Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

[notenome]

Prelude

*cue old timey movie reel and Fallout title theme*

Narrator: The Turkish Sultanate in 1174 spread from Konya in the southwest to Sivas in the Northeast, covering the heart of the Anatolian Peninsula. Ever since Alip Arslan's victory at the battle of Manzikret, the turks have been able to establish a foothold in Anatolia, despite the Eastern Roman's Empire's efforts to expel them.



Narrator: It is a time of conflict in the middle east, but also a time of greatness. Great men such as Saladin and the recently deceased Nur ad Din have made a mark upon the history of these lands, and are respected by friend and foe alike. But the Turks are not led by a Saladin, they are led by Sultan Kilij Arslan, or as he is better known, Sultan Kilij Arslan the fugly, thus the reason he never takes off his mask. Trust me this guy made Baldwin IV look like George Clooney.



Vizier: Nur Ad Din was a great man
Arslan: I know
Vizier: He united us against the crusaders
Arslan: I know
Vizier: It is a pity he should have died, a great man such as he.
Arslan: I know
Vizier: Thankfully Saladin is also a great man, I envy the Egyptians, it must be nice to be led by such a great man. I hear he's quite handsome too.
Arslan: Alright that's IT! I've had it with Nur ad Din this and Saladin that. Do you know how hard that is for me to hear? Don't you care about me?
Vizier: No
Arslan: I hate you

Narrator: Frustrated at being considered the rotten, fugly apple of the muslim tree Arslan decides to take his frustration out on the nearby rebels. His vizier goes to Konya to consult with the wise men of the kingdom.

Wise man 1: You sir are incorrect!
Wise man 2: I most certaintly am not!
Vizier: Uhm... hello? Excuse me?
Wise man 1: You theory that he who smelt it must have therefore delt it is absurd!
Wise man 2: I have spent 20 years researching this. It is my life's work. I have based my research on the writtings of Plato and Aristotle. I assure you, my good sir, he who smelt it, must-have-delt-it!
Vizier: *sigh* I can't believe we pay these guys.

Karaman, 1174

Arslan: We have them sorrounded! Dismount our horseman and have them man the seige equipment. Today we take Karaman for the glory of the Turkish Sultanate and Arslan the Great!
General: You mean Arslan the Fugly?
Arslan: Shut up!
General: Well we have a problem sir. We can't dismount our horsemen.
Arslan: Why not???
General: Well you see the shock of a cavalry charge is something trully terrible to behold. The mass of the rider and horse is transfered to a spear point, and on impact that shock can reach upwards of a ton of force. This can easily knock a rider off his saddle, a most undesirable effect.
Arslan: And what does that have to do with them not being able to dismount?
General: Well our wise men developed an ingenious method of ensuring that our riders cannot be forcibly dismounted, but as an unfortunate side effect we can no longer dismount them, either.
Arslan: And that is?
General: We glued them to their saddles. Our wise men are geniuses! Even now I hear they are involved in a debate to answer that age old question, if he who smelt must have-
Arslan: Just die.
General: You know Saladin would never have-
Arslan: One more word and I'm demoting you to Ghazi cannon fodder status!
General: All hail Arslan the great!
Arslan: That's better.



To be continued...

[Miraj]

Use. www.imageshack.us

Nice AAR.

[notenome]

I posted this 3 minutes ago and you already read it? You sir are relentless!

[boerekovic]

"the fugly"
nice,cant wait to see this, as i play the TS in the campaign,too.
edit:
even if its a funny aar, you should rename it to something better.Oh dear doesnt express the lulz i had raeding this. +repp

[karo]

this is an awsome AAR funny as **** lol can't wait to read more

[Miraj]

I posted this 3 minutes ago and you already read it? You sir are relentless!

Nah, didn't get to read it all actually.

[SNIGEL]

Very funny!

[notenome]

Part 1- Not quite Cicero

Karaman -1174



Narrator: On the eve of battle Arslan the Fugly decides to give a speech to rouse the spirits of the ghazis, or as he likes to call them, cannon-fodder.

