Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

[notenome]

@ Imperator- Hey man I'll take my jokes where I can get 'em.
@ Grand Viz- Thanks for letting me live. Appreciate it.
@ Everyone else- Thanks!

[GrandViZ]

I appreciate the effort, you put into your story. Great reading!

[Uandwhosearmy]

Great story you've got going here notenome. I can see myself coming back to this many a time for another laugh and cake... or death!

[notenome]

Interlude

Konya 1183

Narrator- Arlsan and Vizier v2.0 walk along the province's newly built paved roads while drinking tea.
Arslan- *sips tea* Wow these paved roads are really something, aren't they?
Vizier v2.0- Yes they are.
Arslan- How much did they set us back?
Vizier v2.0- Oh I don't know... a little under five grand.
Arslan- *spits tea* Five grand? That's half our budget!
Vizier v2.0- But notice how nice and symmetrical they look!
Arslan- For five grand they could have been paved with solid gold!
Vizier v2.0- We have to wait until Large City for that upgrade.
Arslan- How did this happen? Was it the union? Did TUDROBU hike up the prices on us again?
Vizier v2.0- No.
Arslan- Then who?
Vizier v2.0- The Spanish Inquisition.
Arslan- The Spanish Inquisition? I didn't expect them.
*Dramatic Music*
Spanish Cardinal- Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

[Gnashfang]

LOL!!
The Spanish Inquisition! I never expected that.
Now that was something. Freaking great man, keep it up XD

[notenome]

Vignette 1- The Kypchak Contract

Author's note: To prevent rampant part inflation, certain story bits will now be labeled as vignettes.

Narrator- The Kypchaks were a people rightly feared throughout the Muslim world. This was largely due to their slightly antisocial tendency of eating any foreigners they came into contact with. History knows of only one turk that managed to enter Kypchak territory and leave undigested: Khalil the very diplomatic diplomat.

Sarkel - winter 1180

Khalil struggles through a curtain of snow when he starts seeing signs that the Kypchaks passed through recently: mutilated bodies, pyramids of skulls, hanging corpses and tidy well kept shrubberies. In the distance there are some tents and plumes of smoke. Khalil enters the camp.

Khalil- Hello brave, Kypchak warriors. I am Khalil, a representative of the Turkish Sultanate. I have come to establish trade relations and exchange ma-
*The Kypchak warriors file out of their tents. They begin licking their lips in anticipation. One of them takes out a jar of barbecue sauce and starts glazing Khalil with a little brush*
Khalil- Many thanks for your generous hospitality, kind sir! Let it never be said that Kypchaks are not civilized people when you so readily bathe your guests with these exotic oils and scents.
Kypchak warrior *starts measuring Khalil's biceps and poking his ribs* Ya ya, not much meat on dis vone ya ya.
Khalil- Yes, I must admit that my long travels have left me a little bit meager, but you needn't worry yourselves about that.
*A Kypchak warrior begins to rhythmically pound Khalil's back with his fists*
Kypchak warrior 2- Time to tenderize ze meat, ya!
Khalil- Whaaaat aaaa deliiiightfulll massaaaageeeeeeeeee!
Kypchak commander- Ya ya mus make de preparrrrrations forrr dineeer ya ya.
Khalil- Oh how wonderful! You are having me for dinner?
Kypchak commander- Ya ya ve are having you vor dinner ya.
Khalil- And what, may I ask, is on the menu for tonight?
Kypchak commander- Vhy it iz you ve are having vor dinner ya. *All the Kypchaks laugh*
Khalil- *goes pale* You are planning to eat me?!?
All the Kypchaks- Ya.
Khalil- *high-pitched panic voice* But you can't do that!
Kypchak commander- And vhy not?
Khalil- Because... because... uh... Because I have herpes! If you'll eat me you'll get stomach herpes, and you don't want that, do you?
Kypchak commander- Stomach vherpes? I don't know vhat that iz...
Random Kypchak soldier- Ya my cousin got vhat vrom a Georgian he ate last vear. He neverrr recovvvered *sniff sniff*.
Khalil- Yes it is a horrible horrible illness, a plague so terrible and foul you'll wish you'd never been born.
Kypchak commander- Hmm... so if ve don't eat you, vhat shall we do then?
Khalil- Interact diplomatically?
Kypchak commander- But that is vhat ve vere doin, ya? Kypchak diplomacy involves eatin ze diplomat ya?
Khalil- Here just sign this and I'll be out of your hair, ok?
Kypchak- Ya ya, okay. Off you go vhen. Safe travels and stay varm, ya?
Khalil- Godspeed.

