the town had been razed. Whoops.

    Narrator- Perhaps the most important long therm development, aside from the reduction of the Abbassids to permanent third world status, was in Baghdad. After taking the city thanks to the Ghazi All Stars, Kaykaus noticed that the Abbassids had built sophisticated military buildings. This kind of warfare technology was completely unfamiliar to the Turks, who based their armies around fat guys with axes, bums with spears, suicidal religious fanatics and guys on horses... with bows. Kaykaus had his engineers build a replica of the bizarre Abbassid siege machines and trained a unit of ghazis to become a prototype for what would latter be the cornerstone of the Turkish Army...



    By 1193 Kaykaus had achieved all of his objectives (including Wasit, he had been feeling frisky). It was time to send Khalil in another diplomatic mission.

    Basra - 1193

    Khalil- I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.
    Recently Inaugurated Caliph- I suppose you're going to demand our vassalisation? The Caliphate will never submit to the likes of you, we choose death over bondage!
    Khalil- Oh don't worry, we're getting there. The Ghazi All Stars are outside the gates. Guess what they did to the last Abbassid Caliph?
    Recently Inaugurated Caliph- *gulp*
    Khalil- Regardless we don't want you to become our vassals.
    Recently Inaugurated Caliph- You don't?
    Khalil- No. If we vassalize you then we'd have to defend this sorry **** hole when the whole world comes down to grab a slice of Abbassid pie. Look outside your window, the Omani have already gotten started.



    Khalil- They may be a bankrupt country whose economy is based around begging, but they know dead meat when they see it.
    Recently Inaugurated Caliph- So what are your terms?
    Khalil- We'll give you Baghdad, Wasit, Anbar and Hillah back, or what's left of them anyways. I'll spare you the surprise, we've torn down every building and sold everything that wasn't nailed down. Actually we sold those too. And the nails.



    Khalil- You're going to pay us tribute for the next twenty years, but you probably won't last that long. If you do, then hell, we'll be so surprised that we won't care if you stop. For the rest of your life you're going to have to fight off foreign invaders to the North and East and in the West the former heartland of your kingdom will be a rebellious, ungovernable hell.



    Khalil- I'd say you brought this upon yourself but really there's two dead caliphs and three dead crown princes in between you and the idiot who was stupid enough to attack us. Now either your signature will be on this piece of paper or your brains, courtesy of the Ghazi All Stars. They're due to breach the walls in a couple hours.
    Recently Inaugurated Caliph- Do I really have a choice.
    Khalil- Not really, no.



    Narrator- Khalil wasn't kidding. Without killing a soul or even sacking the city the Turks had turned Baghdad, the former jewel of the Abbassid Caliphate, into a living hell for many, many generations...



    Narrator- Returning home a conquering hero, Kaykaus was widely seen as the most bad ass mother****er of all the bad ass mother****ers that had ever lived. Negus Malku didn't hold a candle to him.



    Narrator- As for the rest of the Turks, well they became rich. Very rich. Disgustingly rich. So rich their manservants had manservants. Who themselves had manservants, too.



    Narrator- Such wealth was not without unintended consequences, as the Turks began to slowly look like...





    this:

    Last edited by notenome; January 25, 2008 at 05:49 AM.

  12. #112

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    The Sixth Wizard- Just press 'print screen' and medieval creates a tga file. Download Irfanview and you can convert them to JPEGs. By the way I'd like to think that I had something to do with the comedic AAR boom on these forums... or maybe that's just me being a megalomaniac.
    Rex- With KOJ vassalized (still can't get over that one) and Georgia/Seljuks panic allied I'm actually at ... peace? Really the only way to not go crazy as the Turks is to ally EVERYBODY. Pay tribute, give a few settlements, do whatever it takes or else you're going to quickly fight a 368 front war. And definitely ally with the Ayyubids.

    EDIT: Ok I've been wanting to say this for awhile. If you see that I've recently updated. Please, please, please refrain from reading it right away. Wait fifteen minutes and then come back to it. It's become a tradition for me to include incredibly silly grammatical and spelling mistakes in the original posts, no matter how many times I review it before hand.
    Last edited by notenome; January 25, 2008 at 05:52 AM.

  13. #113
    Nevada's Avatar Domesticus
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    great thing and I really like the simpsons!



  14. #114

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)



    Oh my dear god


  15. #115
    Uandwhosearmy's Avatar Miles
    Join Date
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Wow. You really went to town when punishing those Abbasids! Poor, poor Abbasids. Wasn't it tough giving up Baghdad, that gold mine of a city?

  16. #116

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Quote Originally Posted by notenome View Post
    ....

    Turkish Scout- Sir, a force of heavy infantry has left Sis and is moving to retake Seleukeia.
    Kaykaus- Any heavy cavalry?
    Turkish Scout- No.
    Kaykaus- Any light cavalry?
    Turkish Scout- No.
    Kaykaus- Any archers?
    Turkish Scout- No.
    Kaykaus- Skirmishers?
    Turkish Scout- No.
    Kaykaus- Too easy.





    ...
    AHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

    and this http://www.twcenter.net/forums/showp...3&postcount=93
    is the best

  17. #117

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    originally posted by notenome
    Narrator- Having defeated the Abbassid incursion into Syria, Kaykaus crossed the frontier in 1191 to punish them for doing something so epically stupid as attacking a player controlled faction. His plan involved taking six key cities and castles: Mosul, Samara, Hillah, Baghdad, Anbar and Wasit (that last one was only if he was feeling frisky, though). The Horsemen of the Apocalypse proceeding ahead of the Ghazi All Stars, crushing the slower Abbassid armies in the field.

    Khalil- You're going to pay us tribute for the next twenty years, but you probably won't last that long. If you do, then hell, we'll be so surprised that we won't care if you stop. For the rest of your life you're going to have to fight off foreign invaders to the North and East and in the West the former heartland of your kingdom will be a rebellious, ungovernable hell.

    Narrator- Khalil wasn't kidding. Without killing a soul or even sacking the city the Turks had turned Baghdad, the former jewel of the Abbassid Caliphate, into a living hell for many, many generations...
    LOL...damn I didn't realize the Rum Turks were allied with the US Army...wait, the US is in this mod...why aren't they playable?...what year do they emerge? wat bldg i need 4 1337 tankz?

    Last edited by merlinuscdxx; January 25, 2008 at 02:27 PM. Reason: add on

  18. #118

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    XD Excellent as always.
    As for the name.. Just out of boredom.
    "A tale of unexpected inquisitions, bird watching and mysterious plot objects."
    Or maybe you could somehow include the Survivors' club XD
    But yeah, great job on the AAR. Keep it up.
    EDIT: Also. Your AAR is pretty much the main reason I visit this forum right now. XD I loved the part with the assassination war between Vizier 2.0 and Kaikosru.
    But yeah, all of it's great. Keep it up man. Like 90% of my posts on this forum thus far are on this thread XP
    Last edited by Gnashfang; January 25, 2008 at 05:11 PM.

  19. #119

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    More !!! I need more!!! This is more addicting than crack!

    No, really I love this AAR!

  20. #120

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Quote Originally Posted by stratesx View Post
    More !!! I need more!!! This is more addicting than crack!

    No, really I love this AAR!
    Yes, but is it better than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with some crack sprinkled on it?


    Well yeah I suppose it is
    I'm still Kung-Fu Bishes!


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