Arslan: Ghazis! My brave soldiers, today is a great day for the Turkish Sultanate! Today we shall take Karaman, and expand our empire's borders! And it is you who have been chosen to lead the assault, to man our siege engines, and to be the first men to charge gloriously into the breach! Now you may find yourselves asking, "Why have we been chosen"?
Soon to be dead Ghazi 1- Because we're not glued to our saddles?
Soon to be dead Ghazi 2- Because we're cheap inexpensive infantry units that are otherwise worthless?
Arslan: Well yes, that's... actually why I chose you. But do not think only of yourselves at this crucial moment! Think of your families, of your children, and think that you are giving them a better life through your brave and noble sacrifice.
Soon to be dead Ghazi 1- Uhm sir, we're ghazis. We're wild fanatical warriors whose life has hit rock bottom and so we decided it was better to die quickly and go to the afterlife then continue living in the ******* hole that is your kingdom.
Arslan: *sigh* Regardless, take comfort that your sacrifice will not happen in vain! Remember that I, Arslan the Great-
Soon do be dead Ghazi 2- You mean Arslan the Fugly?
Arslan: Shut up you! I Arslan the Great will always be beside you, for I would not ask you to do anything I would not gladly do myself!
Soon to be dead Ghazi 1- Really you will?
Arslan- ... Well technically I won't be beside you, I'll be about a kilometer back with the cavalry. But if you measure the distance on a global scale, I'm practically besides you... Regardless, let us dwell not on the fact that light infantry such as yourselves have only a .001% chance of survival in siege situations, or that even if by some holy miracle you are able to survive you will be horribly crippled for the rest of your life. Think instead that all men die, that is fact, but you will die for something! You, my brave ghazis, may soon become human pincushions, but you shall be human pincushions for a cause!

Narrator- It is a little known fact that many years latter, after learning of this speech by his one time pupil, Arslan's life long tutor jumped off a building screaming "My whole life is failure!".



Soon to be dead Ghazi 1- You know I kinda have a good feeling about this
Soon to be dead Ghazi 2- Yeah something tells me that we're gonna make it.
Soon to be dead Ghazi 1- I'm not even saying good bye to you. One week from now we're gonna be sipping drinks with little umbrellas in them by the sea shore.
Soon to be dead Ghazi 2- I'll see you there.



Recently deceased Ghazi 1- Son of a *********!!!

[notenome]

Part 2- The Ghazis stirke back

Narrator- In the years 1174 and 1175, The Turkish Sultanate rapidly expanded its borders bringing the regions of Karaman and Amasia under its control with minimal losses to its military (and maximal losses to its Ghazis). Naturally, Arslan was feeling quite smug.

Arslan- *whistles* Damn it feels good to be a gangster...
Vizier- I'm sorry?
Arslan- I'm saying that its good to be me. The empire is expanding and the economy is growing. Boo yah!
Messenger- Sir I have an urgent message!
Arslan- What is it? Have dignitaries of far away empires come to bask in my glory?
Messenger- No.
Arslan- Have gorgeous women come to plead for me to take them as my wives?
Messenger- No.
Arslan- Have the Romans finally decided to admit that they're all a bunch of pretentious douche bags?
Messenger- No.
Arslan- Then what? Out with it man.
Messenger- Well the ghazis feel they have been getting, what's the word I'm looking for here, Shafted with a large stick up their *** while being ******** ********* without even the common courtsey of a reach a*****... They've written you a letter.
Arslan- *sigh* No appreciation. Alright lemme have a look at it.

Dear Arslan, ruler of the Turkish Sultanate, defender of the faith, conqueror of distant lands, lord of the rum turks.

Go **** Yourself!

XOXO

The Ghazis

PS: And yo mama fugly too!

Arslan- Sonofab****!



Rebel Ghazi- Now we die for a cause, motherf*****.

[Imperator of Rome]

LOOOOL,this AAR is better then the Samaul Jackson one.

