[RTW AAR] Rome Total War: Bruce Lee vs Kasparov

[Prince_of_Macedon]

* YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY LOGGED ON TO GAMESPY *

Host: Welcome to GameSpy. Please introduce yourself.



Bruce_Lee: I am Bruce Lee. I am an actor, philosopher and the founder of Jeet Kune Do. Today I am going to demonstrate my system without a system.

Host: A system without a system? And how do you propose to do that on Rome: Total War?

Bruce_Lee: Well, you see, Jeet Kune Do can be applied to all facets of life whether it be in fighting, business, even video gaming.

Kasparov: LMAO

Bruce_Lee: …

Kasparov: Rome: Total War is a strategy game, and involves tremendous mental capacity much in the same vein as chess. What does Kung Fu have to do with a strategy game?

Bruce_Lee: Before I answer your question, might I have the pleasure of your name?



Kasparov: Gary Kasparov. The greatest Chess player ever to grace this miniscule planet! LMAO

Bruce_Lee: Well, Gary, there is a lot to learn from chess players, but there is even more to learn from Jeet Kune Do. Chess is just a board game, but Jeet Kune Do is a way of life.

Kasparov: That is some nonsense! Enough talk! Let’s play!

Bruce_Lee: So be it!

Host: Ok, gentlemen. You both get 10k denarii. No Rules.

Kasparov: Just a moment, before we play, can I see some replays of Bruce_Lee’s previous games?

Host: Uh, he’s never played this game before. Request denied.

Kasparov: What?!?! This is an outrage! How can I prepare for this matchup unless my team of analysts are permitted to study my opponent’s gameplay??? THIS IS NOT FAIR! THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS!

Host: OMG! Just pick your factions already!

Bruce_Lee: It doesn’t matter who I pick. The key is to be alert and aware. I will observe my opponent and adapt to him. Training of a few individuals will also be key.

* BRUCE_LEE HAS PICKED HIS ARMY *



Kasparov: In that case, I will pick Armenia since I am half-Armenian. I will take a full stack of units for this battle.

Kasparov: A thinking man’s game requires mental ability, not physical strength. For every move you make on the battlefield, I will be 5 moves ahead of you!

* KASPAROV HAS PICKED HIS ARMY *



To be continued in next post…

[Prince_of_Macedon]

(continued from last post)

Host: We now return you to…



Host: GL HF everyone!

Bruce_Lee: …

Kasparov: …

* BRUCE_LEE HAS ENDED HIS DEPLOYMENT *
* KASPAROV HAS ENDED HIS DEPLOYMENT *



Kasparov: WTF?! What kind of formation is that???

Bruce_Lee: It’s not a formation at all. In my experiences, I’ve learned that all Classical formations are artificial and mechanical. Classical formations paralyze and constrain what should be fluid. Your formation is a perfect example of a paralyzed form of warfare.



Kasparov: That is a load of nonsense! You will rethink your philosophy after I'm through with you!

Bruce_Lee: When you have a reached a maturity in combat, you will also attain a formless form.

Kasparov: In other words, you have no idea what you’re doing? And don't call me immature!

Bruce_Lee: When one has no form, he can be ALL forms. When one has no style, he can be ANY style.

Kasparov: Oh please, I won't even need any style to beat you. You don’t even have any archers. You will lose miserably, patzer.

Bruce_Lee: Any old fool can use archers. The acme of skill is to overcome your opponent using all parts of your body as a weapon.

Kasparov: No, the acme of skill is to obtain an Elo rating of 2851. LMAO

Bruce_Lee: Numbers mean nothing to me. It is time to attack.

Kasparov: In that case, I will counter-attack. I will apply my knowledge of the Najdorf Variation of the Sicilian to my battle-plan. When my units move into position, you will find yourself fighting with your back to the wall.

Bruce_Lee: You are still thinking in terms of Chess. That is your weakness.

Bruce_Lee: Watch my advance. It will flow like water!



Kasparov: Go ahead and attack. I‘m very strong in opening play.

Bruce_Lee: Ok. Let me demonstrate the weakness of your rigid formation…

Bruce_Lee: …Dragon whips tail!



Bruce_Lee: Do you see how my cavalry is whipping your behind?

Kasparov: ha! I obviously baited your cavalry into attacking my isolated Cataphract. By sacrificing that 1 unit, I’ve won the initiative in this game.



Kasparov: I will now attack your attack! And…



Kasparov: WTF?!

Kasparov: Why are my men routing?

Bruce_Lee: Unlike Chess, Rome: Total War is more about timing and execution. This is why you must think outside of the chessboard! Embrace Jeet Kune Do - it embraces all!

Bruce_Lee: Look at your Cataphracts. Their support came too late.



Bruce_Lee: Look at your Heavy Spearmen. Their support came too late.



Kasparov: My army is still significantly larger than yours. I will simply feed more men into the battle. I will beat you with an attritional strategy.

