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Thread: I'm moving on with my life...

  1. #1
    Francisco Montana's Avatar Gruffles
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    Default I'm moving on with my life...

    I think it's time to turn a new page in this book. While it will be hard to actually 'move on with my life' while Paige is still here in Montana and living under the same roof as me, I do think mentally I have begun the healing and have started coming to terms with the inevitable realities.

    I'm sharing this with everyone for selfish reasons as it has been very helpful to come here and express my emotions, feelings and thoughts with people that have flooded to my aid in this --my biggest time of need.

    I do want to start moderating again, but I'm still not mentally or emotionally capable to do so at the moment. This has been so all consuming and I sincerly thank staff for being so understanding and supportive of my situation and present priorities in life.


    With that, Paige and I are going to work together to do whatever we can to lessen the emotional burdon all of this is going to put on the boys. I want to use this thread to keep everyone up to date on how things are going, but again, mostly for the selfish purpose of having a place to express my feelings and to relect on the situation as it unfolds.

    I'm hoping this will be a lot more positive than my old thread which is why I've closed it.

    Life may not be the party we expected but since we are here anyway, we may as well dance!
    Faithfully under the patronage of the fallen yet rather amiable Octavian.

    Smile! The better the energy you put in, the better the energy you will get out.

  2. #2
    Francisco Montana's Avatar Gruffles
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    Default Re: I'm moving on with my life...

    They say the end of relationship this long is like a death in the family. If that's the case, this waiting period between the time the divorce was definite to the time they leave for Virginia is like sitting around waiting for a family member to die. This is so hard to deal with.

    Even though I know deep down inside Paige couldn't make me happy it's still very sad. Every single TV show, every single song on the radio, every single painting, every single bottle of wine, every single movie, every thing reminds me of our fifteen years together. Sometimes I think it'll take fifteen years to heal and replace those memories with new one.

    I wrote this yesterday and it pretty much sums up what I'm feeling at the moment:

    I'm freaked out about losing my boys for the next several months, to be honest. But I'm hanging in there.

    Life is a ***** sometimes I guess. Maybe I'll be better after the dust settles and they leave. At least I'll be able to start picking up the pieces. Right now I feel like my life is in limbo and the limbo is the torturous inevibility of losing everything I thought that mattered in my life just two months ago.
    She goes to see her lawyer today to tell him what we want. Then we have to fill out some financial forms (for child support calculations.) As it stands now we are going with a short two year plan for custody. These things need to be fluid as they tend to evolve as the kids get older. She's going to have the boys for the next nine months and then I will get them half of next summer and the following nine month school year. Again, then we will sit down and figure out a plan for the next couple/few years after that.

    Everyone (including the therapist) thinks they are young enough (right now) to do one year there then one year here back to back. But as they get older they will need more stability as they get more and more attached to their friends, community and schools (including after school programs such as sports, etc.)


    Anway, I'm hanging in there. I do hope I'm not coming off as 'ooh, poor me' by posting this stuff. It's just very helpful for me to have a place to air this out and even run things buy people that I totally appreciate and respect.


    So thanks,

    Mark

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    On a side note I went out last night and got home at 4am! I had a couple of cute girls teaching me how to two-step dance! It's a good thing I have no shame because I was definitely looking the fool trying to keep up! It was fun though. And no, I didn't hook up with any of them. I have a little more class than that. It was, however, nice to know that yours truly still got it!!!
    Faithfully under the patronage of the fallen yet rather amiable Octavian.

    Smile! The better the energy you put in, the better the energy you will get out.

  3. #3
    Francisco Montana's Avatar Gruffles
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    Default Re: I'm moving on with my life...

    Well, I've got the divorce summons sitting on my desk. Even though, at this point, I am actually relieved deep inside my heart to be freed I am just WAAAY too sentimental.

    I cried.
    Faithfully under the patronage of the fallen yet rather amiable Octavian.

    Smile! The better the energy you put in, the better the energy you will get out.

  4. #4
    Francisco Montana's Avatar Gruffles
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    Default Re: I'm moving on with my life...

    I love Montana!!! Virginia is where I have bad memories (from before I met Paige there) and the only good ones I did have are of meeting paige and us starting to date. So, now those are tarnished.

    I just freakin' hate the eastern seaboard. I'm sorry to those who love it. I just can't stand the congestion, the higher cost of living, the buzzing around. Once you've been bitten by the bug of the wide open spaces, good down home people and the air you can actually breath out here in the west (namely Montana) it's just so hard to fathom anything else.

    Anyway, Paige and I had a rough day yesterday but we are back at the peace table. Niether of us wants a fight. We want to remain friends and while that will be hard at times (burnt bridges and stepped on feelings) I think we can do it. She's really starting to come to terms with her own shortcomings and that will go a long way to us reconciling our past at least.


    Kudos to you all and more to come I'm sure....
    Faithfully under the patronage of the fallen yet rather amiable Octavian.

    Smile! The better the energy you put in, the better the energy you will get out.

  5. #5
    Francisco Montana's Avatar Gruffles
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    Default Re: I'm moving on with my life...

    A lot has happened in the past few days. Ups and downs, downs, and sideways and then back up and then sideways again.

    Anyway, thanks again everyone. Right now, I'm just sorta feeling really numb as the day draws near. I'm not sad, I'm just very hurt at some things that have come to light and I feel empty at the prospects of suddenly being alone. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be with Paige any more myself. But, I guess some of us are a little more sentimental and, Lord knows, emotional.

    Cya soon.
    Faithfully under the patronage of the fallen yet rather amiable Octavian.

    Smile! The better the energy you put in, the better the energy you will get out.

  6. #6
    Francisco Montana's Avatar Gruffles
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    Default Re: I'm moving on with my life...

    Well, I'm finally all moved out of the old place and into my new place. I still have a ton of unpacking to do and organizing, etc. But meh. Finding the time right now is hard as I'm working my special ed job and working 5 nights a week at the restaurant.

    I need to tell them to scale my hours back a little. But, I will admit I'm enjoying the money!

    Yesterday was my first full day here in the new place. It felt really weird being all alone. The good news is if I even remotely start missing the ex I've discovered that all I have to do is talk to her on the phone. lol

    My boys are doing well. Perry has, however, shown some signs of having real issues with the situation. I talk to him 2 or 3 times a day and have every day since they left last monday.


    Anyway, I'm keeping my chin up and having some fun.


    Mark
    Last edited by Augustus Lucifer; March 13, 2010 at 06:15 PM.
    Faithfully under the patronage of the fallen yet rather amiable Octavian.

    Smile! The better the energy you put in, the better the energy you will get out.

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