[boerekovic]

Loled hard, cant give you rep anymoar

[merlinuscdxx]

instant + rep...this is frickin' hilarious man, keep it up...if you let this AAR die MY ghazis will rebel...

[notenome]

Alright marathon gaming session over, new posts on the way

[notenome]

Part 3: Of Rebels, Poetry and the Macarena.

Narrator: Enraged by the act of treachery committed by his Ghazis, Arslan dispatched his youngest son, Malik, to crush them. Malik, a battle hardened warrior with years of experience fighting the douche bags, aka Romans, split his army in two: his foot soldiers well behind his lines atop a hill and his Horse Archers further down, providing a concentrated base of fire. But knowing that death was too small a punishment for their treachery, the young noble rode out to notify the Ghazis of their imminent doom.




Malik-You who have betrayed your motherland. You who have betrayed your families. You who have betrayed your sultan. Enjoy this, your last moments. For your death shall be terrible and painful, but you shall remember it fondly when you arrive at the gates of hell and suffer from eternal damnation-
Rebel Ghazi- Wait are you telling us we're all going to die?
Malik-Uhm... yeah, that's what I'm trying to-
Rebel Ghazi- Dude, we're ghazis. We're fanatical religious warriors seeking death and salvation in battle who serve as cannon fodder for almost all the armies of the entire muslim world. Our function is to stand around and get shot while manning battering rams during assaults or to slow down the enemy advance with the sheer number of our fallen bodies when we defend. Telling us we're going to die is like telling a cesspool cleaner he's gonna take ******* all day. It's redundant.
Malik- Well I suppose you have a point
Rebel Ghazi- Thank you, I appreciate that.

Narrator- The ensuing battle was quick and violent, Malik emerging victorious while suffering almost no casualties.



Not so recently deceased ghazi 1- Oh hey John how's it going? Long time no see, feel free to grab a donut. Oh what's that? You also had an arrow through the eye? Small world huh?
Not so recently deceased ghazi 2- Damn it's getting crowded in here...

Narrator- Meanwhile Arslan's son Kaikosru was busy sieging the port town of Sinop held by rebellious Greeks, which therefore made them rebelious Romans, which therefore made them double douche bags.



Kaikosru- Brave men, do not be fooled by these swine. Just because they do not bow to the Roman emperor of Greece-
Confused soldier 1- Wouldn't that be the Greek Emperor of Rome?
Kaikosru- Sure, just because they do not bow to the Greek Emperor of Rome-
Confused soldier 2- Well actually the modern day Eastern Roman Empire has a direct and continuous lineage to the ancient Roman Empire, which was split in two by Theodosius I. As such and due to the fall of the Western Roman empire the Eastern Roman Emperor is effectively a Roman emperor residing in Greece. To call him the Greek Emperor of Rome would therefore be folly since he does not control the actual city of Rome-
Kaikosru- Wha? I mean? ... GAH! This man knows too much of our enemies affairs. DIE!
Not so recently deceased ghazi 1- Well hello there!
Confused soldier 2- *sigh* My father warned me getting a history major would only cause trouble...
Kaikosru- Right *ahem* where was I? These rebels are romans and they deserve to die twice, once for being rebels and once for being romans. To quote one of our greatest poets, Hassant bin Laid:

"I look around the world and many countries do I see
But no greater douche bags
Than in the ERE"

Turkish Army- ROOOOOOAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Narator- Inspired by the words of the brilliant Turkish poet, Hassant bin Laid, the Turkish troops were too much to bear for the defenders of Sinop. Here, for your intellectual delight, is another famous poem by the great bin Laid, entitled Ode to the Frontiersman

"Though you dress like a bum
You're a true turk of rum,
My armies are based on thee
Frontiersman

Your armor is light
Your no pretty sight,
In units of ninety
Frontiersman

Your cheap and available
Your morale unassailable,
The best early infantry
Frontiersman

You can skirmish Peltastoi
Or defend Spatatoi
Still you amaze me,
Frontiersman"



Narrator: And so the conquests continued. Horse archers took naps, glued upon their saddles, and ghazis died in many different and varied ways. They were slashed, pierced, crushed, trampled, and of course that old family favorite, burned to death.



