Drtad's Mini Byz AAR: Down But Not Out

[Drtad]

Drtad’s Byz AAR: Down But Not Out

I got bored of waiting for 2.1, so I decided to just start one now. This AAR will last until 2.1 in released, unless people want me to continue badly.

Introduction: From the Diary of Basileus Andronicus

Dear Diary,

Under my leader ship, the Byzantine Empire has gotten back on its feet. We now control all of Greece.

However, new threats are looming on our flanks. The Kingdom of Naples whom we defeated at Dyrrachion are the least of our problems. The Kingdom of Sicily is quickly arising in Italy after we annihilated their Duchies of Athens and Achaea. Even though I never lead an army myself I know it is due to my incredible abilities as a leader that we defeated our two foes. But I digress. Our third foe lies to the East, the Ottoman Empire. Our Armenian allies are defeating them now, but a jihad on Armenian controlled Konya has been declared and it seems as if I must lead the Imperial Army to victory against the Ottomans before our allies are crushed. Now, our last foe is the Tsardom of Serbia. Serbia has wiped out the Bulgarians and is destroying the Venetian garrisons along the coast. I fear the if we allow them to grow too strong that we will be their next target. This is why I diverted our second best general (I am the best) Myristokos Abalantes to defeat the Serbians and annex their territories to our rejuvenated Empire. I have just received word of Myristokos’s victories near Skopia, and that the Lord our God has delivered the town unto him.


He now advances against Bulgaria where the Serbian tsar and his entire army reside. For some reason, I feel as if our battles have only just begun…

[DaVinci]

Nice

[zznɟ ǝɥʇ]

Nice, I'm keen on seeing this continued.

[Drtad]

Chapter 1 of the Reign of Andronicus Palaiologus: Fall of Serbia (Warning, many images!)

Bulgaria...

Myristokos Abalantes: For the Basileus, for the Empire, for God!!!!

Soldiers: Haaaaaa!!!

Myristokos: Oh man, the Serbians are dug in a very good position.



Captain Alvanites: Myristokos sir! What are we going to do!

Myristokos: Well, the enemy army is mostly foot and mounted archers with a few units of Serbian Knights and general’s bodyguards. Our army lacks any effective archers and is on the low unforested ground while the enemy is on higher forested ground. Basically we are doomed.

Alvanites: You can tell all that from here?

Myristokos: Of course.

Alvanites: Okay then…

Men: Sir, orders?

Myristokos: Catalans, rush up the hill and start lobbing javelins at the dismounted nobles. Balkan archers, begin firing on the enemy’s horse archers. Varangians, Frankish Infantry, and bombards, stand by for orders.



Myristokos: Our men are taking a beating, bodyguards, Chaaaaaarge!

Tsar: You don’t know who you are dealing with you Greek knave!



Myristokos: Yassou, Tsar, it is good to finally meet you face to face.

Tsar: A pleasure… Men, kill him!



Myristokos: Move in Alan Mercenaries!



Myristokos: Wow, this is one intense battle. Oh no, I’m surrounded! Nooooooooo!

Alvanites: Myristokos!!!!



Alvanites: C’mon troops, fight! Fight for the soul of Myristokos! May God have mercy on our enemies for this unholy occurance!




Alvanites: We must win men! Fight uphill! Oh no, we’re being flanked!



Alvanites: It’s the Tsar!

Tsar: Mwahahaha! Ugh…



Alvanites: The stench of death already hangs in the air…



Alvanites: Come on men, just a little bit more and the enemy will lose hope!




Alvanites: That did it! Now Balkan Archers, hit them hard!

Serbian Soldier: Damn them all to Hell! I knew there was rain in the forecast, but this is ridiculous!



Alvanites: Well done men. The Serbians put up a brave defense, but even bravery and an unusual abundance of arrows are no match for the skill of Byzantine mercenaries.



Alvanites: Hey, I got promoted to general by the honourable Basileus himself!



Alvanites: It’s time to end this Serbia… I will exact my revenge on you for what you did to Myristokos!



New Tsar: Okay men! The Byzantines have destroyed our entire army and now we are down to a little over 100 men… But we shall tri… Oh forget it, just take as many Byzantines with you before you die!!!



Alvanites: Okay men, just fire the bombards so we can get this over with.




Alvanites: Okay men, make sure you watch out for the nonexistent Serbians in the towers firing at you!

Troops: Yessir!



Serbians: We will never surrender!

Alvanites: At this point it is irrelevant.




Alvanites: We have triumphed!



Constantinople…

Attendant: Milord,…

Basileus Andronicus: Yassou, my servant.

