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Thread: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

  1. #181
    k_161's Avatar Miles
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Rofl @Salamish xD.Great update : >.


    "No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity. But I know none, and therefore I am no beast"

  2. #182

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    This AAR is ****ing ridiculous,good update.Lol history coming from behind.
    Under the Patronage of the Honorable Bolkonskij

    Indulge yourself into discovering the race of the Turks that stormed the Oriental world and regained their honor from the despair of decay.
    The Expiation of Degeneracy-A Great Seljuks AAR at http://www.twcenter.net/forums/showthread.php?t=276748
    "By purple death I'm seized and fate supreme."- Julian the Apostate

  3. #183

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    very good and funny, dont stop writing

  4. #184

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Awesome AAR mate, funny as hell so keep writing

  5. #185

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Part 25- Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
    Whereupon narrative structures get broken

    In this installment, instead of the usual narrative structure that has become standard for the AAR, we (that's the royal we, by the way) will be using a third person, stream of thought, player point of view style of narration. Consider it part of my plan to reinvent the AAR experience and thus achieve world domination. Rest assured, this is a one time only event. All your favorite characters will be back in the next part. Except Khalil, 'cause he died (I'm still bummed out about that).

    Our first stop is outside Nicaea, where a half stack of ERE soldiers are cornered at the top of a mountain by Gunduz.



    Multiple Choice Question - What will the AI army do?

    (A) - Pull up to higher ground and fill me with arrows whilst I exhaust my entire army trying to reach them?
    (B) - Stay put
    (C) - Suicidally charge my army composed almost entirely of horse archers giving up the defensive advantage of occupying higher ground.

    ...

    If you chose option C, congratulations! You're correct.



    Friendly fire, once again thou art my greatest enemy.



    With that little disturbance out of the way, its on to Nicaea! And once again I forego the sensible option (sieging and building equipment) and instead decide to rely on my catapults. Chalk that up as major **** up #1, kids.



    Hey, after my last siege experience, can you blame me for being careful? A couple of minutes fly by and the gates are down. Onwards to slaughter...



    **** me... more walls. And I'm almost out of rocks. (**** up #2). Only one way out of this... I'm gonna have to bum rush the gate.



    Gunduz beats my army to the punch, but I'm not about to charge him into the entire enemy garrison. Best to just tuck him away by the walls. Sure there's only one way out but the AI seems hellbent to get as much of its army into the keep asap, so what's the worse that could... ****, are those spearmen charging my general? (That's **** up #3, folks). Thankfully I manage to get him out of there intact, though just barely.



    Run fat ass, run!



    Predictably enough, the ERE throws three heavy infantry units at me as soon as my soldiers start coming through the gates. This is the avoid at all costs scenario for the Turks, you never want to get into a confined infantry slugging match with the ERE. If those soldiers don't start routing soon, I'm going to be up the proverbial creek without a paddle. Time to send in the Heavy Cav...



    God bless you ghulams. God bless your tiny little hearts. Now that I'm in, its time to put the troops on the walls and start luring the enemy out with horse archers.



    And the AI bites the bait. Three units of heavy infantry, the general, one unit of levy spearmen and one unit of elite emperor's guard infantry. I send what's left of two tirpan units plus ghazis at the emperor's guard. That should be enough.. right?



    Wrong... (and we're up to #4). That leaves me with one unit of tirpans plus two units of frontiersmen vs three units of ERE heavy infantry and 1 levy spearmen. There's only one way out of this mess... I gots to kill their general. Thankfully he obliges.



    Not satisfied with crushing fully half of my infantry, the emperor's guard starts climbing up the walls to say hello to my crossbowmen... who are completely undefended (#5).



    The crossbowmen start getting the hell outta Dodge, and I send the ghulams to charge the engaged ERE infantry. Hopefully that combined with their general's demise will make them rout. If they don't, I'm ****ed.



    Every time they do that, an angel gets his wings... After chasing the routers down, its time to concentrate what's left of my infantry to face the goddamn emperor's guard whilst wheeling the cav around the back so they're in position to charge. Thankfully I'm a good multitasker so I can keep an eye on everything, hell I don't even need to zoom the minimap in. Which reminds me, I should take a picture of the ghulams as they're waiting in position...



    Son of a *****! (#6... we're going for the record tonight). 'Tis a charge or be charged world, I guess.



    Not so funny when it's happening to you, huh mother****er? With the emperor's guard gone, it's time to mop up with some good 'ol fashioned horse archers. The AI sends its last full stack out in pursuit...



    Victory seems certain, eh? We'll see about that in 5...
    4...
    3...
    2...
    1...



    With the Spathatoi out of the way, its time for that oldest of MTW2 rituals: the town square massacre.



