Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

[Imperator of Rome]

LOL,Malik is a fag now huh??=)

[Bernem]

i had a great time reading this AAR! +rep

[notenome]

Thank you all for the nice words.

As for the same old same old units, I was on the cusp of getting some tier 3 niceness when patch 1.05 came out. Now I understand that some factions may have been incredibly rich and all that, but the Turkish Sultanate was definetly not one of them. I'm pouring every cent into building + money buildings, especially when you consider that a tier 3 barracks costs over 4k, which is half of what I have to spend on a good turn. Roads went from 400 to 2400!! I'm gonna have to start outsourcing or something. Matter of fact this will probably be revisited in a future part. Like soon. Like real soon. *hint hint*

As for Malik aka Loretta, being emo overrides gay since it implies being so completely self obsessed that you effectively become asexual. When I saw the description for the trait I immediately thought 'cheap and easy update'.

[boerekovic]

Yeah the patch is killing me, this is my 3rd newstart

[spooksman]

WEll if thats the case, my soon to be new Omani campaign will have one hell of a tough journey ahead...

The 1.0 patch as Abbasids has spoilt me...i was bathing in gold lol

[Gnashfang]

XD Funny as always.
I love that one post with the part from the life of Brian.

[k_161]

WEll if thats the case, my soon to be new Omani campaign will have one hell of a tough journey ahead...
The 1.0 patch as Abbasids has spoilt me...i was bathing in gold lo

I'm getting owned in my Omani campaign :/.And i was just complaining about how easy the Abbasi campaign was ><.Careful what you wish for.. .

[notenome]

Part 9: Patch woes

Arslan walks along his once great palace which has been stripped empty of everything that wasn't nailed down. Looking down he sees an extremely thin man dressed like a bum clinging to his leg. He is trying to eat it.

Arslan- Ok, what the hell is going on here?
Vizier v2.0- What do you mean?
Arslan- What do I mean? Look all around yourself! What is happening to my sultanate!
Vizier v2.0- Are you asking me why our cities are in a state of disrepair, and our people starving?
Arslan- Yes!
Vizier v2.0- Are you asking me why our farms lie desolate and our buildings crumble?
Arslan- Yes!
Vizier v2.0- Are you asking me why I'm having to send my wife out at night in 6 inch clear heels just to make ends meet?
Arslan- ... yes?
Vizier v2.0- Oh that's simple, we're in a recession.
Arslan- *slaps vizier v2.0* I know that idiot! But how did we get here??
Vizier v2.0- Divine Intervention.
Arslan- What?
Vizier v2.0- I've made a diagram to help illustrate the situation. It's a very technical work of theoretical economics but I'll walk you through it.



Vizier v2.0- You see, ever since the divine intervention occured, the amount of win in our economy has fallen drastically. Curiously the amount of fail has simultaneously risen just as fast, as my second diagram sho-
Arslan- I don't have time for this! Why did this happen?
Vizier v2.0- Well you see Allah is great. Allah is merciful.
Arslan- So why did he do this?
Vizier v2.0- Well because we have recently discovered that Allah has another side to him: Mirage41.
Arslan- Mirage41 is Allah?
Vizier v2.0- For our purposes, yes. He has absolute power over our lives.
Arslan- And why has he done this.
Vizier v2.0- Well let's look at the Hindus. Their god Shiva creates and destroys the world in a perpetual cycle. We believe Mirage41 acts in much the same way. He has given us all we see and hear, but recently he has taken much of it back.
Arslan- And what have been the full effects of this divine intervention?
Vizier 2.0- A world in crisis. Everything has become more expensive, corruption has become rampant, previously inexorable fountains of wealth have run dry. And if that wasn't enough, he's even made people less likely to want to have babies.
Arslan- *snicker* apparently not Malik...
Malik aka Loretta- I heard that! *starts crying*
Arslan- So Mirage41 is the one that made dirt roads six times more expensive than they were before?
Vizier v2.0- Actually that was the Turkish Dirt Road Builders Union, or TUBROBU. They striked and we had to give them a raise.
Arslan- Bastards! Regardless, why would he do such a thing? How could he ever be so cruel?
Vizier v2.0- I don't know, I just don't know.
Arslan- Gah! Well I'm not gonna sit around while this bum chews my leg.
Vizier v2.0- Actually that's one of the five Frontiermen that managed to get back from Aleppo alive. Don't worry my lord, its a common mistake to confuse Frontiersmen with bums.
Arslan- Oh.... Well you must find a way out of this! If you can't solve this problem quickly I'm dipping you in honey and sending you to the Kypchaks.
Vizier v2.0- *gulp!*

Narrator- Desperate for a solution, Vizier v2.0 decides to consult the wise men of the kingdom.