Kasparov: Just to be sure, I will utilize my awesome force of archers to bleed your manpower.



Kasparov: And you won’t be able to touch my archers because my Heavy Spearmen will keep your cavalry at bay.



Kasparov: It is my incredible foresight which will enable me to win this battle! I will always be several steps ahead of you!

Bruce_Lee: Fighting (even gaming) isn’t about rigid pre-arranged plans. It’s about spontaneity! Be like water!

Bruce_Lee: Now observe. As you attack with your heavy spearmen, my cavalry will retreat. When you attack, I will retreat. When you retreat, I will attack!



Bruce_Lee: While you’ve been watching my cavalry run away, I made the spontaneous decision to engage your wall of spearmen in the middle with my Silver Shield Legionaries.



Bruce_Lee: Since I defeated most of your cataphracts, your heavy spearmen won’t last too long without their support. That, my friend, is Jeet Kune do!

Kasparov: !!!

Kasparov: This is an outrage!

Bruce_Lee: Look at that. My Legionaries have spotted a crack in your phalanx.



Bruce_Lee: Notice how they spot this crack immediately and flow through like water?



Bruce_Lee: Yes, like WATER! Your archers are no longer safe.



Kasparov: This is a ridiculous! Before the match even started, I made a simple request to see your replays, but I was denied! This is not a fair match!

Bruce_Lee: Forget about winning and losing. Forget about pride too! Just play the game. Look, your spearmen aren’t even phalanx-mode.



Bruce_Lee: And now the Cheetah Attacks the Gazelle Grazing!



Kasparov: If I would’ve had access to your games beforehand, I could’ve prepared properly!

Kasparov: Now, I have no army!

Kasparov: Wait, I still have a Cataphract. Perhaps I can rout one of your units…



Bruce_Lee: Behold the essence of Jeet Kune Do. Even when you try to attack me, you will have to move to engage. When you move, I will intercept you! Thus, I always attack you!





Kasparov: In a contest between a Knight and a Pawn, the Knight will always win!



Kasparov: WTF?!?!

Kasparov: ****!!!!

Bruce_Lee: Do you see what’s happening? I’m attacking like water! Yes, like WATER!!



Bruce_Lee: Be proud of your men though. Only a physically fit man could run away for as long as your men have. Physical fitness is most important in Jeet Kune Do! Almost as important as water!



Kasparov: You’ll excuse me if I don’t shake your hand!



Bruce_Lee: Come to my school of Jeet Kune Do. I will teach you in one on one lessons.

Kasparov: You’re lucky I didn’t study your games! I would’ve torn you up! You hear that? I would’ve TORN YOU UP!!!

Bruce_Lee: Would you like a rematch?

Kasparov: No! I am announcing my retirement from Rome: Total War. There was no fairplay on display today! Maybe in the future, the organizers of this match will learn a valuable lesson from this outrage!

Bruce_Lee: Goodbye, and don’t forget to be like water!

Host: Wow, last time I invite that guy to play this game. See you later, Bruce!

Bruce_Lee: Hey, I just realized something.

Host: What's that?

Bruce_Lee: I can beat anyone in the world.

Host: hmm =(

[Paul d]

wow that enemy guy sucked. (sorry whoever that may be)

[zznɟ ǝɥʇ]

Not only is this funny, it's pretty sweet tactics as well.

Keep it up.

[movemove]

WATER!!@

was this match set up? or did bruce lee happen to chance upon kasparov

[bomberboy]

Who ever played Brue lee is one great player. But this Battle report was funny.

[Marie Louise von Preussen]

Hmmm... Good job, Bruce . That was a good report!

[Alue26]

Hey Prince, That was great!!!!! That Kasparovguy Has don't get even a chance in this battle!!! He is only good in chess. Have you more of this threads?

[Ephialtes The Dog]

Woo Hoo Bruce Won!

[Prince_of_Macedon]

Thanks guys!

Hey Prince, That was great!!!!! That Kasparovguy Has don't get even a chance in this battle!!! He is only good in chess. Have you more of this threads?

Right now, I only have this thread and the other one (regarding Yu-Gi-Oh vs Worf). I'll make more once I get the time-machine running again. hehe

[Alue26]

I don't get the point of this thread. First, Bruce_Lee haven't no archers and some cavalry and Kasparov has catapracts and archers, how coud he lose? Bruce_Lee was also outnumberd, how coud he win?

Comment If Readed!

[Erwin Rommel]

how about good ole darth vader vs (insert name here...cant think of any)

[Aristarchus]

Really nice game recap. I have only been playing RTW a couple of months and have no idea how to play live online - not sure yet if I could even do it - but this story gives me a new aspiration to work up to it. As a side note, I think the comments were a bit hard on Kasparov. His startling fluidity in tactics, better even than Fischer, shows more than just previous study and book knowledge. Great lesson in your story though. Thanks.