Recently deceased Ghazi 159806- ARGHHHH IT BUUUURNS!!! .... Oh hey guys what's up? I'm here!
Not so recently deceased Ghazi 1- Hey man how's it hanging? Come on in and join the fun! *sings* Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena, Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena, Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena, Heeeeey la Macarena, AAAhAA! Dale a tu cuerpo.....

PS: Yes I did actually have to look up the macarena lyrics online. My life has hit a new low.

[notenome]

Part 4: Indignation

Hello, I hope you have enjoyed reading this AAR so far. It actually takes a good amount of work to put every post together, but it's a surprisingly enjoyable experience. It's nice to see the commentaries and to notice that people enjoy your sense of humor, and it's a good feeling when your looking through screenshots and you go into a zone and the jokes just start coming to mind fast and furious. That said, it takes a fairly outlandish imagination, and a lot of free time to make a funny story, not to mention a looooot of editing. Still, knowing that the hard work pays off and people laugh is very rewarding...




Then this ******* happens:




Seiously dude, what the *******? What were you thinking? Were you trying to give me a hand here? Did you think my jokes bombed? Were dead ghazis not funny enough? "Hey let's put a guy named Ganja, that's a sure winner, even he can't screw this up". Well you know what? I'M FUNNY MOTHER **********!!! I don't need your charity. That joke just writes itself, it requires NO talent. Puting ******* like this just cheapens my work. Did you think any monkey with a keyboard could write a comedic AAR? Did you? Well DID you??? Go on, be a man and say it.

...

Game over man, game over.

[karo]

Awsome AAR it's the best out there I want to read more of it

[Manco]

Hehe, your AAR just made my day.
Keep on it, dude

[notenome]

Part 5: The adventures of Khalil, the very diplomatic diplomat.

Narrator: In the tumultuos world of XIIth century Middle Eastern politics, diplomacy was essential for the survival of kingdoms and sultanates. Thus it is important to take a step back from focusing merely on the affairs of sultans and to look at the diplomats, and in particular, Khalil, or as he was known back then, Khalil the very diplomatic diplomat.



Arslan- Khalil, you are our most gifted diplomat, in fact, the only way thing that I have heard said about you is that you are "very diplomatic".
Khalil- Why thank you good sir, I am honored that such a great sultan as yourself would call upon my services, which I give willingly, for the greater good of the Turkish Sultanate, and that greater good is, I am confident, dependent upon the fulfilment of your will.
Arslan- .... right. So anyways you are to go on a great journey, you must establish trade relations and obtain maps from all the great sultanates of these lands, that we may grow wealthy and knowledgeable.
Khalil- That I shall do to the best of my abilities, which I am confident will suite the needs of our great sultanate but as I am also humble I shall also pray to Allah that he may allow me to succeed, not to imply that Allah is necessarily a man, since the divine knows no gender but not to take away from those who may consider Allah to be a man, since I fully respect that point of-
Arslan- Just go!

Narator- 1 year latter, after establishing trade relations with the Ayyubids and the Kingdom of Jerusalem and after having his path blocked by a city that caused him to loose a season's worth of travel since apparently he was too polite to change his course as that would imply that his cartographer was incorrect, something which he was uncomfortable doing since he did not consider himself to be an expert on the subject, not to take away from his tutors, who were learned men of great wis-

...

Bla bla bla he find himself in the Christian kingdom of Makuria.

*Reggae music plays in the background. "Jammin', we jammin', and I hope you like jammin' too..."

Khalil- Excuse me sir, I was wondering if you could inform me as to the location of your king, if that would not be too much inconvenience, not to imply that you are not a vivacious and energetic young man, far from it, but I also do not wish to impose.
Guard (confused)- He be over there, man
Khalil- Why thank you good sir, I greatly appreciate your aid in what might seem like a menial task but is greatly appreciated by the great sultanate of - HOLY ******* SAMUEL L JACKSON IS THE KING OF MAKURIA!!!



