Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

[BNS]

Hass-ant bin Laid
Keep it up !

[Imperator of Rome]

LOL,Confused soldier 2- Well in actually the modern day Eastern Roman Empire has a direct and continuous lineage to the ancient Roman Empire, which was split in two by Theodosius I. As such and due to the fall of the Western Roman empire the Eastern Roman Emperor is effectively a Roman emperor residing in Greece. To call him the Greek Emperor of Rome would therefore be folly since he does not control the actual city of Rome-
Kaikosru- Wha? I mean? ... GAH! This man knows too much of our enemies affairs. DIE!
haahhhahah.

[Nevada]

yes, it's really great!

[Gnashfang]

XD That's funny stuff. Excellent job man. I lol'd at that one post with Kuchuk of Ganja ((That's especially good from me right now, since laughing hurts my chest/stomach. So that was win)) Keep it up!

[The Mongol]

Best. AAR. Ever.

[notenome]

Part 6: Not quite Hannibal, either

Narrator- After his initial conquests, Arslan decided it was time for a bold military maneuver. He would take the city of Malatya, while his son would depart Sivas and perform an arch along the Sultanate's eastern frontier, capturing Diyarbakir, Mardin, Edessa and Aleppo, thus bringing the borders of the Turkish Sultanate to the shores of the Euphrates and Tigres rivers.

Narrator- As the descendants of nomads and steppe tribesmen, city warfare was still an unknown quantity for the turks. Their enemies, seeking to exploit this, applied a wide range of cunning battle tactics in the defense of their settlements, almost all of which ended in abject failure.

Malataya 1177



Surprised Ghazi 1- You know all things considered, this is going pretty well.
Surprised Ghazi 2- Yeah.
Surprised Ghazi 1- They even stopped firing arrows.
Surprised Ghazi 2- Yeah.
Surprised Ghazi 1- Wonder why....
Surprised Ghazi 2- Dunno
Surprised Ghazi 1- Guess we must have caught a lucky break.
Surprised Ghazi 2- Suppose so.

Meanwhile inside the city walls...

Bored Militiaman- *whistles* Damn I'm bored.
Scared Militaman- What? Would you rather be getting hacked to pieces right now?
Bored Militaman- Awww, is the iddy biddy liddle militiaman scared?
Scared Militaman- Me? No, I'm not scarred, I just happen to believe, when I'm being beseiged by a vastly superior force, that every breath I take is a bonus.
Bored Militaman- You are sooooo scared!
Scared Militaman- Am not!
Bored Militaman- If you aren't scared then prove it. Come on, I dare you! Here we'll all go with you, you just have to show that you're a man.
Scared Militaman- I am so not falling for that.
Bored Militaman- Chicken! *makes chicken noises*
Scared Militaman- It's not happening.
Bored Militaman- Well I'm glad the truth finally came out. I've known you all my life but I never figured you to be such a pussy. The things you learn about men in the course of battle...
Scared Militaman- That's IT! Now you went too far mother *********! CHAAARGE!!!
Bored Militaman- Peer pressure, gotta love it.



Not so surprised Ghazi 1- Oh that's more like it.
Not so surprised Ghazi 2- I always loved you man!
Arslan- *sigh* You know, its stuff like this that takes the challenge out of conquest.
General- Need a hug?



Routing Militiaman 1- *panting* ARE YOU HAPPY NOW MOTHER *********? REMIND ME TO NEVER, EVER LISTEN TO YOU AGAIN!
Routing Militaman 2- Yeah but you have to admit it was pretty funny while it lasted.
Recently deceased Ghazi 538986- Honey I'm home!
Not so recently deceased Ghazi 1- Welcome guys! Make yourselves at home. *sings* Ah Ah Ah Ah Stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Ah ah ah ah stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiveeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Diyarbakir 1178

Rebel captain- So what's the situation?
Rebel advisor- We're outnumbered 2 to 1.
Rebel captain- Crap.
Rebel advisor- All is not lost my liege. Fully half of the turkish armies consist of mounted horse archers, unsuitable for seige or shock situations. As long as we restrict the area of battle to a limited amount of space and deploy our vastly superior foot archers to the walls, we can nullify Kaikosru's numbers advantage.
Rebel captain- Interesting. I shall ponder upon what you have told me...