    Closer...



    Just a little closer...



    A few more steps...



    And... scene! Numbers definetly don't tell the whole story for the battle, I could have lost during at least a half dozen instances... That's what I get for being so spoiled by Kaykaus.

    Then again, to the victor goes the spoils...



    As the great Kazakh philosopher/investigative journalist Borat would say, "Wa-wa-wee-wa!"
    Last edited by notenome; January 31, 2008 at 11:43 AM.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  6. #186

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    AI got definitely too predictable in your ARR your tests are too easy ^^. keep up the GREAT work funny as hell

    (looking at the 'handsome' trait it seems you effectively removed Arslan's DNA pool (fugliness) from your dynasty ^^)
    True men don't do what they like. Men get wives and jobs to keep them from what they like.

  7. #187
    Nevada's Avatar Domesticus
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    I like that chapter, but I don't like the new stile, the old one was better



  8. #188

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    ohh, i liked the Narrator more .
    nonetheless, this is for the win.


  9. #189

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Great update as always note!

    I'm sad though because a mod (NobleNick) made me change my sig b/c it said ******es in it.

    So....what do y'all think of my new one?

    ps: I liked your narrative style for that one. It was a good change of pace.
    Last edited by Victus Sagrada; January 31, 2008 at 09:02 AM.
    I'm still Kung-Fu Bishes!


  10. #190

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    *ahem* For everyone that's saying how much they prefer the old narrative structure:

    Rest assured, this is a one time only event. All your favorite characters will be back in the next part.
    In other news, I'm going on vacation until Feb. 8th. I'm posting one more part today before I go, and then no updates 'till the 9th. Until then, I suggest satisfying your AAR cravings with the other fine AARs on this forum. If that's not enough here are links to 3 of my favorite comedic AARs of all time. though I don't know how funny they will be if you're not familiar with Paradox Interactive games, (Crusader Kings, Europa Univresallis, Victoria etc...)

    The Deconquista: A Granada AAR

    Kamrat Kim Kommer Krossa Kapitalisterna! - A Swedish/North Korean Juche AAR


    Real Men Do it Alphabetically

    The first is obviously about Granada reconquering the Iberian Peninsula. The second is about Kim Jon Il building a time machine and using it to turn Victorian Sweden into a juiche communist state. The third is about a guy who decided Crusader Kings was too easy, so he was going to conquer the world taking every single province in alphabetical order. All 1000+ of 'em.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  11. #191
    Atterdag's Avatar Tro og Håb
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    The Deconquista is one of the greatest AAR's out there!
    Granted Lettre de Marque by King Henry V - Spurs given by imb39
    Сканија је Данска

    عیسی پسر مریم گفت :' جهان است پل ، عبور بیش از آن است ، اما هیچ ساخت خانه بر آن او امیدوار است که برای یک روز ، ممکن است برای ابدیت امیدواریم ، اما ماندگار جهان اما ساعت آن را صرف در دعا و نماز برای استراحت است نهان

    All of the Balkans is not worth the bones of a single Pomeranian grenadier.
    Otto von Bismarck


  12. #192
    Indefinitely Banned
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    I love this!

  13. #193

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Please use old syle. It was better.
    In tribute to concerned friends:
    - You know nothing Jon Snow.





    Samples from the Turkish Cuisine by white-wolf

  14. #194

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Quote Originally Posted by white-wolf View Post
    Please use old syle. It was better.

    GAH! People, once again:

    Rest assured, this is a one time only event. All your favorite characters will be back in the next part.
    Would bold obnoxiously large font with red lettering help?

    Rest assured, this is a one time only event. All your favorite characters will be back in the next part.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  15. #195

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    You're going on vacation?...

    No more AARS till Feb 8th?...

    Come on everyone, give that sad puppy look!

    /me gives sad puppy look

    In all seriousness, I thought the narrative was a nice change of pace but halfway through, I kid you not but I started missing the ghazis, kaykaus and the ever-crafty Vizier 2.0. Its a compliment to your style and the personality you've put into your chars.

    I WISHED MY CAMPAIGN IS AS INTERSTING AS YOURS!

    Raise High the Black Banners of the True Caliphate!
    -The Abbasid Caliphate of Broken Crescent Mod for MTW II. RELEASED!

  16. #196
    Turtules's Avatar Campidoctor
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    No!!!
    puppy face

  17. #197

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Hold on their fellas, the last pre-vacation AAR is on the way. ETA roughly 1-2 hours (depending on how quickly I can make a coherent storyline out of this mess).
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  18. #198
    Indefinitely Banned
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    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Can't wait!

  19. #199

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Part 25- Pirates! Crusaders! Robots! War! Peace!
    Whereupon this AAR goes postmodern.