Samuel L Jackson- It's Negus Melku, Mother *********!
Khalil- ... Hello.
Negus Melku- Goddamn this is some wierd *******. I'm in two mother ********** AARs at once. Ain't that some mother ********** *******, mother *********.
Khalil- It most definetly is sir.
Negus Melku- So what can a baddass mother ********* like myself do for a mother ********* like yourself?
Khalil- Trade rights, map exchange and not shooting me in the face?
Negus Melku- Cool!
Khalil- *faints*

Narrator- After his mother ********** crazy meeting with the cool mother ********** king of mother ********** Makuria (to use Negus's own words). Khalil hightailed it out of the kindgdom and started to travel towards the Abbasid Caliphate. This path brought him next to the city of Jerusalem where a strange man that looked a lot like John Cleese approached him.



Strange man- You there, are you with the resistance?
Khalil- What resistance?
Strange man- The resistance by the Judean people and for the Judean people against the occupation of our home. The front against the tyranny of the crusaders.
Khalil- Are you asking me if I'm with the Judean People's Front?
Strange man- Are you with the Judean People's Front?
Khalil- No I'm a Turk, a diplomat of the Turkish Sultanate
Strange man- *phew* Good, for a second I thought you were associated with the scum of the JPF. Damn splitters. :wub:s. Bastards! I am a representative of the People's Front of Judea. Have you heard of us?
Khalil- No, but I sympathize with any man, or woman, who struggles against oppression, even if in a symbolic way.
PFJ leader- I like the way you talk. Anyways, we need you, an outsider, to help us kidnap Queen Sybilla.
Khalil- What? Why would you have me do that?
PFJ leader- We want to kidnap her, as a symbolic act but also to meet our demands. For every hour that our demands are not met, those being a full evacuation of all crusader forces from our lands, reparations for their crimes, and a formal written apology by all crusaders living and dead for their misdeeds and atrocities, we shall cut off a piece of her. It is symbolic of our struggle but most of all of the fact that we shall never, ever, EVER give into blackmail.
Khalil- Do I have a choice?
PFJ leader- This is plot, if you had a choice the story wouldn't keep moving, now would it?
Khalil- *sigh*

Narrator- Hours latter, inside the royal castle.

PFJ member (whisper)- Shush I hear movement.
PFJ leader (whisper)- Who are they?
PFJ member (whisper)- They look like us. Except they have orange braids.
PFJ leader, playing with his yellow braid- Ha! How silly.
PFJ member- Who are you?
CFFG member- Campaign For Free Galilee. You?
PFJ member- People's Front of Judea, what are you doing here?
CFFG member- We're going to kidnap Sybilla, bring her back, issue demands.
PFJ member- So are we.
CFFG member- What?
PFJ member- That's our plan
CFFG member- We were here first!
PFJ member- What do you mean?
CFFG member- We thought of it first.
PFJ member- When?
CFFG member- A couple years ago
PFJ member- Do you have all your demands worked out?
CFFG member- Yes.
PFJ member- What are they then?
CFFG member- Uh... well I'm not telling you!
PFJ member- Pull the other one.
CFFG member- We thought of it before you.
PFJ member- Did not!
CFFG member- We did.
PFJ member- Did not!
CFFG member- We bloody did!

Narrator- A terrible fight ensued, and all the members of PFJ and CFFG (not the JPF, they weren't there, :wub:s) that were present died, leaving Khalil alone.

Khalil- These white people are crazy.
Negus Melku- Damn straight, mother *********.

Narrator- After getting the hell outta dodge, Khalil finally made it to the Abassid city of Samarra, where with one simple phrase, he revolutionized the art of diplomacy. Forever.



Khalil- I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours.
Az-Zahir- Deal!

[karo]

I ****ing love this, espechally the part out of the life of brian that's the best part lol keep it coming

[notenome]

That's it for now, getting some sleep then posting one or two more parts. Thanks for the compliment!