[Victus Sagrada]

Interlude

vizier v2.0- No.
Arslan- Then who?
Vizier v2.0- The Spanish Inquisition.
Arslan- The Spanish Inquisition? I didn't expect them.
*Dramatic Music*
Spanish Cardinal- Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

It's good to be the King... of AARs

[Imperator of Rome]

Lol cannibal Kypchaks and the Spanish inquisition,lolzers,you get rep

[Aetius]

May your AAR never be forgotten, let its epicness reign throughout the ages.

[notenome]

Part 12- Over Enthusiasm

Narrator- In order to deal with the Crusader threat in Northern Syria Kaikosru marshalled the Turkish army to meet the forces of Jerusalem on an open plain near Antioch. The Turks had been expecting the enemy to be led by Guy de Lusiagn, or perhaps Reynald the Chatillon or maybe even Balian of Ibelin. But instead Guy had seen fit to send the Kingdom's sole battle hardened army under some guy named Marcel, a local drunkard with a heart of gold.

Narrator- The crusaders, for their part, had expected the Turkish army to be led by Kaikosru, but the troops decided they liked his 19 year old son, Kaykaus, best. And with good reason, as this guy was a badass. Watching Kaykaus was like watching the first Die Hard movie, you just knew you were seeing a bad mother****er in the making.



Kaykaus- Do you know why we are here today? Do you know why, within moments, we will be here, on these sands, clashing against the infidels? The answer is that these are Turkish sands! This is our home! This land is our land, and we shall never surrender it to the crusaders...
Marcel- So uh... hey guys... yeah like, that's a pretty big army they got there huh? *phew*...
Kaykaus- If you came here for yourself, in search of treasure or fame, leave now. Go back to your home. If you came here against your will, leave now. Go back to your home. If when the battle begins, you're courage will falter and you shall fear death, leave now. Go back to your home...
Marcel- So ... uhm... if we all try hard and, you know, make a good showing of it, maybe they'll like us and they won't execute the prisoners...
Kaykaus- If you choose to leave, you may live today. And you may grow old. But you shall know, that during the one chance, the one chance, you had to defend your countrymen, you fled and abandoned them...
Marcel- I mean, I know that half their army is made up of those horse archer guys and we have no fast cavalry to catch them and in this heat our armor becomes a huge disadvantage...
Kaykaus- But if you choose to stay, if you choose to fight, for the rest of your lives you shall hold your head up high and say proudly "When my country called, I did my duty." And men will travel far and wide to ask you of this battle, and to bask in your glory....
Marcel-... 'cause it's not winning that counts, it's trying your best...
Kaykaus- I have made my decision. There's the enemy. They outnumber us two men to one. I shall not flee, I shall attack. Who is with me!? Who shall go with me!? Follow me, men! Follow me to VICTORY!
Marcel- Oh **** they're attacking... gotta go!
Turkish soldier- I'd follow him to the gates of Hell!
Jerusalem soldier- I never thought I'd die like this...



Narrator- After suffering a crushing defeat at Kaykaus's hands the surviving Jerusalem troops fled into Armenia. There they met up with Louis de Brie and his surviving troops from a previous excursion he had led against the Turks. They quickly formed the Survivors Club, which was kinda like the Mickey Mouse Club. Except that whereas the latter launched regrettable careers, the former ended them.

Narrator- Kaykaus met the forces of the Survivors Club at a river crossing in Armenia. Little did he know that the events he would witness there would change his life... forever.