    Narrator- With Nicaea in Turkish hands, Kaykaus felt sufficiently confident in his son Gunduz to put him in control of all Turkish forces operating in Western Anatolia. In other words, Kaykaus put 3 Turkish armies in the hands of an 18 year old, much as his father had done with him almost two decades before. In other words, two years ago Gunduz was wearing baggy jeans and listening to rap. Now he was commanding the most successful military machine in the world. ******.

    Narrator- For his part, Gunduz knew that the war was ending. By 1204 most of the Anatolian peninsula was Turkish, and the focus now shifted to exploiting the Turks considerable gains before the diplomats stepped in. The following campaign in southern Anatolia was widely considered a 'mopping up' operation. Nevertheless two themes made it memorable: The implementation of bizarre formations for no apparent reason...



    ...and the comical incompetence of Turkish siege engine operators.



    Narrator- By winter all of Anatolia was under Turkish rule except for Nicomedia. With deranged crusaders on their way to attack Constantinople, it was an opportune moment to make peace.

    Constantinople - 1204

    Kaikubad Yalcin, Turkish diplomat- So... this is what's going to happen. You're going to give us Nicomedia, and you're going to pay tribute to us for the next forty years.
    Aleksios, ERE douchebag- No.
    Kaikubad Yalcin, Turkish diplomat- Are you kidding me? Do you realize you have a horde of deranged crusaders at your doorstep?
    Aleksios, ERE douchebag- What do you mean by deranged?
    Kaikubad Yalcin, Turkish diplomat- *sigh* Have you ever heard of... gamerism?
    Aleksios, ERE douchebag- Uh... no.
    Kaikubad Yalcin, Turkish diplomat- Gamerism is an ancient philosophical school dating back to the pre-Macedonian Greek city states. It is markedly similar to solipsism, except for one major distinction: solipsists believe everything to be an illusion, whilst gamerists believe that all the world; you, me, that roman douchebag over there in the corner, this city etc... is actually a game being played by someone in the far off future.
    Aleksios, ERE douchebag- ... right.
    Kaikubad Yalcin, Turkish diplomat- Don't believe me? Just check their faction leader's bio...



    Aleksios, ERE douchebag-That doesn't even make sense.
    Kaikubad Yalcin, Turkish diplomat- Exactly. Normally there would be some sort of title, like general or family member. But this man instead added some insane nonsensical phrase warning that 'the player', whoever that may be, should not see 'this', whatever that may be. You see Gamerists, due to their belief that this is all a simulation, have a tendency to be very paranoid and homicidal. Since this a game, they intend to win, and they believe all others are 'programmed' to do the same. And since none of this is real, the life of others has no meaning. No cost is too great in the quest to defeat 'the player'.
    Aleksios, ERE douchebag- Well... ah **** it. We can still come back and win this thing! I'm not making peace with you, Turkish scum! This is just a temporary bump on the road to the restoration of the Roman Empire!
    Kaikubad Yalcin, Turkish diplomat- *sigh*



    Narrator- Sadly, though he was the finest diplomat the Sultanate had at its disposition, Kaikubad just wasn't as very diplomatic as Khalil. Had Khalil still been alive, he'd surely have gotten the Romans to accept all the Turks demands, and a letter admitting to epic douche baggery. Before lunchtime.

    Constantinople - 1205



    Outside the Walls

    Enrico Dandolo- Men, listen to me! Constantinople's walls may be strong, but I know how to exploit the AI! We can never fail!
    Crusader 1- What the hell is he talking about?
    Crusader 2- I have no clue.

    Inside the Walls

    Aleksios, ERE douchebag- Friends?
    Kaikubad Yalcin, Turkish diplomat- I knew you'd come round eventually.



    Narrator- So ended, in the summer of 1205, the Great Turkish-Roman War of Questioned Masculinity. By now the Sultanate occupied almost all of Anatolia, except for the North and Nicomedia. (Author's Note: I stupidly forgot to demand it)



    Narrator- As for everyone's favorite inland pirates, they couldn't catch a break.



    Pirate Captain- Arr! Hold on boys, 'tis a Hurricane, 'tis the fiercest storm I've ever seen, it is, it is.
    Pirate First Mate- Arr! I don't think they be having hurricanes in lakes, me captain.
    Pirate Captain- *slap* Ya know what I meant.

    Narrator- Now in peacetime, the Sultanate began the process of thinning down its forces, as a full 40% of all funds were being spent on military maintenance.



    Aleppo - 1205

    Messenger- Letter from Antioch sir
    Kaikosru- Let's see...