Wise Man 1- 42
Wise Man 2- Preposterous!
Wise Man 1- I assure you it is not!
Wise Man 2- Are you telling me that 42, forty two, is the number of licks required to reach the chocolate filled center of a tootsie pop?
Wise Man 1- It has to be. 42 is the answer, we all know that. Since solely one great question remains unanswered in our time, 42 must therefore be the correct response.
Wise Man 2- Preposterous!
Wise Man 1- Is not!
Wise Man 2- Is to!
Wise Man 1- Is not!
Wise Man 2- Is to!
Vizier v2.0- Wise men, the sultanate needs you! We are in a recession! What should we do?

Both wise men pause and stare at vizier v2.0.

Wise Man 1- The secret to getting out of a recession is simple. Utilize public sector spending to spur domestic demand. It doesn't matter what you do, just spend money, pay people to do silly artistic things, it doesn't matter.

Narrator- Thus began the era in the Turkish Sultanate known as the New Deal. Here is its best known artistic work, a mural called Death of a Ghazi:



Narrator- Needless to say, the New Deal failed miserably. In its stead was implemented the Newer Deal, which sought to build watchtowers as a means of employment.



Narrator- When the Newer Deal didn't pan out, Vizier 2.0, desperate to avoid becoming another Kypchak delicacy, implemented the Newest Deal, which involved building markets, roads and economic infrastructure.



Narrator- This actually worked... go figure. The improved economic outlook of the sultanate prevented Vizier v2.0 from being sent North for/as dinner, which made him happy. But it made the Kypchaks very sad. They were heartbroken.

[Miraj]

I assure you my little turks, twaz not me! It was the evil god of economic balance "GrandViz"! It is written.

[Imperator of Rome]

Hehehe,keep it up note.

[notenome]

For some reason my pictures for the last update aren't showing... you all get a full refund...

Edit: wierd, they're showing now...

[Victus Sagrada]

hahaha nice, what a great surprise. Keep up the good work!

[notenome]

Well I was planning on updating this AAR with two new parts but my image shack account went kaboom for some reason and I can't create a new one... Anyone have any alternate image hosting sites they'd like to suggest?

[Bernem]

try http://photobucket.com/

[notenome]

Part 10: Oh the places you'll (not) go
Whereupon the mystery of the origin of Ghazis is revealed

Narrator- Having brought eastern Syria under his control and with a revitalized economy, Arslan found himself in a bind. The empire could expand in every direction, but after Aleppo the once proud Turkish military was composed almost entirely by the royal family, their bodyguards and a handful of malnourished cripples.



Narrator- Taking on the ERE, Armenia or Georgia was unfeasible given the Turkish military (or lack thereof). The rebels on the Syrian-Iraqui border would be easier to conquer, but that would bring the sultanate to the edge of the Abbasids, a dicey proposition. Antioch posed a similar problem, being not only well defended by the renegade Bohemund but also on the border with the Kingdom of Jerusalem. The sultanate needed to catch a lucky break, with or without Allah/Mirage41's blessing.

Guy de Lusignan- We've got the Ayyubids to our east and south and the Turks to the north.
Baldwin IV- I know.
Guy de Lusignan- And that's just in our immediate vicinity. Further inland there are hostile Muslim realms in every direction.
Baldwin IV- I know.
Guy de Lusignan- The fate of the Kingdom of Heaven lies upon a knife's edge. We must tread carefully in these waters, the slightest mistake could lead us to our doom.
Baldwin IV- I know.
Guy de Lusignan- That's why I decided to attack Antioch! What better way to ensure long term security and stability then to invade the only other Catholic state in the Middle East? Now aren't you glad you married your sister to a genius such as me?
Baldwin IV- *resigned* I suppose there's no way this can be stopped, right?
Guy de Lusignan- No sir! John de Ibelin is already on his way with the army.
Baldwin IV- *sigh* I just hope my disease kills me before I have to watch idiots like you destroy what's left of my kingdom.