Narrator- The battle was quick and one sided, as had become par for the course when the forces of Jerusalem and the Sultanate met. Towards the end Kaykaus noticed that a member of the Jerusalem Guard was motioning wildly and yelling, apparently trying to get his attention.



Jerusalem Knight- Stop! I must speak to Kaykaus! It is of the utmost importance.
Kaykaus- Ha! Coward, you dishonor your fallen brethren with your unmanliness.
Jerusalem Knight- It concerns your father! Please you must listen to me.
Kaykaus- My father? What do you know of my father?
Jerusalem Knight- He has with him a holy relic, please you know not what you do.
Kaykaus- Are you referring to the mysterious plot object?
Jerusalem Knight- Yes! There is a reason why it was never to leave Antioch. Please you must listen to me!
Kaykaus- What is your name Knight?
Jerusalem Knight- My name is Kenny.
Kaykaus- Why would you come all this way to help me, your sworn enemy?
Kenny- What I do I do not for the good of Jerusalem, but for the good of all mankind. God never intended the Holy-
Overzealous Bodyguard- You have poisoned the Sultan's ears long enough, coward. Now you will die! *crush*
Kyle- Oh my god they killed Kenny!
Kaykaus- You bastard!



Kaykaus- Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!





Aren't cliff-hangar endings cool?

[Rextherock]

I am laughing so much right now...

[AlphaDelta]

LMFAO. What else can I say?

[Uandwhosearmy]

I think people at work might find it disturbing that I'm snickering loudly... Thanks for another great update!

[Nevada]

this is really great, I rarely laughed that much!
(and I needed that, i write french tomorrow, yes i already learned like hell^^)

[boerekovic]

Regretable careers
That Picture
A well built plot as bonus

God this rocks.
also i knew he would die when he said his name was kenny

[Commander Ruunu]

That was so funny that i fell of my chair! Don't stop this AAR, it brings sunlight to my life (it's winter here and i hardly see sun because of clouds)and to everyone else too

[SNIGEL]

This is almost to funny for me!

[Imperator of Rome]

Lol,this is ridiculous.

[BNS]

Omfg
Id rep you some more if I could !

[notenome]

Vignette 2- Show me the money.

Narrator- Continuing his journeys through the Middle East Khalil, the very diplomatic diplomat, encountered the Omani, a people whose most distinguishing characteristic was being dirt poor.

Hormuz - 1181

Khalil enters the Omani city. It's buildings are dilapidated, there are no livestock in sight, all the residents are lying about in the street holding little tin cups.

Omani beggar 1- Alms, alms for the poor.
Khalil- There you go, good sir. Now may I ask-
Omani beggar 1- Holy **** everyone, this guy has... money!
Omani beggar 2- He has teeth too!
Omani beggar 1- How did you do that?
Khalil- Do what?
Omani beggar 1- Acquire money!
Khalil- I uhm... you know, have a job.
Omani beggar 2- You have a job? I thought they were extinct!
Khalil- Of course they're not extinct! Employment is the cornerstone of every economy. I'm sure there are many people within the great Imamate of Oman who work.
Omani beggar 1- Actually you'd be incorrect there.
Khalil- Then how does your economy function?
Omani beggar 1- Well you see Omani provinces are so poor that we did not have the funds necessary to create the buildings and infrastructure that would be necessary to employ our growing population. As the population grew the strain on government to provide basic services and amenities increased, which forced it to tax the population more, which in turn forced more people into poverty. Pretty soon we all became beggars. As a result we have created a new economic system, called beggarism. Basically we just lie around and beg each other for the dwindling resources of our society. Our future is bright!
Khalil-...
Omani beggar 1- So what brings you here anyway?
Khalil- Trade and maps.
Omani beggar 1- Can't help you there, our country no longer has anything of value.
Khalil- Well if we sign this free trade agreement you'll have the option of becoming migrant workers in the Turkish Sultanate. I hear we have a shortage of toilet bowl cleaners and cannon fodder....
Omani beggar 1- That would be.... paradise.