    Dear KK,

    Am glad to report that dismissed troops shall receive no pensions. Article J, Paragraph 5, line 28 explicitly states that the war veterans pension fund is applicable only during wartime and only to actively serving members of the military above the age of sixty. As there is no more war, and mandatory retirement age for all the Sultanates soldiers is fifty-five, there are sadly no men eligible for the war veterans pension fund.

    Sincerly,

    VV 2.0

    PS: Progress on mysterious plot object has hastened. Though he has sadly 'lost' the ability to speak due to the 'accidental' removal of his lower jaw, elderly priest has indicated that the M.P.O. is a relic whose name is composed of five words. Will begin playing 'hangman' with him soon.

    Narrator- With no eligible pensioners and a reduced military budget, the Sultanate had funds to initiate another building boom and reequip its loyal troops. The first priority were the ghulams, who had more than proved their worth against the heavier ERE cavalry. The last priority was the Turkish Royal Navy, or as they were called back then, the Inaugural Members of the Turkish Branch of the Survivors Club.



    Narrator- As summer became winter, news reached the Turks that the great inventor Al-Jazari had died. Al-Jazari was renowned for his many inventions, including hand cranks, piston engines, robots, suction pipes, suction pumps and ... wait a second, robots? WTF?





    Narrator- Turning their attention to world affairs as a means to stave off renewed boredom, the Turks began to observe the Ayyubid-Makurian War. Considering the first rule of diplomacy was "Don't **** with the Ayyubids" some were skeptical that Makuria still existed at all, or perhaps they had joined the Ayyubid BFF Friends 4 Life Club, or maybe- wait a second, did the Makurians just take Luxor?



    Narrator- Indeed this was an era of hope for Makuria. To the point that their new national slogan became "So you're saying there's a chance!" Well, until the Ayyubids realized they had more money than God and more soldiers then there are fish in the sea.



    Narrator- Another more sadistic topic of interest for the Turks was the continual decline of the Abbassids, who had previously lost ground to the Omani and were presently occupied with loosing even more territory to the Great Seljuks. Baghdad remained an ungovernable, rebellious hell, which brought no end of joy to Turkish hearts.

    Narrator- One piece of news that was widely disregarded by the Turks concerned some tribe at the ass of the world who had stopped fighting themselves. Not only were they far removed from the region, but seriously, what's a tribe of nomadic horse archers going to do? The Turks had more pressing matters to attend to, like reviving their love of Duran Duran.



    Narrator- As for those lovable land locked pirates, in 1206 they still couldn't catch a break.



    Pirate Captain- Hold on lads! We shall sail through this cursed storm!
    Pirate First Mate- And go where, captain?
    Pirate Captain- ... To the other side o' the lake?

    Narrator- The storm turned out to not be the worst thing to happen that year for the lovable landlocked pirates, for somewhere in the Holy Land...



    Pirate Captain 2- Arr! We be the Pirates of the Inland Lake!
    Pirate Captain- Nay, ya plagiarizing mongrels! We be the Pirates of the Inland Lake! Go start yer own club, yer landlubber!
    Pirate Captain 2- Arr! No matey, we are the Pirates of the Inland Lake!
    Pirate Captain- Arr! Stop stealing our shtick, you no good scoundrel! We were here first!
    Pirate Captain 2- Arr! Oh yeah? Well we thought of it first!
    Pirate Captain- No ya didn't. Arr!
    Pirate Captain 2- Arr! Fine, maybe we didn't, but we're not going to change our name now! We've staked our reputations as marauders an ne'er do wells on this.
    Pirate Captain- An' hows it goin' for ya?
    Pirate Captain 2- Not well. You?
    Pirate Captain- Same... Arr!.
    Pirate Captain 2- The world's not big enough for two lake-faring pirates, it ain't, it ain't.
    Pirate Captain- Aye, that's what I been a sayin'.
    Pirate Captain 2- So I reckons you'll just have to change your name.
    Pirate Captain- Arr! Damn ye to hell! If that's the way ye be wantin' it, then from now on we'll be The Original Pirates of the Inland Lake! Arr!
    Pirate Captain 2- Then we'll be The Authentic Pirates of the Inland Lake! Arr!
    Pirate Captain- Arr! Ye haven't heard the end of me ya scallywag!
    Pirate Captain 2- Arr!

    Narrator- And so began the great feud between the TOPIL (The Original Pirates of the Inland Lake) and the TAPIL (The Authentic Pirates of the Inland Lake).


    ****
    Remember folks, next update only on Feb 8th or Feb 9th. Thanks for reading!
    Last edited by notenome; January 31, 2008 at 10:16 PM.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  20. #200

    Default Re: Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

    Brilliant! This is better than the deconquista AAR for EU2! Like crack, I tell you, crack!

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