Narrator- Jerusalem's assault failed but Bohemund was severly weakend. Seeing this opportunity, Kaikosru rushed to seize the opportunity at hand.

Aleppo 1181

Kaikosru- This is our only chance! Assemble the army!
General- This is the army.
Kaikosru- Where? I don't see anyone.
General- Exactly, sir. We don't have an army.
Kaikosru- Sonofa*****! I didnt want to have to do this but I guess I have no choice... Step back, this is an ancient and secret Turkish ritual from our steppe Forefathers.
*Kaikosru mumbles some gibberish he made up on the spot, gets two bags of gold containing 750 florins and throws them on the floor. A cloud of mist rises from the cracks of the castle floor, then dissipates revealing 450 ghazis. The money is nowhere in sight*
Ghazi- Yo.
General- So that's where Ghazis come from...

Siege of Antioch - 1181

Bohemund- My whole life I have devoted to protecting Antioch. Do you know why?
Crusader- Because you are a noble man of virtue and integrity?
Bohemund- ******* that son! Id much rather have been chasing tail back in Occitania than living in this hell hole. And I was in my prime... *misty eyed* Ahhh... her name was Brunhilda. She was twice as tall as me and had hair on her back. Perfection.
Crusader- The point being?
Bohemund- The point being that the reason I've never left Antioch is that this city must not fall. What I am about to tell you is a secret that was told to me by the last defender of this city, and you must swear not to tell another soul.
Crusader- Sure.
Bohemund- Within this city's walls lies a holy relic of immense importance and it must not fall into the wrong hands. Do you understand?
Crusader- Yessir. What is this relic?
Bohemund- Hell if I know, but the guy before me told me it was important so it must be true.
Crusader- Okaaaay....
Bohemund- Now come with me as we sally forth to meet the Turks.
Crusader- But I thought we were to defend the city and the holy relic?
Bohemund- Exactly! And what better way to defend the city then to rush out in a disorganized manner and abandon our fortifications?
Crusader- I dunno... standing our ground and manning the defensive emplacements that we built for just this reason?
Bohemund- Pussy.



Narrator- The battle, while small in scale, was intensely violent. Bohemund fell alongside his troops and all 450 ghazis died and went to heaven. Kaikosru then began the process of looting Antioch, a process that ended up taking a very long time since it was just him and ten bodyguards, the rest of his army having died.

Kaikosru- What's this?
Bodyguard- Careful sir it could be a trap.
Kaikosru- It's so... beautiful, I've never seen anything like it.
Bodyguard- Neither have I, sir.
Kaikosru- I'm taking this with me. Something tells me this item will be of immense importance to all Turks someday....



What's that Jerusalem army doing so close to Antioch? Find out in the next installment of this AAR!

[Imperator of Rome]

LOl,you like taking hits at the ai do you?

[notenome]

Part 11- Armenians are mean men.
Whereupon the origin of Tirpan Azaps are revealed

Narrator- The capture of Antioch proved to be a huge boon to the Sultanate. The royal coffers swelled greatly and for a brief instant the Turks were the richest realm in the known world. It didn't last very long because they quickly spent most of the money on rims, but it was nice while it lasted. Eager to secure his precious city from attack, Arslan dispatched whatever troops he could muster to Antioch in small detachments through the back roads of the sultanate.

Aleppo-Antioch road 1182

Relief column soldier 1- Oh look everybody, Armenians!



Relief column soldier 2- What the hell are they doing all the way out here?
Relief column soldier 1- Maybe they came to bring us cake, being the nice, kind, warm hearted people that they are?
Relief column soldier 2- Moist and delicious cake?
Relief column soldier 1- Certainly!



Routing Relief Column Soldier 2- The cake is a lie!

Narrator- Stunned by the treachery of the Armenians, and the absence of cake, the sultanate went into another crisis. The army was in no state for a war, and desperate times called for desperate measures...