A few hours latter...

Rebel captain- I've got it! First, we shall deploy all our troops to our walls and in front of our gates...
Rebel advisor- Good...
Rebel captain- Then, as soon as the enemy break through with their battering rams, we shall all run like hell to the castle center and stand our ground against concentrated missile fire! It's flawless!
Rebel advisor- ... *sigh* I tried. I really tried.



Rebel captain- This is going great!
Rebel advisor- If I didn't have a half dozen arrows piercing all of my internal organs in alphabetical order, I swear I would kill you right now.



Edessa 1179

Rebel commander- To defeat the Turk, you must understand the Turk. I have studied the sieges of Diyarbakir, of Malatya, of Sinop and of Marden and I have come to realize the flaw in their defenses. They placed their heavy infantry at the gates, then quickly pulled away once a breakthrough was achieved. I, however, shall do the opposite. We shall stand our ground at the gates, thus restricting the Turks area of movement within our city walls. And instead of utilizing heavy infantry, I shall place my four units of lightly armored horse archers who are entirely unsuitable for defensive situations at our gates. My plan is brilliant! It can never fail!



Recently deceased Rebel captain- Where did we go wrong?
Recently deceased Rebel commander- I don't know man, I just don't know...

[notenome]

Hello all.

Patch 1.05 is coming out soon, which puts me in a bit of bind as to whether to continue this AAR or jump ship and start a new one. Thankfully, since my game is still fairly 'young', per say, I'm going to attempt to recreate the AAR time line up to this point. If all goes well with my (a)historical recreation there should be two new updates latter today/tommorrow:

Part 7: ERE Douche Baggery

Part 8: When Horse Archer's Attack

[karo]

If it doesn't work to recreate the story start with an other faction because your AAR rocks funny like hell

[notenome]

Yeah if it doesn't work I'm going to start a new AAR tentatively entitled:

'Enjoy it while it lasts: A Khwarezm Shah AAR'

[Gnashfang]

Whichever one you choose, I'm looking forward to it! Very funny stuff mate.

[k_161]

Patch or no patch i had a lot of laughs :>.Nice work

[spooksman]

Your AAR has me grinning from ear to ear, man!

much much appreciated for the work and wit you put into this!

[Imperator of Rome]

Rebel commander- To defeat the Turk, you must understand the Turk. I have studied the sieges of Diyarbakir, of Malatya, of Sinop and of Marden and I have come to realize the flaw in their defenses. They placed their heavy infantry at the gates, then quickly pulled away once a breakthrough was achieved. I, however shall do the opposite. We shall stand our ground at the gates, thus restricting the Turks area of movement within our city walls. And instead of utilizing heavy infantry, I shall place my four units of lightly armored horse archers who are entirely unsuitable for defensive situations at our gates. My plan is brilliant! It can never fail!
LOOOL

[notenome]

Ok first things first,

Thanks to all of you for your compliments, it's very flattering and motivating. I'll try to keep updating but during the week I'm probably going to be very busy, so we'll see what happens.

Secondly, good news! I was able to fully recreate my AAR (with some minor wrinkles) to 1180 (another marathon gaming session). Khalil, Arslan and company are all where they're supposed to be, and I'll try to make one or two new posts tonight.

[notenome]

Part 7: Maybe he's just confused?

Konya 1180

Arslan- Many lands have I conquered during my rule, but it is not by conquest alone that sultans are judged. As such I have written a series of edicts, to be set in stone and placed in all the cities of my empire. These shall be known as the Edicts of Arslan the Great!
Vizier- You mean Arslan the Fugly?
Arslan- One more word and you'll be our next 'envoy' to the Kypchaks. Apparently the last one had marvellous judgement, if not particularly good taste.
Vizier- *whistles* I... uh... have a .... food in the ... oven. Gotta go!
Arslan- That's more like it. *clears throat* My first edict is that it is the inalienable right of every man-
Malik- Or woman
Arslan- ...to rid himself-
Malik- Or herself
Arslan- ... enough corrections ok son?
Malik- Or daughter
Arslan- ... *nervous cough* ... so, uh, where was I? ... It is the birthright of every man-
Malik- Or woman
Arslan- Why don't you shut up about women Malik? I can't even remember what my damn edict was.
Malik- Women have a perfect right to play a part in our society, father.
Arslan- Why are you always on about women?
Malik- .... I want to be one.