Attendant: Yeah whatever… Anyway, we have received a message from General Alvanites on the front lines.



Andronicus: Good. It’s too bad we had to destroy a fellow Orthodox nation rather than a nation of infidels… INFIDELS!

Attendant: Yes sir, infidels… Anyway we have also received some-

Andronicus: INFIDELS!??!

Attendant: No sir, not infidels, but-

Andronicus: INFI- sorry, I didn’t take my pills today, go on.

Attendant: The Ottomans have declared a jihad against the Armenian city of Konya, and since the Armenians are our allies, I figured you might want-

Andronicus: An excuse to kill… INFIDELS! Mwahahahaha!

[B. Ward]

pretty funny and entertaining, nice job man

+rep

[Drtad]

pretty funny and entertaining, nice job man

+rep

Thanks! I just played the next turnset, things are going to get rough and dirty:

1. Armenia has fallen, the Ottomans have forced me to give no mercy.

2. The Basileus is leading the elite army himself.

3. The Venetians, Neapolitans, Genoans, and Sicilians are on my hit list, prepare for me to try and find an excuse to practice my admittedly crude Italian!

[Drtad]

Chapter Two of the Reign of Andronicus Palaiologus: One Empire, Under God

Constantinople…

Andronicus: Attendant! Is my army ready?

Attendant: No, my Basileus, it shall take about one more turn. And some bad news by the way, it is a scroll and a Byzantine satellite photo taken of Cilicia just hours ago.

Andronicus: Oh, it is good to see that our satellites are up and running, good thing I managed to defeat those extraterrestrials up there, or else we would not have such good quality spying… Oh my God!




Andronicus: The Armenians have fallen too…

Attendant: Yes sir, I know, the Armenians have fallen.

Andronicus: too…

Attendant: Are you all right sir?

Andronicus: Too…

Attendant: Okay now you are just being annoying…

Andronicus: INFIDELS!!!

Attendant: Calm down Basileus, calm down!

Andronicus: Ready the horses, I must destroy… INFIDELS!!! Tonight it will be bloody in Nicaea…

Attendant: Oh damn it all, the pharmacy screwed me over. They gave us placebos…

Andronicus: Today, the Byzantine Empire stands as the lone Orthodox nation to fight the Ottomans. I shall not disappoint you, God.



Outside Nicaea…

Captain Papadopoulos: Basileus! We have captured some fleeing Ottoman loyalists who refused to ally with us!

Andronicus: Bring them before me, one by one.

Papadopoulos: The first one, a Turkish man who-

Andronicus: Have at thee heathen!

Papadopoulos: Okay, next one. This one is a Christian Cappadocian man-

Andronicus: Have at thee heathen!

Papadopoulos: And last we have a Muslim-

Andronicus: Have at thee hea-

Papadopoulos: Circassian girl…

Andronicus: Hmm… uhh… Take her to Constantinople… my private room… Immediately! Okay, with that aside, men, prepare to assault Nicaea and turn it into a pile of rubble!



Andronicus: Men, today we don’t just fight heathens… Today, we fight… INFIDELS! Fire at will, artillery!





Andronicus: Great work! Keep firing.

Papadopoulos: Why, sir?

Andronicus: I want Nicaea exterminated from the face of this holy Earth for siding with the wretched Turks! I want it damaged as much as this stupid game engine allows! Move in Skoutatoi! Varangians and Balkan Archers, stand by!



Inside Nicaea…

General Murad Osmanli: Men! I have devised a brilliant formation with which we can hold off even the most numerous of armies!...

Troops: Sir, aren’t we facing the wrong…

Murad: Don’t question my brilliance! Oh no, you are right!




Murad: Flee, men! Flee for your lives!



Murad: Yayas! Open fire!



Outside Nicaea…

Andronicus: What!? Our men are losing, because of Ottoman Yayas!? What the heck is that supposed to mean?

Papadopoulos: The Turks have quite a few Yayas in their army, sire, our troops can’t defeat the Ottomans. And they are rather experienced Yayas. Their Yayas have very powerful shots.

Andronicus: What is this world coming to? Okay, everyone in reserve, lets go kick some Turkish Yayas!

Troops: Ewww…

Inside Nicaea…



Balkan Archers: Hah! Take this you Yayas!



Andronicus: Hah! How do you like that Murad? What do you think of my Yayas!

Murad: Greeks have no Yayas.

Andronicus: And what is that supposed to mean?! INFIDEL!

Papadopoulos: Basileus, psst, pssst…

Andronicus: Ahh… so Yayas aren’t that, but… ohh… that’s embarrassing… I am going to take it out on… INFIDELS!