Redah Idn Eies's Shisha Bar - Konya 1182

Turkish Military Planner- *cough cough* Dude I got it!
Turkish General- You've got what?
Turkish Military Planner- The answer, man. The answer.
Turkish General- The answer, to what?
Turkish Military Planner-- To our problems, man. To like, all our problems.
Turkish General- We have problems? ****, I thought it was all like, Hakkuna Matata and stuff...
Turkish Military Planner- Well you know how we're at war with the Ar-, the Armean, the uh...
Turkish General- The Armenians? We're at war with them?
Turkish Military Planner- Yeah we're at war with the Mean Men so-
Turkish General- Damn I totally forgot about that. Whoops! *laughs uncontrollably*
Turksih Military Planner- Well anyways we're in this war and we have like this problem cause we don't have any men that can actually fight left in the kingdom right?
Turkish General- *still chuckling* ...can't believe I forgot we were at war....
Turkish Military Planner- So like my idea is why don't we get all the fat guys and give them like, these big axes. Ever since the recession everyone's been talking about 'the fat cats' and how 'we've been getting fat' and all that, so like I figure we gotta have a lot of them around.
Turkish General- Dude you're like... a genius or something *snore*

Narrator- And thus the Tirpan Azaps were born



Narrator- Meanwhile in Jerusalem, Guy de Lusiagn speaks to King Baldwin IV whilst a thunderstorm rages outside.

Guy- My king, every day I can only think of how I was a fool to attack Antioch. I weep at all the lives I've wasted and how I facilitated the capture of the city by the heathens. So I have decided to set things right!
Baldwin IV- Oh god no, please don't. Just don't do anything ok? Please?
Guy- Do not worry my king, I fully recognize that I was wrong to attack other Christians. We must defend our brothers in Christ, not fight them. Even now Armenia fights courageously and honorably against the minions of Satan by ambushing small unsuspecting detachments of Turks and slaughtering all those they catch prisoner. This has inspired me to repent for my sins by sending our sole remaining army to attack the heathens in Syria.
Baldwin IV- Alright THAT'S IT, I give up *limps out into the thunderstorm* Why God why? Why do you torture me so? Just strike me down, send down the thunderbolt and shuffle me loose from my leper coil! I can't take this **** anymore... *starts crying* where did I go wrong... where did I go wrong?

[boerekovic]

Its delicious cake, you must eat it.

Very Nice, laughted all the way. its filled with jokes and gags

Tirpan means Sickle in Turkish

[GrandViZ]

GrandViZ: WHO IS IT, THAT CHALLENGES MY BALANCE?
Busy-as-a-bee: His name is notenome, Your Excellency.

GrandViZ: HE TRIES TO BE FUNNY!!!
Busy-as-a-bee: Is that a crime, Your Excellency?
GrandViZ: ON MY COSTS.
Busy-as-a-bee: Oh, yeah ... hum ... What shall we do with him, Your Excellency?
GrandViZ: SLICE AND DICE HIS WORTHLESS BODY, AND FEED THE SCAVENGERS WITH IT.
Busy-as-a-bee: *Gulp*
GrandViZ: WHAT ABOUT HIS FAMILY?
Busy-as-a-bee: *Gulp* His family, Your Excellency? I mean, he was just trying to entertain the court with his tales, and now we talk about scavenger food ...
GrandViZ: DO YOU TRY TO FOOL ME?
Busy-as-a-bee: No, Your Majesty, eh Excellency ... I was just thinking to myself, that a motion of mercy, would heighten your glory more than ... bloody revenge. Forgive me, Your Excellency.
GrandViZ: AND?
Busy-as-a-bee: And, Your Excellencies' mother would not be very amused to lose her most beloved jester ... again.
GrandViZ: Busy-as-a-bee. ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF MY MOTHER?
Busy-as-a-bee: NO. NO. Your Excellency, I was just analyzing the situation as you asked for it.
GrandViZ: YOU BETTER DON'T!
Busy-as-a-bee: *bows*
GrandViZ: HOWEVER, YOU HAVE A POINT HERE. GO, AND TELL THAT USELESS SCUM THAT HE CAN PROCEED WITH HIS TALE. DESPITE EVERYTHING IT AMUSES ME.

[spooksman]

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