-dead silence-

Arslan- What?
Malik- I want to be a woman. From now on I want you to call me Loretta.
Arslan- WHAT???
Malik- It's my right as a man.
Arslan- But why, why would you want to be Loretta, Malik?
Malik- I want to have babies
Arslan- *shrieking* You want to have babies?!?
Malik- It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Arslan- But you can't have babies!
Malik- Don't you oppress me!!! *runs out of the room crying*
Vizier- Congratulations on being the first sultan in history to have an emo for a son.
Arslan- I hope Kypchaks like the taste of vizier.
Vizier- *gulp*




It's an AAR and bug report thread too!

[notenome]

Part 8: When Horse Archer's Attack
or
When Blitzkrieg Goes Horribly Wrong

Narrator- One last task stood before Kaikosru and his sweep through the rebel controlled lands east of the Turkish Sultanate- Aleppo. Unlike other settlements, Aleppo had a large military force led by the renegade general Mustafa. With almost a thousand horse archers under his command, Mustafa was not afraid to meet Kaikosru on the open desert outside the city walls.

Kaikosru- Arrange the army in the following layers: Mounted Javelinemen, Mercenary Camel Riders, Horse Archers, Infantry, Archers, Me.
Mustafa-Arrange the army in the following layers: Horse Archers, Horse Archers, Horse Archers, More Horse Archers, Infantry, Archers, Me.



Narrator- Mustafa was every bit as brilliant a general as Kaikosru, and therein lay the problem. Both men designed the exact same battle plan. They would seek to engage their enemy's horsemen and then encircle and destroy them utterly. The battle quickly disolved into encircling the encirclers that were encircling the encircled troops that killed off the enemy they had previously encircled.



Narrator- And then encircling them again.



Narrator- Perhaps a diagram would help?



Narrator- Then end result of this lengthy and comically redundant exercise was that after a few hours, 99.9% of all troops on both sides were dead.





Narrator- Victorious but suddenly a very lonely man, Kaikosru sent the meager remains of his army back to Ankara to be retrained. Just their luck that while passing through Amasia they were hit by an earthquake that killed off a full third of their numbers. (Author's note: yes this ******* really ********** happened)



Meanwhile in Heaven....



Not so recently deceased Ghazi 1- HOLY *******! Ok everyone, listen up please, file forth in an orderly manner, can I have stabbings to my left, piercings to my right, tramplings up front and center, that's it, thank you, keep moving, keep moving....
Not so recently deceased Ghazi 2- Aleppo? Pffff! Mo' like A-rape-o
Not so recently deceased Ghazi 1- *groan* If I could only have killed you when I had the chance...

[Manco]

Pure genius, My housemates probably think I'm crazy laughing out loud.
You've set a very high bar for anyone trying a funny AAR.

[Little Legionaire]

LOL,Confused soldier 2- Well in actually the modern day Eastern Roman Empire has a direct and continuous lineage to the ancient Roman Empire, which was split in two by Theodosius I. As such and due to the fall of the Western Roman empire the Eastern Roman Emperor is effectively a Roman emperor residing in Greece. To call him the Greek Emperor of Rome would therefore be folly since he does not control the actual city of Rome-
Kaikosru- Wha? I mean? ... GAH! This man knows too much of our enemies affairs. DIE!
haahhhahah.

lol it was freakin awesome. You cracked me up man

[AlphaDelta]

Excellent AAR. You definitely have the right attitude towards your Ghazi's!

[boerekovic]

This is awesome ,but remember that you wont live too long if you stop.
EDIT:
so youre continuing as the Turks?
When you get some other units?