Murad: Take this, and that… Ahhh! Allah, forgive me!

Andronicus: God has delivered you to me Murad, repent, or face Hell!



Andronicus: We have won! We have won!




Papadopoulos: What do we do with the prisoners, my Basileus?

Andronicus: …

[SicilianVespers]

Great job I can't wait to see the 2.1 version.

[Konstantin Alexander]

Normally i prefer serious AARs, but you already got me with that satellite photo.

And i do not even want to imagine, what Yayas our dear Emperor showed to his infidel adversary in the thicck of battle.
Eeew!

[Ermeni]

as usual your work is great...tx drtad

[zznɟ ǝɥʇ]

INFIDEL!! Hehe love the humour.

[Drtad]

Thanks for all the complements! I'll definitely be continuing this until the advent of 2.1! (After which I'll have to start AIE II: TOTT)

EDIT: Bad news! Just played the next turnset... You're not gonna expect the tragedy that will engulf the empire. (not game killing, thankfully)

[IrAr]

Cannot wait, Drtad.

[Drtad]

Cannot wait, Drtad.

You don't have to.

Chapter Three of the Reign of Andronicus Palaiologus: The Last Days (and Nights)

Nicaea…

Andronicus: I want my Skoutatoi to return to Constantinople immediately for retraining!

Attendant: Won’t that leave you vulnerable to siege, my Basileus?

Andronicus: Hogwash! The… INFIDELS! won’t try anything funny with me here. And besides, nobody can contend with my Varangians.

Outside Nicaea…

Turkish General: Praise Allah! The stupid Basileus has left himself vulnerable to siege by sending his skoutatoi back to Istanbul for retraining! Mwahahaha!

Nicaea…

Andronicus: Oh my… it appears as though the… INFIDELS! are at the gates. Whatever, more to slaughter.

Byzantine Reporter: What do you have to say about this Basileus Palaiologus!

Andronicus: There is only one word I have to say…

Reporter: And that would be…?

Andronicus: INFIDELS!



Papadopoulos: Milord, the Turks seem to be ill prepared for an assault. They outnumber us and have superior numbers of infantry, but they lack the heavy cavalry lancers needed for an effective assault.

Andronicus: But they still outnumber us.

Papadopoulos: True…




Andronicus: Men, hold out until I return!

Papadopoulos: What? Where are you going? Dammit. Men, keep to your stations, I shall take temporary command!

Colonel Tzimisces: Sir, the enemy are at the walls with ladders!



Sergeant Papas: Sir, the enemy are at the gates!



Papadopoulos: I don’t think we can win. They have superior numbers and they are defeating our archers with their own stupid horse archers.



Papadopoulos: The enemy is breaking through… Oh my God…

Sergeant Papas: Sir!

Papadopoulos: …

Sergeant Papas: What should we do!

Papadopoulos: BRACE FOR IMPACT!



Papadopoulos: Oh no, we can’t hold out much longer…



Papadopoulos: Andronicus… wait a minute… there he is, Andronicus!

Andronicus: GET THE HELL OUTTA MY EMPIRE! INFIDELS!!!!!!



Turkish General: %#$*




Andronicus: Hah! Take that you INFIDEL!




Andronicus: Hey, they broke and ran!

Papadopoulos: Well, what do you expect from horse archers forced to fight in hand to hand combat by a general who is now dead?

Andronicus: Shut up Papadopoulos.




Nicaea…

Papadopoulos: Milord, you must realize the risks. We are now more vulnerable then ever!

Andronicus: How? We only lost a little under 300 men to that first Turkish joker, what makes you expect more?

Papadopoulos: They have two more stacks waiting to pounce and the have heavy Qapikulus and they have Sipahi lancers and we have a severely depleted Varangian Guard. Most were lost being overwhelmed right before your timely entrance into the last battle.

Andronicus: Well… When you put it that way…

Papadopoulos: Too late! We are being assaulted again. Good luck this time Andronicus.

Andronicus: Damn them. Damn those INFIDELS!

Stay tuned…

[Dreadking]

I love this AAR Drtad. Too bad it looks like your Nicea garrison is screwed though.

[Atterdag]

Oh no! Who will now lead the fight against the ... INFIDELS?

[DaVinci]

Very well made screenies.

[zznɟ ǝɥʇ]

Noooo not Andronicus!

[Drtad]

I was going to write up the next chapter last night but I had some problems with photobucket. Hopefully I can get those resolved and type up the next chapter tonight, I already played the turnset. (New Basileus, Michael the Chivalrous)